Here as Self. Reginald

My New Blogspot

2011-04-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have created a new blogspot. This one will remain intact as this is how my process began and progressed.

Thanks.

My new blogspot is: http:\\reginalddiepenhorst.blogspot.com

2010-09-16T01:20:00.001-07:00

Dus ik ging slapen en begon mijn lichaam te voelen equal and one.
Ik voelde een warmte rush as in een soort van streep op mijn achterhoofd. Ik realiseerde dat ik indertijd veel moeite gedaan heb om systemen te integreren en dat het waarschijnlijk ook niet moeiteloos gaat om ze te uitegreren. (integreren - in de gratie van)

Ik had een droom, waar ik mezelf leidde naar een soort van achteraffe industrieterein. Met een winkel.

Ik stond in de winkel en er waren twee meisjes. Eentje was een beetje afstandelijk en de andere was meer outgoing. In mijn gevoel. Maar ik merkte dat ik in de gratie viel van beide dames.

Toen we een stukje liepen om wat te regelen en de blonde erg dicht bij bleef staan, en haar gezicht er dicht bijd em ijne was, kuste we elkaar. Hierdoor stootte ik de ander voor het hoofd.

Dit vond ik uiteraard niet leuk, maar wat was ik te doen?

Nu het punt van het bezoek was het retourneren v an dvd's, die terugegebracht konden worden. Maar op het een of ander moment konden ze niet meer geretourneerd worden omdat ze niet in het systeem stonden. Ik zag dat ik een beroep wilde doen op de vergaarde gratie van de dames, wetende dat het in het gevoelsmatige terein beter voor mij had kunnen uitvallen, als ik niet gekust had met de blonde.

Ergens heeft deze droom raak vlakken met de woorden: Voordat de haan kraait, heb jij mij drie keer verloochend.

Bij het schrijven van deze droom, kwam een specifieke herinnering in mij op. Een herinnering uit Tunesie.

Er kwam een keer aan de tafel een blonde vrouw die vroeg of ik mee ging met hun naar het casino, want een van de dames waarmee zij was vond me wel leuk.
Dit was een blond en donkerharig meisje.

Ik wilde eigenlijk niet omdat ik ze niet kende, en alleen pas 1x gezien had.
De blonde viel me op omdat ze net als ik een beetje wat stoms zou doen , ze was in het zwembad gesprongen dat gewoon echt te koud was. Ik vond dat wel cool aan haar.

Maargoed ik was in geen mate fysiek aangetrokken tot hen, ze waren gabberinnetjes.

Het bleek dat het meisje met donker haar mijleuk vond. Maar omdat ik een voorkeur had voor blond, keek ik de kat uit de boom. Maar de blonde investeerde meer aandacht en tijd in mij om te zorgen dat ik het leuk had en me op mijn gemak voelde.

De donkerharige was erg afstandelijk en chagerijnig.

Ik herinner me terug te lopen met de blonde, en dat de donkerharige op een afstandje zich zat af te zonderen en vroeg waardoor het kwam. Zo was ze altijd, zei de blonde.
Ik wilde haar er graag bij betrekken, omdat ik me wel enigsinds lullig voelde. lullig omdat, zij mij leuk vond. En ik het meer naar me zin had met de blonde.

Hoewel ik me een aangetrokken begon te voelen tot de blonde, en zij mij uitnodigde om naar hun kamer te gaan, wimpelde ik hen af, door te zeggen dat ik nog graag even bij mij familie wilde zitten.

Hierna is daar nooit meer wat van gekomen. We zijn nog wel op de foto geweest met elkaar,maar die tekende hoe het was, een blonde, en een chagerijnige brunette.

Wat ik hier nu mee moet doen is mij nog niet duidelijk behalve dat ik equal and one moet staan en besluiten moet wat hiermee te doen.

2010-09-04T05:38:00.000-07:00

Resentmentality in relation to knowing stuff.
I have an resentment to people who know quite a deal. Meaning that they know more or some more specifics than I do, which they can use in relation to fuel their startingpoint , their justification of an certain opnion or mentality.

This is somewhat fucked up, as within this I want to be able to overrule their 'specifics' to bring across that what I want them to establish for themselves.

Then looking in wanting them to establish things for themselves is within the consideratio nthat when they do not establish that point of equality within them, we will be unequal on standing ground, and I have to take action, which I rather do not do, as this entails also leaving people behind me, from the perspective that they cannot walk with me in the extent that I wanted them to walk with me.

I observe this within and as a picture form which I just described within myself as an oiled machine, wherein both person work as oiled as possible, as efficient as possible. Bring out that which is required for both to walk as fast as possible.

I give myself room to slack within this, because I 'like' people. And unequality as standing ground makes me seperate or makes us seperate from eachother was what we are going to walk. And within that I see that I can decide within that moment to walk with them, and in some form wait for them to open up, realize it, until we both can walk the same procedures.

Meaning that even though I see that I walk this process alone, I complicate my process in such an extent that I allow myself just to wait till everyone is finished, standing in line, until they 'get' it.

This is the most literal picture-show I can give: Waiting in line, seeing you can just step out of the line, and walk towards the spot you want to be, but don't, because, you 'walk together' from your perspective.

We have a saying: Together going out, Together going home.
And this is what fuels me within this specific construct. This is honourable in lots of ways, but not self-honest in lots of ways.

So in not wanting leave somebody behind, though you push, you have to wait, that is what this is saying with me.

2010-09-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

Resentment.

I can write this as an introspective piece of self-exploration, but this will not be the case. I will be writing this as I would actually write it to another person.

You know. Within intropection everything makes sense, and you will not use the 'analogies' that you really live, you can only find the analogies by actually expressing yourself towards one or a person.

I found this when I chatted yesterday with someone and was explaining my situation, my inner experience to/towards an certain aspect. What was not cool from the perspective that I totally didnt see the point, but quite revealing that I have lived a 'secret' deep resonating pattern, which I experienced as just 'normal'.

You know Normal are things where you have alligned yourself completely with.

The thing I said in that moment reflected a part of me which I hadnt considered in a while. Resentment towards beings who I perceive have\had an easier live than I had.
Its not that I felt it in that way, or in those words. But it was an actual expression within words, as what I experience within myself.

It's not that I have to live things consciously to make that a reality of myself, the unconscious/subconsciouspart of me is also the actual reality of myself as how I live, and though I was not really 'consciously' living this statement, I was living it nonetheless.

Intriguing one might say, and it is, its intrigiung from a perspective that in seeing it, having created an awareness of it, I can actually stand up from within it, change it, as it is not what is best for all and what's best for self.

Now, there are again two ways of dealing with this, thats seeing the actual projections to towards another, but I found that the rresentmenet I experienced wasnt that connected to towards another, it was towards myself. Like I am actually have resentment to/towards myself, and enclosed that within my beingness and seeing that part of me, as a 'part' of me. As who I am for eternity. Which is quite fucked up when you think about it, because we all know that resentment wont take us anywhere.

So now there is this awareness, and I am writing about it, what can I do about it?

The first thing I as bilingual have to do is see If I understand what Resentment really entails. I have 'saved' this words as resentment, the definition, the meaning of this word resentment within an energetic experience. Meaning the definition is not here as words, but as an experience, where I feel the word, but dont have the clarity to put that experience within words.

Then just looking at this word: Resentment, and trying to understand it, I see the following within myself: Re-Sent-Ment

Re = is an cycling occurance, an repition of something, something that will happen again.
Sent = the past and finalized word of : Sending. So it has something to do with 'sending'/'Giving'/'Messaging'/'Bringing'. It's an act of transference of one location/person to another location/person.
Ment= when I compare it to some more words, which is also within the inclusion of this word, like Base-ment, Depart-ment It's like a 'Establish'-Ment. Like A Setpoint. A place/point from where you see/view things. If I would bring this in formation with psychological perspectives. It's that point from where your perception will be influenced by/depended on. Your wor(l)ds view. Your Mentality.

Which brings me to the understanding of myself as how I can put 'Resentment' in my own words/comprehension. "Resentmentality"

This is quite a cool observation, because when I experience 'Resentment' is when I keep 'Re-sending' stuff. Putting an effort to change things, or get things done, but it has to be re-sended because it got lost, was not understood, needs more effort from my perspective to get this thing accross.

Now I looked at the picture representation of this word Resentment, and it is like a Mentality of Circeling. Coming across the same point over and over, doing the same things over and over, while it get's you nowhere, but in an other place/spot within this circle.

Imagine that you want to cancel your cell-contract and you have sent the proper information to the proper adress. And it gets lost. All you want is this contract to stop, but you have to resend the material, untill someone does something about it or that it doesnt get lost. The resentmentality is where you are within the cycling of sending, resending. Getting each time even angrier, because you know it, couldve been different, but that difference isnt here manifested. The experience you have within this, is maybe one dimension of Resent-mentality. As it also involves, you in the position where you tell someone to re-resent, to re-cycle, to re-walk because you dont want to put effort in things, Or from pure necessity. Then also look at blame, jealousy, where you are re-circling. Re-circeling to get something -> creates or impulses Resent-ment.

2010-08-29T07:22:00.001-07:00

I was busy rearranging my computer. There were two specifc things I want to write about.

I was the whole week busy, or rather the last two weeks busy checking everyday when the new Samsung F4 Eco-drive would come out. I wanted a 2TB drive to replace my other 3 drives. This with an obvious reason: efficiency.
Though the drives were expensive, like 100€+, so I wanted wait for the drive I actually wanted.

But this nagging experience within me, having myself already set to buy a 2TB drive so that it would consume less power made me move myself to just buy a 2TB drive right now to stop the continous waiting on this F4 drive as it would be uncertain what the costs will be and the performance.

I went to computerland, which was not my preffered shop because it was not as cheap as an other place, and I had a choice between 2 disks. One which spins at 5400rpm and one that spins at 7200. I wanted also a quiet disk, but the difference between the both was just 10€ so I decided to take that one. I needed to sort this shit out (the multiple drives and extensive unalignment of information on my computer).

In the car I was not happy, I was feeling kinda shitty. Why? I was wondering about if I paid to much for the drive. It was not the one I actually wanted. How would it perform? Would I be happy with it?

I decided to compare the price with the price the other shop would give me and if it was 'more cheap' then I would return the disk. But I didnt ask if that was possible. I would be possible right?

Then I decided in that moment that I would not return the drive if the difference was less than 20€. 20€. thats 2 hours of work. Thats fucked up. I imagined also what to feel if the drive was more cheap where I bought it than at the other store. What would I do?

These people in this shop also needed to survive, so what if all returned their goods you know?

I pondered about that for a while, and felt being trapped within this consumeristic mind-set. If you ask why, it is only because I bought something expensive, which was necessary, but also not really really necessary, but it wouldve been necessary in the future. Thats why I also didnt bought a 1tb or a 1.5tb, because now I bought something that fitted that what I want, durability. Though a bit more power consuming than I initially had set for myself, but its ok, it would consume less than 3 drives, doesnt it?

Then something came to me when I thought about the money. Consumerism... Capatalism.
Capatalism= Time is(costs) money. Which made me see that consumerism is actually: Money Costs Time. That why I am being such a cheap-ass all the time, and feel bad when buying something expensive, because I dont see money, I see time. I saw now how I was trapped specifically within Consumerism, which was fascinating.

I saw that it was actually kinda cool to talk about on a video. Seeing we are focusing on shit that costs us, and so seeing the points where money actually buys something, thus where money buys time, you will see that something isnt right. It doesnt fit the system. Or maybe better said, it doesnt fit my system. It doesnt fit my system because of money, as money only costs, and never brings really something but than an upgrade of what I had already. So I was kinda like 'cool' I realized and see the actual point of self within the capatalistic/Consumerism-Design.

Now I was busy cleaning up the disk, and wrote 'process'. An immediate memory popped up where a girl said to me 'with you, everything is a process'. But isnt all just a process? I was left without words at that moment. Because does something actually exist without it being part of a process? Without it being in a chain?
No it doesnt. I didnt see that then. I see that now. I forgive myself to flagpoint this moment and keep it living within me, knowing that I know that everything is a process, and that process will be here untill process is nomore required.

Thanks.

2010-08-15T04:33:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write about something that just came up. Then when I wanted to start the writing, I was looking within myself 'where' to begin.

The initial point I wanted to write about was this:

I have been busy collecting all information points. I have been busy with that to know me, who I am. So the main focus has always been within the process, acquiring more information points, more information, and more information. When I came to desteni I was full of information and knowledge. And by walking the process, I eventually came to a stop of wanting to acquire more information. I had lots of information, but, I didnt know what to do with it. The only practical point I had was to share. And to share was also a very problematic-experience for me, because I knew how to explain things, but I always found inadequacies within people why they didnt want to understand. You know, I never came to an agreement with another person of why the information was relevant. At Desteni I had the chance to discuss things that were of relevance to me. And within participating and blunt self-honesty we pointed out to eachother when a point was actually really relevant or not. And within this I gave myself a chance to see actually who I am. Because My first point was. Acquiring information, then discuss information, and within discussing thing put it in practical or preferable relation to myself.

Now I am beyond only acquiring information, I put everything as immediately as I can in practical perspective for myself. And because I had so much information points, I Said to myself at a moment. Just stop aqcuiring information. When things are relevant I will seek them out. I always had a keen sense of what is relevant and what not. So i initially stopped the drive for more information, but was not satisfied with that, because that has been part of my life for a very long time.
But now I see that I have so much information allready that I put in relation to myself. I begin to have aspirations for new videos.

Now just when I wanted to write, I had a memory popping up, from me as myself as my youth, where people called me, the Business man of the family.

If I wanted to do something for somebody else, I had to be rewarded with things that made me able to express myself more in what I wanted from life. Like some candy. Or a specific order of fries.
If I stand as that moment I feel like a sort of upliftment. From an ego perspective. I only experience my upper torso. Standing with my chin in the air, not seeing clearly as the most close coming experience to my eyes is that of rolling them back.

They recognized me as an skill. Now I was ready to do what I can do best. Make money through agreements.

I dont know what to do with this information exactly, yet it is cool to see another point of iunfluence with I have disregared but, makes up the bigger picture of myself as the who I am in the whole as personality.

2010-05-07T06:47:00.000-07:00

kut spam hier op blogger.

ik wilde het schrijven weer eens oppikken, elke dag weer eens even mijn dag opschrijven dingen die ik wilde delen of dingen die me opvielen.

Ik heb vandaag weer uber lang gegamet. FF13. Ik heb denk ik al 90% van de missions gedaan en ben dan ook bijna klaar met het spel. ik heb niet gemagt, had ik graag ook nog even willen doen.

Iik heb veel geschreven en wat sf erbij gedaan, althans niet veel geschreven maar er werden weer wat dingetjes duidelijk. zoals een paar herinneringen die ik verdrongen heb en moet facen.

Ik ben erg stabiel in mijn process nu, ik ben stilte.

Het gaat allemaal zijn gangetje, het huis wordt opgeruimd, lettelijk en figuurlijk.

Zoals ik kan zien is het schrijven nu een beetje warrig maar dat komt omdta ik even moet wennen aan mijn nieuwe positie van toetsen-verhouding.

Ik zie dan ook dat ik in mijn nieuwe schrijven mijn nieuwe uitting, dingen tegenkom waarvan ik zie dat dat de problematische zaken zijn die ik ervaar wanneer ik op persoonlijk vlak communiceer.

Ik schrijf nu zoals k zou praten.

Zo zou het blijven.

Ik ga na mijn koffie even mjin tanden poetsen en dan nog even een startrek voyager met captain janeway kijken.

Mijn moeder belde me net op, en die wilde lijm mee nemen, voor mijn auto.
Cor zei dat ik moest opletten op de warmte graad, dus dat moest ze van me opzoeken, maar dat stond er niet op. Volgens mij staat dat op elke bus erop, maarja, zal wel.
Dit is de houding die ik vandaag geidentificeerd heb als mijn desinteresse -houding.

Het is niet dat ik niet geinteresseerd ben, maar ik stoor me ergens aan. Ik stoor me eraan dat ik altijd zelf moet denken en dingen moet uitzoeken, voordat het een keertje goed gaat. En als het dan goed gaat, is het vaak weer allemaal voor niets omdat er weer andere complicaties zijn. Iets om niet goed van te worden iig.

Ik heb geen zin meer om er over te schrijven eigenlijk al wil ik graag weten wat ik er nu allemaal aan kan doen. Hoe heb ik dit gecreerd en wat is de praktische toepassing van mezelf in het vervolg zodat ik dit patroon kan stoppen? Daar gaaan we de volgende keer eens achterkomen.

Reading skills

2010-04-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

http://destenieducation.com/

I wouldve benefit from such a program so much. I am now 26yrs old, and still have problems with reading due to my processingskills of information.

Now at the age of 26 I have to relearn everything to be an effective reader. How would I have benefitted of being able to read and process information more effectively when I still was a student? Damns.

Pre Programming

2010-02-16T08:54:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with the term Pre-Programming.

The problem is : what points are pre-programmed?

Why that matters is common sensically not relevant, as those points could be corrected. Yet it is a sort of curiousness that I experience as limiting.

Even is a point is pre programmed, the corrective action, the realignment would be the same even if it was not pre programmed.
The actual point is, is there maybe something 'more'. I want to do it correct the first time. I am capable of that. But to do it correct is, not possible if I look for more and there isnt any.

How can I find out if there is more, without the ignorance?

It's the absolute point of myself as Self-trust, I see.

SO self-trust as change. Why do I perceive I cannot change, and where do I perceive myself not willing to change. If I take on these points, I experience myself here, stable.

Cool.

Re alignment of the past.

2010-02-16T08:52:00.001-08:00

Re alignment of the past.

Reading the text was like I explained it to myself again, that which I wanted to forget.
It made me scared seeing the quantum-theory being applied in the same way I thought it would be applicable and practicle.
Now within myself I don't want to go there, as my xurrent experience then would change. Meaning I can actually stand up, I am not mad.
Changing self in this was, is too exciting from a perspective.
BEcause I know it would change my physical experience too of myself.
Which seems ' too much'.
Yet I know this is the practical application I had intended for myself to work with, and there is nothing really too it.
Does this have a base?

Process through the eyes of a trekkie

2009-12-21T12:56:00.000-08:00

Process through the eyes of an Trekkie.

Star Trek looks like the Utopia of most people. Holodeck suites, Space traveling, Replicators, and all stuff which couldve imagined brought together in one serie.

I will attempt to bring process to awareness through the eyes of a StarTrek-Fanatic.

Within the designed races within StarTrek, Each race has specific traits that exists within all of us as Humanity. Though each Race revolves around specific-attention-points so we can typically place them as being part of a certain race. To give you an idea: I have brought some laughs already to some Trekkies when I mentioned one of 'the rules of acquisition'.

Let's begin to describe the overall idea of StarFleet: "A continueing mission to explore strange and new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilazations. To Bodly go where noone has gone before"

Starfleet itself works through an hierachy as Ranks. The Starships and staff are perfectly organized as the best 'possible' working of a system of hierachy. Each person has it tasks within the ship with each their responsibility. Each one is seldom off duty and each one works within the interest of what's best for the organisation. Starfleet works with a 'prime directive' which will be later up for discussion. Starfleet personell consists not only of humans, it allows everyone who is up for the job to be able to participate within and as Starfleet. Translated to this reality: whether you are yellow, black or white, each one has an equal oppertunity to live as the job as they intended for themselves.

Starfleet is part of 'the federation'. Wiki: the Federation is described as an interstellar federal polity with, as of the year 2373, more than 150 member planets and thousands of colonies spread across 8,000 light years of the Milky Way Galaxy, and taking the form of a liberal democracy and constitutional republic. The Federation also maintains its own military and exploratory agency, known as Starfleet.

Within Startrek there are a few 'prominent' races, which I will describe shortly, I attached youtube movies to the species. Just click on the species for a Visual:
Quote:
Humans:
Humans are portrayed as Humans we already accepted us humans to be. Humans are portayed as the overall mix of races. Humans use emotions/feelings/logic and according to what they think is right they will act. Humans and as all species are, are subject to their superiors.
Code:
"You are authorized to use all measures available to destroy the Enterpise"

Vulcans:
Vulcans are portrayed as pure rational, not biased by emotions or feelings, only reason and logic. They are also portrayed as a species who lack 'humanity' by the denial of their personal emotions and feelings. That thing that seemingly makes Humans 'so great'.
Code:
"Random chance seems to have operated in our favor" -- Spock(Vulcan)
* "In plain, non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky" -- McCoy(Human)
* "I believe I said that, Doctor" -- Spock(Vulcan) (The Doomsday Machine)"

Romulans:
Romulans are portrayed often as Enemies.They are passionate, cunning, and opportunistic. They are the opposites of Vulcans, yet almost look exactly the same. I havent been able to find an typical quote of a Romulan nor a video.

Cardassians:
Cardassians are portrayed as a dominant extraterrestial race. They ruled other species. (Wiki: Cardassians tend to be predatory in nature, like wolf packs, always seeking out the dominant position in any social gathering. In normal courting behavior, Cardassian couples routinely act bitter and snap at each other. Cardassian society generally exhibits little or no gender bias; for example, both men and women can rise to high ranks in the military.) Its a species who look like 'reptiles' and where you will never know whether they got something up their sleeves. There slyness often makes one laugh:
Code:
Quark(Ferengi): Garak, I want you to kill me.
Garak(Cardassian): Excellent choice, if I may say so. I offer a wide range of terminatory options, all guaranteed to be of highest quality. If you aren't completely satisfied with the manner of your passing, I'll cheerfully refund your money.
Quark(Ferengi): But I'll be dead!
Garak(Cardassian): Details, details.

Bajorans:
Bajorans are really just like human, though they have been suppressed by the cardassians for a long time. Bojarans act like fanatic people, never forgetting their Trauma's.
Code:
"Why? He wasn't Darhe'el! Why?!" Kira (Bajoran)
"He's a Cardassian. That's reason enough." Kainon (Bajoran)

BetaZoids:
BetaZoids are portrayed as the psycic human. They are able to feel others their emotions. They talk on a Feeling level and have the ability to communicate telepathicly.
Code:
""Feelings aren't positive or negative, it's what you do with those feelings that becomes good or bad." Deanna Troi (Betazoid)

Klingons:
Klingons are portrayed as a Proud, Stubborn, and as War-Fanatics. Everything to them can be resolved with violance. They are to most depicted as 'savage beasts' as much as we perceive the first human beings to be. They are principled. And live by the rule: Die in Honor.
Code:
"Klingons do not "pursue relationships." They conquer that which they desire."

Ferengi:
Ferengi are characterized by a mercantile obsession with profit and trade and their constant efforts to swindle people into bad deals. They are also known for their business acumen and for exploiting females. The Ferengi have the Rules of Acquisition, which are quite interesting (see here).
Code:
Quark(Ferengi): I think I figured out why humans don't like Ferengi—
Sisko(Human): Not now, Quark.
Quark: The way I see it, humans used to be a lot like Ferengi: greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We're a constant reminder of a part of your past you'd like to forget.
Sisko: Quark, we don't have time for this.
Quark: You're overlooking something, Commander. Humans used to be a lot worse than Ferengi. Slavery, concentration camps, interstellar war... we have nothing in our past that approaches that kind of barbarism. You see? We're nothing like you... we're better.

These were the races where the traits reflected lots of our nature. Next to these races I mention to like 3 'races' who are quite interesting.
Quote:
Androids:
Data is an android made by dr. soong. He is a living robot, meaning it's just like a human. Data characteristics are that he want to be human. Learn as much as possible of races. He does it best each day to become more human. See his attempt of poetry about his cat: (See Here). He is programmed to be non-violent and self-learning. The first Android created by Dr. Soong was Lore. Data and Lore look exactly the same, but the programming of Lore had an advanced emotional-cirquit. Instead of treating everyone else as an Equal as Data, Lore began to feel superior over humans. Lore was deactivated.
Code:
Lore: Dr. Soong made me perfect in his first attempt. But he made me so completely human, the colonists became envious of me.
Lt. Commander Data: You lived with the colonists?
Lore: [nods] Until they petitioned Soong to make a more comfortable, less perfect android; in other words - you, brother.

Q:
The Q are portrayed as the 'Genie in the bottle'. Their understanding of themselves and the universe seem to exceed the 'human consciousness'. The Q are essentially 'Gods'. They can manifest things instantly, do not need to eat. Though Q represents itself as superior to other life-forms. It plays around and bring possible harm to other beings, as they can erase most consequences of their actions. Q is part of the 'contiuum' but got expelled for his behaviour. This is a quote where Q has been manifested as a human:
Code:
Q: [Captain Picard visits Q in the brig] Truthfully, Jean-Luc, I've been entirely preoccupied by a most frightening experience of my own. A couple of hours ago, I've realized that my body was no longer functioning properly. I felt weak, I could no longer stand, the life was oozing out of me, I lost consciousness...
Capt. Picard: You fell asleep.

The Borg:
wiki: The Borg manifest as cybernetically enhanced humanoid drones of multiple species, organized as an interconnected collective, the decisions of which are made by a hive mind, linked to subspace domain. The Borg inhabit a vast region of space in the Delta Quadrant of the galaxy, possessing millions of vessels and having conquered thousands of systems. They operate solely toward the fulfilling of one purpose: to "add the biological and technological distinctiveness of other species to their own" in pursuit of perfection. This is achieved through forced assimilation, a process which transforms individuals and technology into Borg, enhancing, and simultaneously controlling, individuals by implanting or appending synthetic components.
Code:
"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

So let's begin explaining the process that has been mentioned here on Desteni using examples and explanations using 'Star Trek'.

The races or species within Star Trek are build around traits that exists within all of humanity. Each race/species might magnify the possibility what a human as expression of themselves look like when those traits were to more dominant. Therefore it's a cool perspective/angle to explain our process.

The Humans within StarTrek are portrayed as what we currently exists as. We direct ourselves according to our 'mental capacity' which one would call our ability for logic and reasoning, mixed with experiences as memories, feelings (the good times) and emotions (the bad times). There are a 'lot' of differences between human beings and their perceptions on what 'life' is supposed to be and on 'how' to live according to that.

Within this reality we live with all these races/species together on one planet. Take notion that I am currently only talking about the races/species that I have mentioned within the first piece.

Our prime directive would be : Birthing oneself as Life within the physical through Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Corrective-Application Aligned with What is Best for All.

To see and understand what is Best for All, I'd like to expand more on perspectives so you are able to place this within your understanding.

On Desteni we speak of the Mind, and that the mind exists within and as polarity-constructs. Polarity means that some things cannot exist without the other. For example a magnet needs a Positive charge and a Negative charge. Even if you break a magnet in half till infinity there would exists a Positive and a Negative pole. That's just how it works. The Mind works just like a Magnet. It exists as polarity.

Since birth we have been adapted to eventually work with this mechanism. So every human has it, and every human works within and as polarity-constructs.

These constructs are parts of what we call a System. It's called a System, because it operates according to how it is designed. It follows structures, specific patterns. So the mind is actually a Polarity-based-System, thus it works with and as Positives and Negatives.

The main idea that humans have of themselves is that they exists as a bunch of positive-things, and a bunch of negative-things and that's it. However close observation shows that everything within and as the mind is specific. This means that the bunch of positive-things, and the bunch of negative-things are formed through a certain relationship. They are connected to something. They are based on something. So within observation and placing the information that I just have written in perspective, you see that the bunch of Positive-things is related to a bunch of Negative-things. And the Negative-things are related to Positive-things. This doesnt mean that if you were to write a list of all that you perceive as 'positive' and all that you perceive as 'negative' that you are done indentifying the constructs. As you will see that there is a lot of things that must be investigated/explorered by yourself to find just one point. So at first we must develop the insight and train ourselves to see what to look for within ourselves and how we can practically assist ourselves within that.

To show you that you are in fact working with such constructs, looking at these races/species of StarTrek is a cool thing.
If I were to ask you if you could describe for me what vulcans are like you are likely to give me a description about their appearances, skills, and where they live. And if I were to ask you what Spock or Tuvok is like you will give me a description about their personalities, experiences. The first question was a pretty 'global' question, though the second question brings much more clarity and specificity. This is how the mind works. We work with global concepts, but within those global concepts we define everything in the upmost specificity. And to be more indepth within this is that a global concept can influence how you perceive indepths details of that concept and that indepth details can change/influence your perception on the global concept.

So I ask you to be carefull when you interpret the information that will be/is given, as you are working through/with and as those constructs already for quite some time.

As already explained is that all races/species are actually reflections/projections of what exists within us as human. You are not seperate from anything of these races/species. When I say that you are not seperate from these races/species, you must understand that who and what we are is Life. And all life is one and equal to eachother.

One of the reasons that we perceive ourselves as seperate/ not one and equal to eachother is that we live within and self-created personalities. This creates the illusion that we are seperate from eachother and therefore having a hard time sometimes to recognize someone else or something else as a living being. To cut to the case, we live in One universe, but each and every being exists within themselves as there own personal created Universe through the use of the mind and seperating themselves from this one universe that we all have in common.

As portrayed in StarTrek when it comes to paralel universes, each and everyone person who is within and as the mind, exists as paralel universes. These paralel Universes though are not Real. Only this one universe that we all have in common is real.

Within your proces you will have to force yourself to see whether you are identifying things through such a personal perspective or from 'that which is actually real'.

What currently is happening, is that each and everyone is brought back to 'one universe'. Each and everyone is brought to a point where they exists as this 'one dimension' only of themselves. Where there is only 'one time-line'. This is explained with a document of Bernard speaking about Singluarity. However.. This actually means the following: We live here in one 'common universe', A universe where one is equal to what is actually Here to see. What is happening slowly but surely, is that each and every being will be brought back within their mind from 'multiple dimensions', 'multiple paralel universes' to just 'one PERSONAL universe'. Birthing oneself as Life Here as the Physical, actually means, that one must bring themselves 'back' from this 'Personal' Universe, to be able to live within this 'One Common Universe'. So in other words: Each and everyone must trancend their personal universe, so they are Here in and as this ONE Reality.

The information that can be found on Desteni are about specific things to help one realize what is their 'personal universe' and what is actually real. You will see a frightening amount of 'systems' and 'constructs' that these 'personal universes' are made up of. Though be encouraged that if you dedicate yourself to doing this, you will get this done.

So being equal and one to all species I described above means the following: Realize within and as how we live their exists You as being a Vulcan, Ferengi, Bajoran, Betazoid. Yet I must make a notion that you should leave certain skills out of the picture as these skills are merely Mind Consciousness - Constructs. With skills I mean the 'out of the ordinary skills' telepathy, conscious transfer of thoughts and such. If you take these 'skills' out of your 'picture' you will see the beings as their 'expression' as 'How they are'.

To practically assist yourself on how to further engange within your 'process' I will explain a bit on how to indentify things and what to indentify using 'Myself as a Ferengi' as example(this is for information only:

Quote:
If I look at a Ferengi, what do I see as "how" they express themselves?
They are Greedy, Profit drivin, They are unfair, Very egoistic. Quark is also very sexual orientated. Rom lives by the lifestyle of a Ferengi, but is always exploited which makes him sad. Quark uses Rom his weakness as this is allows through their teachings and within the book of acquisition. They 'shiver' for the Grand Nagus.

So within this observation I will do the following since this is a projection of myself unto Ferengis, Quark and Rom. I will Identify all the things where I allow myself to be dishonest within my life, and I indentify ALL dimensions that I see. Thus actually I will look at it this way:

I am greedy, profit drivin, I am unfair, very egoistic. I am also very sexual orientated. I live according to how I have been raised by society and my parents, but I feel/get exploited which makes me sad. I use others their weaknesses as this is allowed according to society and within the bible. I 'shiver' for 'God'.

For each point that I see I will write, investigate within my life and all my 'paralel universes', in the past as memories, present as doing, and future as projections/dreams, and release this through using SF and Self-Corrective Application. SF and Self-Corrective application may be explained later on, but for now I leave for what it is and continue.

There are a few things one must consider within your process of birthing yourself Here Equal to and as Life.

Process is not something you will do so now and then. Process is in each moment of breath. So you have never a day off. To effectively work with yourself Here we use the 4-count breath. See here why.

You must be willing to support yourself, meaning, taking that action that is necessary to realize yourself. Thus by applying the tools that have been provided, you are working effectively towards yourself as who you are Here as life.

Asking Questions on the forum is no problem, yet you must realize your Self-responsibility within Process. Meaning that you can ask Question, but asking Questions to make it easy on yourself won't work. Once you Realize a point for yourself, you will see why asking questions is not about 'knowledge or wisdom'. Therefore be sure that you are ready to get to know yourself, because you will move yourself from the "pretty pictures-world" to Self-Honest Expression, meaning you will see things that have been suppressed and denied for a long time.

So having said that I will continue.

Equality and oneness as Life, what does this mean?
This means your "startingpoint" will be Equal to Life, That you are Equal to Life, That all is Equal to Life. No exceptions. This means there is a lot to be purified as, as you will see all the systems that have been discussed and all the things that you will realize for yourself allong the way. Your effectiveness will always come down to your startingpoint. Because the input = output. This is also one thing that will be realized so there is no need to explain this further.

This whole Community(the participants on the forum) are purifying themselves as their startingpoint. Aligning themselves to and as life and Standing up as life. So no matter what your background is, the board is for everyone who is willing to assist and support themselves. Support and Assist yourself by going through ALL the videos and Articles.

So now let me continue now covering the 'basics' using the StarTrek Races.

We, as Life, is equal within all. Therefore there is no seperation, but "perceived" seperation between yourself and others.So as trekkie (remember all must be translated to the real world) you must become one and equal to all life forms. It's not only life that you seek, but standing one with and as them as life. For instance the Klingons are depicted as war-fanatics, but their expression is of someone who is brave, ready to die. Becoming one and equal to and as them as life, doesnt mean that you must transform yourself that you are ALSO a War-Fanatic, But to stand as Who you are as Life and see what you Accept and Allow as Abuse/Superiority etc. and release yourself from these constructs, so you can fully understand Klingons as WarFanatics, and able to direct that part within yourself where you ARE a warfanatic so it will be No-More. This you will do and continue to do so for All LifeForms. All that you have placed within catagories, All that you have placed within perspective to yourself, but not as yourself as who you are as Life. Obviously this will be a tremendous 'job', but there is no way of returning to your old life once you realized that All Life is Equal.

Now we live in a world where we live by Polarity-Constructs. The sum of all these Constructs and Systems is Referred to as The Mind-Consciousness System. Because there are three levels that work together as ONE. It's the Conscious,SubConscious and Unconscious Mind. These three levels have been discussed a lot on the forum, So I suggest to investigate this further once things are unclear to yourself.

While being willingly involved in birthing yourself as life Here, you will see that we as Mind-Consciousness-Systems give great value to the outer appearance. The one thing as social interaction within StarTrek is that they are more Tolerant to other beings and are not Concerned that much about the appearance. Judging someone because of their appearance is unjustifiable, because we have not been able to Choose what we will born as (look like) within this world. And to take it a step further, even if this was the case, it is still unjustifiable. Because whether one would choose to look like a Ferengi or Cardassian or Klingon, You are Equal to them as Life, And judging them because of their apperance just shows how much you have lived through and as a Mind-Consciousness-System.

Birthing yourself here as life is not about becoming The Perfect Human, Having Perfect Abilities, Being able to surpass yourself as what you currently are aware of. It's a statement of yourself that which you live by as Principle and within the understanding that all Life is Equal. There is nothing to Gain, but Seeing who you really Are. Obviously we have allowing ourselves to be conditioned, thus if expressions step forth, Realize that it is you, but always have been Suppressed and Denied within yourself. I started with saying this, because our imagination can run wild and create/enslave us further when we do not have the correct insight of that what is Here.

I have set three Races apart when I mentioned the races. This has been specific as I would like to use them here as example of what must be taken in Consideration.

The memory-ability of Data exceeds far what we are consciously able to remember/recall. Though in fact the human physical body is able to recall much more, and much more detailed than we are currently consciously aware of. This is for instance very well shown by those who participate within Muscle-Communication as kinesiology or Desteni's Specifc Course Called The Structural Alignement Course.

When we speak that we are not feelings and emotions, often the fear arise that we will become robots, just like data. Therefore I'd Like to adress this by using Data as Example. When Information does not Compute within Data, He won't understand something completely, Yet he is able to observe the surroundings and using his observation to be able to direct himself efficiently. That's how we as Human Beings also operate. We Observe our environment and according to our enviroment we will shape ourselves to the best of our ability to be part of the Whole (the collective). Yet we have the availability of a working "emotional-Chip". This Chip = a program. The emotional-chip of Data contains algorithms and constructs so Data is able to perceive and create emotional-behaviour. We Humans are born with this 'chip'. Yet taking out this 'chip' doesnt mean that you won't be alive anymore, as close observation shows that emotions and feelings are used to interpret things that 'does not compute' and therefore do not make sense, unless we have an emotion or feeling attached to it. Though we have imprisoned ourselves by not seeing that the emotions and feelings that we experience are because of a program, and that it is not in Fact Life. Emotions and Feelings are used to be pre-occupied with, and not seeing that we are actually, walking systems, behaving accordingly, yet feel/experience ourselves alive, because we are able to feel. Yet we are not more than Data but with this emotional-chip to our dispense. Our emotional behaviour has a peculair effect on us. If everything within us, makes sense within the 'Observed Whole', meaning all your information that you have assesed while using the emotional-chip within your understanding of your place within the collective we justify Self-Interest. Using the Androids as Example, We are all Lores, Doing and behaving accordingly to what we Think is Best for Ourselves, disregarding all other Life. Yet our behaviour is in accordance to what we have been Preprogrammed with. Lore is the Perfect example of how one would be if he was preprogrammed as Superiority. And the truth of us Human Beings is that we have certain Degrees of programming on how we will develop ourselves. The creators of StarTrek have done a tremendous job in changing standards, As Lore is portrait as the superior, meaning that Data is portrait as the inferior. Yet we do not perceive Data as inferior because his abilities are far to extraordinary for ourselves as consciousness-minded-beings. Yet he is always attempting to be More = Statement of inferiority. Inferiority/Superiority = Unequality.
So when we are saying to release yourself from feelings and emotions, we say that emotions and feelings can never have any influence on who we are. You will not be a slave of your past, because you have had traumatic-events dictating all that you do. Though we perceive Trauma's only as negative, but the opposite is also true, all positive things that dictate our lives as just as traumatic. To see this, you must see that the patterns are exactly the same, yet one is based on something negative and the other on something positive. So releasing yourself of feelings and emotions = removing both the negative/positive Trauma's. Did you know for instance that a 'Traum' is German for 'Dream'. Negative Trauma's are often described as a Bad Dream that follows you where ever you go, While Positive Trauma's are those Dreams that you pursue. So stopping Emotions/Feelings really means: Stop the Dreaming! LoL. It's commmon sense when I would point out that when you Exists as your past, or when You Exists as the Future, you are Never Here. Thus being in the 'Now' (=the point of time according to your perceived past and future) Does not make any difference in fact, because the now is a sum of all that you 'have been' and all 'that you would like to be'. The Here is undefined by Time. Who you are here, is who you have always been. Thus We in the Process of birthing ourselves as Life Here, means standing up for yourself as who you are Here, that what you have always been, that what you then always will be. Therefore fearing Mind-Control is an actual statement of yourself that you know that you are not in Fact Here. To stop Mind-Control you must change yourself who you are Here. As who you are Here, is stable. Only you can change this, as that is your self-authority. TO be Here and stand Here, is to stand as Self-Authority. Fearing Mind-Control is but the acceptance of yourself that you think you have no Authority of what you do/who you are. So fear of becoming a robot without your emotions and feelings, is but fear of the unknown and not seeing what a robot actually is. We humans are now Organic Robots, following our programs, walking from event to event to eventually trancend a point or two. Emotions and Feelings actually take your eyes of the ball. (you are the ball)

We have through time become more mesmerized by Energy, while not seeing what energy really is. Energy originates from frictionpoints. Like rubbing a stick in some branches together with some moss , creating Friction, which creates heat, which will create fire. So we create energy through Friction. What does this practically mean? We use a Mind-Consciousness-System, which works with Polarity-Constructs and concepts. Such as Hate/Love, Negative/Positive, Sadness/Happiness and there are many more. What is quickly overlooked, because thats all we want to see, is that For Love to exists, Hate must Exist. Love is the total opposite of Hate. Same goes for The negatives and positives and so on. So if you see directly what is implied within this, is that this world and how we live, is based on Hate/Negative/Sadness. Because how can you know what love is, or positive is, without knowing what hate is or negative is? We have the inherent belief that we are Good and Love, yet observing the world is that really true? (Input=Output). That is why most spiritualists will not let go of what they have learned, as they try and pursue that which is 'themselves'. How can you pursue yourself? You can only want to be, which you are not.. right? So the cling on to this dream, self-created through experiences, not seeing that they pursue it because they want to avoid and deny themselves of who they truley are. Yet it are not only spiritualists, it are also the religious, the athiests. All clinging on to some point of seperation, forgetting themselves as who they are Here. And to continue doing so, they must stand as this Friction, this point of Energy-making. Avoiding and trying to cancel out the energies within themselves, or just trying and shoving some energies away so that they can 'absolutely' stand as for instance love. But how can you stand absolutely as one side of the dime? If you are in fact the Dime itself?

But we will never stop pursueing our dreams, as we as our mind are Q. We perceive ourselves as Gods,Super(wo)men, creating one thought after the other. Doing in our minds what does not happen in reality. Having the relationships we wanted to have, having sex with the people we like, killing people who are of no concern of us. We are acting as Q, yet we are unaware of it because it does not get manifest instantly here in this space-time-continuem. If we had the ability to act as Q, here, instantaniously, what would the world look like? Obviously those who are dishonest will say, much better, those who are honest will see, much worse. The world as it currently is, is because we have acting as Q within a space-time-frame. We worked towards points intensively just to get it manifested. If you for instance wanting to be more knowledgable than others, you will progressively work towards that points in all that you do, having the necessary discussions, reading the books, following studies etc, all to get what you want. But can you sincerely say, can you self-honestly say that what you want does not harm another, without even knowing WHO you are, and How you work? Obviously not. But yet, we remain as "I am Q" I can do whatever I want, I have my free-will and noone can stop me. Creating more and more of yourself here because you can not see who you are, your startingpoint thus your input. What is to be observed closely is that many beings, will pray to God waiting for all the time-framed Q's to create and do, while looking up helplessly and asking God why. While others make perfectly use of this, because these people that sit and wait have no relevance whatsoever in this world. All they do is Pray, which is an energetic experience, which is ........ ? And those that do not sit and wait have a clear way to create and walk according to their desires. And instead of standing up as themselves, they pray against Evil. Waiting for someone to save them, while in fact they must 'save' themselves.
By stopping the mind, You stop yourself as 'perceived consequence-less' Q. You will act and Direct. As all that you do is the outflow of your input. While the results may seem so insignificant at first as all that you will experiences are challenged Q's serving self-interests, eventually Life-Awareness will step forth with your environment, as you can stand one and equal to a virus. Uncontrolled, yet those who come in contact with you are still of the Mind-Consciousness-System constructs. Therefore your immediate impact, your immediate creation will be through words. As the words reflect who you are and what you create, though also seeing the direct outflow of possible Q like interpretations within others within the comprehension that they will infect the enviroment (those who let themselves be controlled and infected). So when it's said: to be equal to and as the systems, while not being defined through the systems, means actually, that you must understand that you are Equal to all Q, yet not being defined as being a Q and acting as it. You will do what you do, as you will stand as Equality and oneness as Life. Therefore your Ideas and lifestyles must all be looked at, so you can stand stable here as who you are as life, where the words are a direct representation of who you are as Life. Because you understand that things take time, and that there are consequences. So delete the specialness towards the Q and work as part of the collective, doing that which is best of all.

The Mind-Consciousness-System has been largely discussed on the forum. With all its facets and aspects.

When we observe the borg, other than their with technology infused bodies, there is a peculair thing within the borg. They are all speaking as 'the collective'. They are wired to the collective, they are a part of the collective and they act in name of the collective. We as the unconscious-mind are linked with the 'collective' which is the world system. Thus each human plays a part in the whole of the system. What is to be seen within this, is that we all perceive ourselves as individuals, as we act according to our 'individual' minds, but there is only ONE mind. So even though we may not be aware of this, that we actually have one mind, if we place all the information together that is Here, all the relevant theories out there, quantum, entanglement, interconnectiveness etc etc, one will actually see that there is one mind. When actually realizing this as yourself, you will see there is a great responsibility from your end. As the 'innocent' thoughts that you have, become less and less innocent. Then when you realize that the mind is currently using polarity-constructs which are bound by the 'law of balance' what does this mean? It means that you must get ready to take your responsibility in investigating things in detail and see how you as your Mind-consciousness-system is constructed. And what you can do about stopping yourself as the Mind.
This also means the following, that in case all beings who participate within the Mind, yet one singular human being doesnt want to stop, we are trapped within and as the mind. It cannot be removed. We all must stop as the mind, so it can stop completely. What will be more fascinating to see is that there are NO SECRETS period. Though we might not be consciously aware of others their secrets, We share One Mind.

We are since birth infused with the Mind-Consciousness-system that is individualized as programs, yet we share one mind.

So one one might ask, are these thoughts I have than my own? Yes and No.. lol.

Only that what you stand equal to can be seen and understood. There won't be any genius moments of thoughts where you cannot relate to it somehow. When you investigate our history, and see that people had visions and therefore had their moments of geniusism, it was something deliberate.
From the No-perspective there is a lot of conditioning done. So initially you didnt have such thoughts, but through conditioning, questioning and deliberate infusion of information 'the thoughts became you'.

But we have to take full responsibility for all aspects that consists within and as the mind, because if you cannot stand equal to all that is Here as the mind, you will always be seperated from the whole. Thus always defend your position as 'who you think you are'. Noone is better or worse. We are equal to the lowest point within us. So judging another, is but judging yourself.

Though this does not mean that you must simple accept what another does...

We are here working in each moment on standing equal to and as life. Life is what is Here. To see you and be you as life, you have to birth yourself as life, see who you are as life eternally, honoring all life, as you are part of the whole. If you are not willing to do that, than you as life will not be.

Equality has always been existend within and as us, but has never taken place for all on the same level, it has always been within and as polarity, always a higher and a lower, a king and his peasants. And this must stop, as we are initially all equal to life and worth of life, otherwise we wouldnt be here, yet, change is happening, and change must happen before it will be over for all.

It's simply unacceptable that some have to suffer so other can live better lives. And switching places will only keep things intact. Therefore we have now the chance to practically assist ourselves to birth ourselves here as life.

What you might have done in the past as previous lives is of no benefit here anymore, as the old must go, so the new can step forward.

First we as ourselves must birth ourselves as life, and therefore we must see each aspect of ourselves and more and more will step forward within your awareness so it can be directed. This will be so till all that remains is life.
And if you want to be part of life, you must birth yourself as life, as this cannot only be done by yourself.

So speak as life as who you are as the living word.
Support yourself.

This was the process of "process explained as an Trekkie"
If there are suggestions or questions or additions that you would like to see I can expand on it if requested.

Attic

2009-12-17T21:34:00.000-08:00

Attictions / Addictions

Taking a closer look at addictions and the secret mind;

I was writing about being a slave to the past. Reliving things as if I were addicted to it.

When I speak or talk or write I still verbalize stuff within my mind.

Addict -- Attic

Looking at my home the attic was always a 'mysterious' place. Things where stored behind shelves, 'Secret' rooms to store old stuff, clothes and blankets. It was nicely covered with furniture which we could roll out in the front. And behind it was 'where' all the 'good' stuff was.

The Secret stuff, The forgotten stuff, The stuff hidden by being 'out of sight'.

There is stuff which you just dont want to throw away. Memories. Things of Personal value. A book which you might have bought when you were 5 yrs old or got from a friend and dont want to throw it away as it reminds you for this single moment of that event/happening back then.

I remember always the darkness and perceived 'ghosts' wandering in the dark in the attic. Even walking up to the attic I felt this creepyness within myself.

Sometimes I dared myself to face the stuff and play in the attic. Playing with this weird 'underbelly' feeling ready for the attack or a loud scream if necessary.

That's how I remember the Attic of the house I grew up. Now I sleep in the attic. No fear. Though writing this makes me really experience again those moments of paranoid fear.

There was a room in our attic, where the heating-thing was. When I was in the attic I imagined a man or something maybe coming from that room, hiding.

We must clean our attic, know and see without fear whats up in our attic. SF and let go. For some it might be the basement, but for myself the attic was the scariest room of my house. Home. Your Save Haven.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not feel save at home and feel restricted to enter certain regions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not feel save and feel restricted to enter certain regions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared for the attic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared for the attic because I felt like Danger there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared for the attic because I imagined all kinds of ghosts and people who wanted to hurt me being there in dustless forms.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of darkness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself ot hold on to the fear memories and experiences I had about the attic in my former house when I was a kid and felt defenseless against those who are formless and could be there to hurt you, as all stories about ghosts and shit werent that nice and was always spoken of out of fear or within the sense of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to the manifested fear experience within my underbelly when I were to do things such as entering a dangerous area.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to the things of my youth and place this within myself as a form of hiding within myself as cellular memorie which will pop up so once in a while.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live fear in such a way that it compromises me because I have experienced this fear so lively that I thought it was real should not be forgotten.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition myself according to fear and do not do things just to avoid the experience of myself as fear, not seeing that fear are mind projections and are here for the ingraining of mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compound the fear experiences within me by deliberate doing things that I feared but still holding on to this fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compound myself as fear and not letting go of a fear experiences when things do not happen as it is the fear of, maybe something MIGHT happen, and thus is valid for every new occasion.Unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link smoking to the experience of fear because I secretly smoked in the attic, so my parents werent there to find out.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link my experience of myself as fear to something secret as in secret I feared stuff but said I didnt fear any of it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fill myself with energy when I am in a state of allowed fear or suddenly arising fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resonate on a fear level and create fearful experience for myself which arent real and self-created.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create an experience of fear when I remembet the stairs to the attic as it was unstable and made noise, and thus I always had to sneak up to the attic in order to do my stuff there as investigating or climb upto the roof or secretly trying to smoke.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to intensify fear when I got caught by my mom for secretly smoking having to lie to save my ass, as her sounds resonated consequences which I wouldnt enjoy or were harmless.

2009-12-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

I had a dream tonight.

I was going to the toilet somewhere at school.
I decided to sit down and saw that there was no door, so everyone could see me.
Though I did take a shit.

Then someone I knew walked by and said something, at this moment I was sitting in the toilet, with all this shit floating around. I felt embarresed. And I stood up to wipe the shit of my back. Then I saw I had not only shitted shit, but also a bunch of dead and still alive maggots.

I woke up, and couldnt let go of this dream, wtf, what did it represent?

The night before I wanting to go to sleep, but I was thinking about process, about the blog thats isnt finished yet.

I saw in that blog that I Fear, experience satisfaction through spitefull-action, because its dishonest, but I experience this. As for all things to trigger the right right pattern, I have to see the exact word. Seeing it now, it is also a answer wherein I justify, people deserving things because... The word that triggered was the word 'uitlokken'. In english this would be 'Luring out' as In, luring out emotions and reactions, luring someone out of their hiding place.

I do this structurally. Luring out emotions and luring out the real them in times where they think they are 'stable' and 'untouchable'. It gave me when I was young a real satisfaction, being able to see through people and catch them were it hurts, not only from a satisfaction point but also thatpeople represent themselves different than who they are.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to respect others their safety-zone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to respect others their safety-zone, though not even knowing to where there safety-zone reaches.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to probe safely where someone comforts zones run out.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to probe savety-zone of people through communicating in different manners to find out there weak spot.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing people through reactions I have caused, because I have abused the knowing of weakspots in the past, to get even with them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing people when they get to me, knowing am basing this behaviour onto the past, though when I am here, self-honest there is nothing that people could get to me, unless I am not stable as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing people and making them cry, because I have used their weakspots unconsciously and sometimes consciously to intimidate them and bring across a point, seeing that it has always been a point where they have deliberately disregard me as being their equal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing myself as my process by being self-honest, as I see so much of myself which i am not clear in and as, knowing its my process and that i can take what I have created as maybe the outflows hasnt been serious, but still unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear unacceptability from others towards myself, where I am hurt in unacceptable ways.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear people being unacceptable to me, knowing this will only prolong if I keep accepting their unacceptabilities.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the luring out of things, so people are embarresed about themselves instead of making me an emberrasment for them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed for myself as process and how dedicated Iam to this, without any proof of why, just common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed about myself for walking a process while others continue with their 'lives'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed about myself as process as emberrasment brings out the worst in myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed about myself in sharing process with others, because I have said things without embarresment, while actually coming with bullshit, though it was the only way I could grasp the understanding of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel weak because of embarresment of myself, as I thought I had nothing to be embarresed about.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide embarresment instead of facing the point of embarresment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarressed if people see me doing something as 'perverse'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarressed for not being able to keep my word(worth).

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience embarresment for things I do as it suits the lived construct of being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience embarresment not seeing that this keeps me going as inferior/superior.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that embarresment is an interpretation of inferiority and thus is part or an outflow of the inferiority/superiority-construct.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that through the allowance of myself as embarresment I particpate within the inferiority/superiority-construct.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience pain in my stomach, and remembering myself where I was a kid and experience pain in my stomach, feeling it as crawling maggots within myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek salvation through the use of energy, knowing and realizing that salvation is Here through self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek salvation through the use of energy, instead of seeing that this energy is not infinite in nature and because I didt allow myself to take from myself as seperate, I took it from my own body, and the substance as food, not seeing that I am now am redapting as the physical in not using energy as I have used too.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to perceive the judge of myself as being seperate from myself as represented within my dream, perceiving be only as the 'to be judge' instead of seeing that I am the one 'who judge' through using and participating within the constructs of the mind and the mind itself.

I allow myself to digest things.

I allow myself to digest the things which are dishonest of myself and making sure that I will not allow such a thing again.

I experience some sort of stomach pain, as its swollen or full, too expanded.

Beliefs Better
Hale (hail the king?) Sleuren = dragging

How does this relate to the belief of 'better' this dragging?

The dragging of someone over the endline. It's better to drag people than to leave them behind.

Book: Social unequality

I experience myself dragging myself each day over to that point of flow. It's better than to leave things be.
I see that I through dragging myself to such a point trying to prevent unequality. I still perceive unequality as seperate from myself. As if there are outside sources to which I must stand equal too.

It feels like I drag myself to points to which I feel resistance or see unequality. As a string tide up to my stomach dragging myself forth. I perceive that also as better than, standing still, as standing still = stagnation.
I see points seperate from myself but do not experience it as being within myself as myself.

Like there is still a standard and I push myself towards this standard of how things are, but I do not stand here as myself. alone. The 'goal' is still there, not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think its really noble of myself to stand equal to the unequals and wait till the unequals become equal, knowing that I will stand as unequality deliberate, but seemed to be the most honourable thing to do, as I understood that I was equal to the lowest point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate maintain my equality to the lowest point of unequality as this is my point where I feel and experience my perceived self, as my perceived self = inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I deliberate place myself in places where I am inferior, as this is my sense of self-worth and have been able to trust myself in a certain degree.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare my experience of self-worth as equal to the experience of myself as self-worth as inferior, facing the responsibility and 'schijnbaarheid' of myself within my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create projected scenario's about me being inferior and being dragged towards a point where I resisted myself to be there, and therefore created this resistance towards 'dragging' as all have to come from self-movement, without this deliberate dragging into a system as we now know it.

I am self-movement.
I am self-trust.
I am equality.
I am process.
I am progress.
i am all.

I allow myself to release and let go the memories of myself as who I was and how I experienced myself as equality.

2009-12-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

Fear of influencing people for the worst.

I was replying on a spiritual dating site, where I subscribed to a long time ago. And i still so now and then reply to topics and stand within equality and oneness, being direct, though taking lots in consideration, as I feel myself now to be a sort of 'infiltrant' within their 'thing'.

I have discussions with older people allot, and I fear my influences. Meaning I know and see how I have influenced beings before and how influencial I can be. Though I stand for awareness of life, within and as equality and oneness, I still fear stuff.

Will this be for the better of all, if I say stuff which might fuck up their system?

This has been a real concern for me. I therefore create seperation according to their position as religion and age.

I fear creating mental problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating mental problems.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, as I perceived myself sick for feeling so seperate from all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear creating mental problems, as I could see the pain and injustice within such problematics.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, as I perceive myself to be not able to express myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become spitefull towards those with mental problems, as I couldnt see how mental problems were created.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, as I projected such an existence as lunatic, where I tried to make people listen but was disregarded because I didnt fit in fairy wonderland.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, by fucking up somebodys world as I project and imagine such pain where all is perfect and then gets broken down in just one conversation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebodies personal world, as I see within myself a certain satisfaction within that.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebodies world, as I do not trust myself as I see this satisfaction within myself lurking around, while doing what I do to bring awareness, I am still influenced by this, as supression doesnt mean real change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebodies world from a perspective of pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebody entirely, as I see this point of satisfaction of seeing people suffer.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being mean, as this is me fucking up somebodys world, and linking this to the idea of inner satisfaction of evilness, and the satisfaction of a being who is finally able to see and regard other beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the satisfaction-experience of myself as pure evilness, because I have learned to deal with such dishonesty by making it justified, as this was the only way to give it an idea of purpose.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear myself as this experience, because its linked to charming effects on women, as they like slight bad and mysterious guys who gut something up their sleeves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear myself as becoming unattractive to women, when i would let go of myself as this self-created image, as I thought I couldnt be too nice, as they would experience no 'energy'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive evilness as something attractive, as I thought I lacked something and thus wanted to make myself more attractive by copying a self-created image.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive myself as evil, as I tortured a fly when I was a kid by pulling of its lack, and finding it somewhat funny, not considering a reason why I did that, I just needed to know that i was capable of doing such a thing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear experiencing satisfaction through being dishonest, because I reflected an experience of revenge seen in movies, where it was feeling well to get even on someone who was dishonest an dmaking someone unneccessary suffer.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a fear of of death, by reflecting myself as being a murderer.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a fear of satisfaction, as I have linked satisfaction to an act of revenge and evilness and getting even, as I do not experience a satisfaction other than that so extreme.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a satisfaction when I see beings spreading fear, as I perceive their 'projected' power because of that, knowing I am their equal and such capabilities, and therefore fearing my influence as I do not stand as equality as All yet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience fear of having to kill someone I love, means something to me, as projected injustice of life through zombie-horror movies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself for hating myself for having to ;kill; my dog, killing as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not stand equal to death, as death kills.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate death, as death kills, and seemed so injustice.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear creating perceived justice, where I justify things as justice but are but a injustice of myself.

I forgive myself that I h ave allowed myself fearing myself laughing behind somebodies back, because I see the dishonesty though seeing these actions within my youth to ease my experience pain.

2009-12-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

Jealousy Celebs
splenetic "Heavy lifting" (zwaartillend)

If I look at Celebs, I see 'carefreeness'. No need to prove themselves as worthy, as they are already accepted by the elite and already accepted by lots of humanity. They do not have to worry about credibility.

I experience this experience of myself when I am on a forum, other than Desteni. They are in the mind and completely as the mind. I find it hard to reply without this experience of myself.

People always say that I am too heavy on myself, that I take things to heavy. This is true. But it's so automatic. Therefore I need more information to be able to stop this.

People deserve sufering because... (we have done this ourselves)
libidinous

How does that relate to eachother.. I am heavy on myself because I see there is a lot of things I could have done, if I only knew beforehand.
I am looking for an Experience which I perceive as libidinous, which is, my point of actual release. And because I havent been able to come to such a point of real actual release, I remained heavy burdend, because obviously there is something wrong, I miss something, therefore worrying, and holding on that I must suffer more, to do my best in finding this.

I see, I opened a new read topic of 'too late' that I fear manifesting stuff, which I might regret and say its to late, because I perceive non participation as having no-outflow, but this is just a justification, which I believe to really do nothing, I will do it 9 out of 10 times, but I hesitate still. I see this is directly linked to this experience.

I see.. I have come to my senses when I initially asked 'why', why this, why that, and because I havent forgotten, I experience that in all moments. I can certainly agree that the how is far more important, but if I didnt initially asked how and why, I wouldnt never known what I have actually known.

this is actually really simplistic, also if I look at communication, if I can only concentrate on the How, the why becomes irrelevant. I have always tried to explain the Why, Why things work as they work, not How things work and their outflow. I perceived that as they 'journey' Really it still is, but a less full of wonderment journey than I have walked. But then again, would this 'why' be so important to Have to? Would I like to experience people just as Me? No. Ok, first practical step here: How do Use the why, to ensure people to look for the same things that I have?

I create curiousity, I give them more information than actually needed.

How do I participate within that? I am semi loving, semi harsh, because I do not trust myself in manifesting other problems where in the 'why' is not such a cool experience to see. Eventually they will see they Why, but I must not be focused on their why's (ways) I must maintain my focus on the how, as that are practical workable answers i can give myself to work with, and the rest, is just floating around and used for fear and regret, blame etc.

Y/N: Has this been sufficient: Y

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire a carefree life, knowing I will never be able to travel back in the past, and undo my knowing by not knowing as that would be the only way to be 'carefree'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire a celeb-life, so I can hold on to my desire to not have known.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look up to carefree lives, knowing I see my responsibility and I can never unknow myself from that what I know through seeing it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire a life of ignorance, as this wouldve made me see what responsibility I had all along, instead of 'hoping' for such a responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ignorance, because I have been burded with things people normally dont see.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself that I got what I wished for, true responsibility.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I have seen and experience my responsibility through an inferior construct and thus linking it to all my experience within and as inferiority, instead of seeing that I stand equal to the responsibility that I see within myself, I didnt get more than I could actually handle.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I can take on that what I know and have seen, and therefore create an understanding as the hows in the word so slowly but surely all get to the point of their actual responsibility, Self does not allow to give more than one can handle.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to regrets, because the answers to the why's were to shocking and unrelax, fearing seeing the more 'why's' if this aint all, instead of seeing that I wont get more 'why's' answers if I cant handle myself here as practical application as life itself. I got the understanding and see the hows, first set myself here as the How as to what I know and more will reveal in due time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with the why's, because nobody could actually answers the why's and seeing my why answer being confirmated through desteni made me aware that it was real and horrible to know.

I accept myself as what I know.
I do not hold on to inferiority and fuck myself over, by the perception that I cannot handle it.
I accept that the 'desired release' I was waiting for will never come, as this is where I am and this is the responsibility I have. Now focus on the How's and see what might open up later, as the acceptance is less hurting, than wishing things away.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I have been given to much t o handle, knowing self is self and self can handle self, is self wants to be self and not more than self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to creep on myself with thoughts of why things, knowing I know why, now asking how to continue without the known of unreversal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to creep on myself as the mind, replaying words and shit over and over again, because I perceived myself to be to weak to handle it, knowing and seeing, I handle that what I can handle, and will in self-honest information providing never give more than one can handle, as this is the responsibility of self.

I forgive myself that I use the mind to reflect on certain outflows where I see outflows where I might be wrong or right, seeing that I do this as self, and if Self is reading this, self only takes in what self can handle.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive my nurture skills through the mind and use this as morality as to why I should do things, not on HOW I should do things.

I release myself of the Why in according to the Saviour construct.

I accept myself as the saviour of myself.

I am self-acceptance.

I am self-trust.

I am self-responsibility.

I am the practicality of self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make things to hard for others, because I perceived the why as more important as the how.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to make things hard on myself, as I trapped myself in why and self-pity, instead of how to stand up and live.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that I have difficulty having relationships, instead of seeing that I didnt allowed myself to see the way in practical assistence, but only the why, and since the why caused much irrelevance, I denied self-enjoyment and myself as living-application.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself as sharing on forums other than desteni, because of perceived reactions, Seeing I am doing things self-honestly, and that the outflow of such situations are for the benefit of all, even when this is self-inflicted pain as I have shared myself as self-honesty and take responsibility for self-honest communication. I do not allow myself to go into self-inflicted pain through projections of outflow, and wanting to walk process for them, I cant I accept that.

I accept that I cannot walk process for other beings.

I accept myself as self-assistance within sharing myself with others within their process, keeping it self-honest, expressing it self-honest, and do not allow myself to manipulate to keep them from teh truth of themselves through word manipuation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to bring people to an understanding, but not wanting to take responsibility for them being able to fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to prevent beings from being able to fuck up, thus walking their process instead of them walking on their own, and use the fuck ups to wake up, as that causes understanding in and how the fuck ups are/were created by them and them alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must suffer for people, because I dont think all beings deserve to suffer, only those who participated, and since we all really participated, I can let go of this self-defeating thought, as I am just as accountable as anyone else for this existence. Knowing or unknowing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that people who know, have more responsibility than others, knowing that this is bullshit, as they have been responsibile themselves for not asking and not explorering, though happily participating and using thing, noone has more responsibility within equality and oneness, not even I, and thus I can let go of the idea that I alone have been responsible, and therefore must save the world, existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel burdend, because I have allowed myselft o believe that I am the only one who knows, and that all people are here more to bring me down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people deserve to suffer, as suffering feels only natural to me, and perceive myself to have become a better man.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people must suffer because I have become a better man through that, knowing this is just a opinion to make myself feel good about my suffering as this is the way i walked and have came to insights, not perceiving this to be also possible in a world where none have to suffer.

I Forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people deserve to suffer to come to insights, not seeing that beings sometimes must suffer for them to be able to see there pure form of deceit and greediness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to see that I have used the mind to create a world of suffering for myself, as I knew that I can only see what suffering means if I suffer for real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I must live as suffer, knowing its now a pattern of myself, which was the only mean to realize suffering without going through an actual life of real suffering, better here, and correct myself than having to do something later, because I cannot face the pain, seeing within this I have taken the direct princple to understand myself as suffering and that I through that see self-honestly and can see common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive myself as unchangeable, because I have always said, I will never change, not seeing what change really meant, and what change actually implies, and not seeing that through the idea that I am 'unwilling' to change I create friction within myself as I am Change, continously and stable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to forget my startingpoint when I reflect on certain situations, all bringing it down to self-defeating experiences, knowing that the intent has been fucked with my dishonesties, and that I have to get to the dishonesties, but leave myself as this intent, as I had placed me already in living-expression as this intent, but havent been able to unconditionally living it, and thus therefore the intent was deceit in the beginning though, not only to serve myself, but to make their lives better as well.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to punish myself mentally through creating experiences within me, because even though I have allowed myself to bring myself to an understanding of equality and oneness, my practise wasnt absolute, blaming myself for learning how to be, which is ofcourse nonsense and self-defeating.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to punish myself mentally when I perceive other beings having formed a resistance towards me, as this punishment suits myself as standing inferior, and not seeing what is actually going on.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that when people have created a certain resistance towards me, they have not been self-honest.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that when I have a resistance towards somebody, I have not been absolutely self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek fullfillment as an experience of total extacy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create a projection of what fullfillment really is.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that fullfillment is me as 100% self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I used the inferiority construct to create an experience-based definition of fullfillment.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I find it so normal to think that people deserve things, knowing that this is a conditioning of pain vs reward.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience jealousy towards other beings, because I project my 'needs' in their 'haves'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealousy at celebrities, if I project my needs as their haves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealousy, because I projected self-acceptance as something where you are 'loved' and envied by allot of other peeps.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealous at celebrities, because I projected the xperience of fame, as self-acceptance and a reason to accept self-contentment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealous at celebrities, because of the influence they can have.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be a celeb, so I could have more influence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to the idea of my desire to be a celeb and have influence, instead of realising that it is also related to the fear of influence, as I see self-responsibility and created fear for self-responsibility because I experienced myself and accepted myself as inferior and thus always having the wrong influence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to fear influencing people, knowing that I will only influence those who allow themselves to be influenced, and that standing in equality and oneness, and having a position of influence, will be acceptable, if I honour myself as life and honour life as all.

2009-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

I was taking a piss and observed my piss returning to earth. I looked at it and thought: Shouldn't I give it attention? An Intent? With other words, shouldn't I consciously imprint a specific intent within it?

So I stopped within myself and looked at intent..

Why work with intent?

Working with intent is an indication of seperation. So it's an indication of Self-Dishonesty. Why?

What has been the startingpoint of people working with intent?
Consciously Attracting - Consciously Manipulating - Consciously 'concentrating on an outcome'.

Consciously = Seperation

So Why Self-Dishonesty?
Because it's manipulating. Placing your own 'will' into matter. Imprinting it with energy so it fits your 'mind'.

Equality and Oneness = Input=Output

So if you need to 'concentrate on the output' the input is not equal to yourself as who you are.

So if one is consciously manipulating an outcome by intent, you know that you are dishonest. Because if 'who you are' = Absolute Self-Honest Equal and One = Output Equal to yourself. No Conscious intention needed. So working with intention, intent, shows you are not fully self-honest, as you can only give 'who you are'.

So indentify the intentions that you have and work by, face the dishonesty and change yourself so its equal to yourself in self-honesty, consider the equality between you and another, as things can only be self-honest, if this is best for all.

False Pride = Inferiority/Superiority-Construct = Self-Acceptance
Conceit = Survial-Construct = Self-Acceptance - Look at Openness - Vunerability
Resentment = Hate/Love-Construct | Victim-Victimizer
Jealousy = Hate/Love-Construct | Fear-Construct | Greed/Dependency/Comparison/expressions
Suspicion = Survival-Construct | Fear-Construct = Self-Acceptance/Self-Trust
Distress = Fear-Construct = Self-Stability/Self-Directiveness

My Experiences with SRA so far

2009-12-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

Since Nov I am participating in the SRA.

We have not much stuff to work with, first month really more establishing effective communication with the muscle.

Since two days I have lesson 2. Which is working with information.

I tried 3 sessions already and finding a way to comfortably walk through the information.

All I can see now things look great as I can support myself now more directly. I will work through more points and eventually start making vlogs, this will be fun.

Ray

I live in and as Two worlds

2009-11-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that I was still not standing as t he words: self-directiveness.

I was really tired, not so much sleep and a burial. So I went to bed.

I dreamed about me being sick, and that I had a really hard piece of flesh at the solar plexus, like a flat tumor only in the flesh. I was feeling this and supprised. I doubted my application of SF and how I have been living. My mother and sister where then in the room. And they compared my body to that of my dad.

(my dad recently died, but in my dream i was the one who was more sick then my dad, he was quite ok)

And my mom was saying stuff about my body where i went in a : omfg-mode, this is real, I gonna die. Not really scared, but mad and suprised that it has come this far.
i saw my dad standing next to my sis, and I was thinking like: WTF how can this be, my dad is dead, how can he stand there?

I slowly drifted back to the awareness of the my real human physical body. And then It striked me. It was so real! I was living in two worlds at the same time. In the one I am applying myself Here as corrective application and standing one and equal to the physical, and in the other one I am full of doubt and fear and comparison. I saw that In the physical Here, I apply myself as self-directiveness But not really seeing how. In the Mental There,, I do not feel any self-directiveness, I feel lost and weird and fearful.

I saw Again the realisation of myself as where I am moving towards and becoming: Singularity. One World. And that I have to apply SF and corrective aplication as this one world, to integrate the lessons I learn from this Second World.

I was still tired and asked myself to why beings find it so normal to compare eachother with another. Was it that beyond this all, we know we are Really One and Equal, but didnt see how and in what Extent?

I drifted back into sleep, with another dream, but this I cant remember, All having to do with death, as I have been to a burial today, just 2 weeks after I buried my father.

I had difficulty remaining here and not getting mad at the church-thing. How people believe we BELONG to God, and that the church uses the fear of so many good-willed people to be and become fearfull beings always in the waiting row for death and judgement. I breathed through it. I 'Saw' the Here, But I couldnt stand as Here, I was only here as breath, but not as the entirety of myself as breath, Here.

I still have a question in regards to what I have experienced one day.

I stood still for a moment, and all the world looked mechanical. I saw everything walking accordingly, no doubts or questions, they did things because they were programmed to do so. Asleep within. I got scared that I now really lost grip on reality, because I didnt feel a thing at all. I saw. No emotion or feeling. But I brought myself back to where I was able to 'feel' again. Because it just didnt seem right. I asked myself for years now if it was because of the drugs or attainment level through meditation, was I experiencing the HERE of myself as a Complete system, Complete seperation, As manifested God, the one who was aware?
They had a name for this it resembles the 'syntoms' of : Solipsism

I Also had A Time, where i didnt feel myself breathing though I was, I was directing myself in and as the breath, though I didnt feel anything anymore, not even the out or inbreath. This was scary too, So I brought myself again 'back'.

As far for these questions, I realize again the process of our becoming of in and as singularity.

I didnt feel self-directiveness, because I was applying myself in two seperate worlds, Not really seeing what I was doing. And "Where" I was.

I will do SF as this realisation and release the doubt existing within me if I am on 'track'.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live the realisation of the process of singularity within each breath and get lost in and between the both worlds, instead of choosing the physical in and at all times.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live the realisation of the process of singularity within each breath, because I didnt want to see that I was living in two seperate worlds and what the process was really about.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live as the realisation of me as singularity, because of this other world I live in or sometimes stand in between.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been standing and functioning as a balancing point between the physical and the mental not choosing where to express myself and how to express myself because I couldnt see what Iw as doing and standing as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds who are in a collision course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowedmyself to live in two seperate worlds who are in a collision course, where the physical will remain and I am still choosing to hold on to both as I didnt know what to do about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two worlds at the same time, without noticing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two worlds at the same time, and me trying to balance them so that the collision of these worlds will be delayed or somehow slowed down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds where in one world I just am, and in the other world I must be superman, not choosing sides, but asking myself and doubting myself which world to choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds where I fight for both, because I cannot tell the difference which one is real, because to me they are both so fucking real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds, because I find it scary to choose either one, because I do not want to give things up and seeing after that it has all been a waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I live in and as two worlds, and why I have difficulty with myself HERE, because parts of me are scattered all around these world, and there is no real feeling to choose from or a list which world one should live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must hold on to the worlds, because I dont want parts of me being missed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must hold on to the worlds I live in, because I dont want or can afford myself to miss a part of my beingness going lost or to waste within the transition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must hold on to the other world, because I have devolped myself within that world, and things were working for me there, now seeing I have to go back to where I started and integrate that in the world that I understand now to be illusionary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop such self-trust in the other world, that I have difficulty standing as Self-trust in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympatize my holding on to the ilussionary world, because I have become so skilled within that world that I fear ending up, feeling and being nothing anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympatize my holding on to the illusionary world, because I had such big plans for myself which are in the physical and without a mcs quite the biggest bullshit stories ever imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to the illusionary world, because I have only known the other world by looking at it from the world I created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to the illusionary world, because I cannot image what it will be like when its gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to the illusionary world, because in this world I really meant something to my own standards and wanted to invite all into my world of perceived unconditionality, but was in fact a world of good camouflaged conditionalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to this illusionary world where I fear and created and fitted all emotions and feelings in so that it would be 'good' and 'right' from my perspectives and standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to my illusionary world, because in the real world my memories and intentions mean jack shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and imagine what it would feel like to be completely equal and as the physical, knowing I cannot know or see this I have to do this to see and completely let go of my illusionary world of great make beliefs wonders and fairytales, songs and dances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and imagine what it would feel like to be completely equal and as the physical, knowing I can not do this as all will be illusionary, I have to be, not to think and wonder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the loss of wonderment within my life when I give up my illusionary world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the consequences of the loss of wonderment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the consequences when things will never be the same again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the consequences of my actions without even seeing what it is what is really here as consequences, because I have shaped and fitted all consequences right and perfectly within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the illusionary world a world of where I am as my b eingness and not of pretence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the illusionary world of a world where I accepted and loved by all, and that no pretence could exists because only for the right people skills would open up, and those who are willing are able to 'get' these skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I will experience myself, knowing that the current experience of myself is of only two worlds, one I do not see full, and one I see full but is illusionary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that my application is quite effective as my illusionary world gets emtied out more and more, but feeling empty because I perceived that illusionary world the world of my true beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that things will be easy when I have completely undone myself from my imaginary world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my second world, because I fear becoming totally dishonest in ways Ihave not imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my second world, instead of seeing that the fear of becoming totally dishonest as who I am here in and as the physical is just a justifcation, an excuse to not give it up and live Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the imaginary world, because I do not know what lies beyond imigination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not caring anymore when I let go of the imaginary world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not caring anymore about my parents if I let go ofthe imaginary world, because I have not seen the real I here as the physical as and in its totally so I think about doom scenarios, just to justify myself being here as this 'omhulsel van twee werelden'.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and about my beingness and what I have to do and stand as.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and my preoccupation within my former lives.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and preoccupation within my former lives, so i can use that as blame and as cause to stay within my imaginary world, because in becoming the physical all of that is not valid anymore and gone and useless.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and my preoccupations so I can correct myself in where I went wrong, seeing now I have completely missed the boat and that I have to reconsider everything again as who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live thoughts, because thoughts was all I could trust.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live projected feelings, because that was my understanding of myself as purity and sincereness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live projected feelings and emotions towards others because that was my understanding of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself by attaching a feeling to the word unconditionality, instead of seeing that unconditionality isnt even a feeling, its a realisation.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om zoveel dingen welgeemnd te zeggen zonder dat ik echt begrepen had in hoeverre ik mezelf een perfecte slaaf gemaakt heb van mijn eigen kunnen en doen.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to talk about shame, not seeing I am the one who shouldnt be ashamed for what I did, I did all in the perfection of myself and have manifested myself almost as my own perfect slave.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to say that the physical is nothing, because when I experienced hurt and sorrow it was within the physical not seeing that it was my perfect entrance to welcome myself into my imaginary world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to say that I am nothing, seeing what I have been able to do on my own and almost perfected myself as my own slave which is what one could call quite an achievement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a world within inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a game that is so serious and that is taken so seriously, as I am seriousness in its totality as it is pure self-dedication in what I do and stand for.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have build my world of illusions and imaginary things since a young age, and that I have had the possibility and ability to create this world so perfect and fervently to my understandings and who I am as self-dedication and giving things all up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to flirt with the idea that I should stick to my creation, as it is my perfect creation of enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn, as this was my willingness to dedicate all that I do to self, not seeing how I have been fucking with myself and dedicate myself to fuckedness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flirt with the idea that I have to continue in a wolrd of illusions to experience that ultimate energetic experience within sex, seeing I enjoy sex less and less and it becomes more and more dull, energized by some hope that each time me be a real time release of myself of who I truley am, and feeling deceived after each participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive expression as energy expressions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that real expressions are real intens energetic movements.

Being Sick

Being sick is not fun. It influences your application and the freedom of yourself as movement. Its a reason for people to make fun of you, or be digusted by your body. You can not roll with everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that unfun things happen to you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have fun, because of the fear of sickness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have fun and therefore fear being or becoming sick.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that if I am not having fun, it means that I am out of the picture, because its 'normal' to have fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sickness, because I do not perceive events where I could enjoy myself or really have fun, or being filled with extacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have fun, and because I do not experience myself as having fun, I think I am sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a world without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where everybody is happy, because I perceive myself to be sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where I am not there, because I perceive myself to be sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where I can look at everyone within enjoyment, and without me because I 'am' sick.

Sick, S - Ick , Sonder Ick, Zonder ik , = Without I.

I forgive myself that I have come to a world where I perceive myself not to have any place within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have come to a world where I shouldnt be.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the possibility that I have been positioned wrongly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a possibility that I have might made a choice to be the man who I am today, here, perceiving himself sick, ready to remove himself, just because it seems I cannot cope with others and enjoy myself as they are able to do.

"I had a really hard piece of flesh at the solar plexus, like a flat tumor only in the flesh."

Tumor - Humor
Solar Plexus - My city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself away by denying myself of Humor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a world without humor, which seems so unme, so impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, as I was tired to perceive myself as the clown of the nation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, as I was tired of this emptiness within me, while laughing and seeing more people gather around me just to experience some fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, because I perceived myself to be missing something, as this emptiness and doubt couldnt fill me up and my hollowness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as humor up, because that seemed the moral way of dealing with myself when I came aware that this world was nothing to laugh about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, because it seemed only moral to do such as thing, and if that was necessary I would do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and work with a moral-construct and apply this to myself as self-enjoyment and humor, because I saw that I had sometimes very sly comments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and work with a moral construct, and deny myself of self-enjoyment because of my slyness, due to shyness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been trying to cover up my shyness by becoming slyness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have a tendency to rhyme within my lifestyle and how I must act accordingly, because that is how I created myself I see in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have holding on to myself as this idea that I do not exist as humor, because my humor was something false and hurtfull.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as self-enjoyment and as the humor that is me, that is equal and one, and self-honest.

I am self-honesty.
I am self-enjoyment.
I stop the moral-construct.
I stop existing as morality.
I am.
I am Here.
Life.

My mother and sister where then in the room.
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize the self-nurturement that I am.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted myself as Caress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the shyness of my mother and sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the uncertainty that I see within my mom and sis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom and my sis, for abandoning me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom and sis, because they have done things to me, which I found so "irradical". (dunno this word just came up)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the experience of myself where I felt abandoned by my mom, and abandoned by my sis, and the abandonement of my sis towards my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that great deal of my life revolves around the fear of abandoment, and the hate towards those who abandon.

"And they compared my body to that of my dad."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to my fathers, because I am taller than he was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to my fathers, because he didnt had the same diseases as I had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my dad, because he died recently and that felt like an abandoment.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my dad, because I smell like him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my dad, because we bothe njoyed laughing very much and very loudly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there was something wrong with my dad, because he could laugh about things that werent funny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my dad is myself at a further stage in life back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my dad, because it looked that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever having to replace my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming like my father, because I wanted more out of life, I didnt want to work only, and I didnt want people having to be proud of me for my accomplishment, I wanted to be me, not my dad.

I let go of the comparisment between my father and I and the humor that seemed so similiar.

I forgive myself that I h ave accepted and allowed myself to judge my dads humor, because he was my dad.

I accept myself as humor.
I accept myself as the stable factor within my life.
I accept myself as life.

"And my mom was saying stuff about my body where i went in a : omfg-mode, this is real, I gonna die."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing, because it a sign that I killed myself.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I always knew we were killing ourselves, but that I didnt know exactly how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and hold on to the idea that curiosity kills, as I perceive myself to be curious.

"i saw my dad standing next to my sis, and I was thinking like: WTF how can this be, my dad is dead, how can he stand there?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the disbelief that the mind is picture based and the dimensions is totally black.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the disbelief that the dimensions is not picturebased somewhat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the disbelief that I have forgotten all about myself in the dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project deceased people as pictures so I can see it within the minds eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have forgotten about my statements as life within my previous SF-series.

I am life.
I accept a reality that is not picture-based.
I accept myself as a being that is not picture-based.
I accept myself as myself.
I accept myself without a mind consciousness system.

2009-11-22T13:11:00.000-08:00

Walking through points of uneasiness.

Last couple of days I have found a tremendous difficulty within my process.

It has me preoccupied, and leaving things just as they are for a moment (couple of days) made me aware of several things.

I fear standing.
I expect nurturement.
I suppress myself within the breath, because If I hold on to the breath, I can hold on to the past.

Today I went to the grave of my dogs. It was tricky. I stood there and cried.
Some things are just irreplaceable.

I wanted to hold on to the past, hoping It would be again as then. But this will not be so.

Wanting to be in the past, or the past to come is the illusion as it slips further away in each moment, with new things which you have to learn, being new each day, and you expect yourself to be in the past again someday or someway.

This Will not be so, And I realise this.

It is not very cool, though most things are not cool.

I realize the last couple of days because of the tension within me, that I get really irritated. Irritation that I formely could properly 'wash away' by replacing it with another thought.

"oops, I shouldnt think as that, how should I think and then then?"
I talk then within myself to scramble the thoughts I have within me. Seeing some things will not change, but only from a certain perspective.
YEs I wanted to change, I wanted to change because I see I am not such a nice person as I could be, and even maybe should be. But this is what I am here atm. What;s the use in denying that?

I am here as breath and everything just feels so weird.

Several a(tention) points come up.

I have resided from the forum for a couple of days (month) The death of my father was heavy on me, though I didnt want to acknowledge that. I am mad because of his death. I am mad because of my application. I am mad that even within this time he was dying, I wasnt able to let myself fully be as who I am.

I see I have been changing at several death of myself.

My first death was when my first GF and I broke up.
My second death was when I had to let go of my dog.

I havent been able to let this unconditionally go. Why? BEcause? Was that what I felt and expressed with them so wrong? Didnt I love them? Didnt I? Thats very weird to question. And thats because of all the knowledge that I have within me that I cannot practically live.

I could live love practical. And I did. What did I not see within all of this?

I fear falling back within a depression. I fear being wrong. But what I lived, before coming to desteni, yes, it was in seperation, but that doesnt make it all wrong. It makes it only not fully right. I couldnt accept myself as being equal to all in all the divers ways of where I perceived myself being impractical. I wasnt wrong. But I am such an asshole towards myself, that I somehow love to see to see myself fail and say to myself: you see this? This wasnt necessary.

There is a lot of things that later on may seem unneccesary, but looked right atm. I saw self-honest within that, though I didnt understood what self actually was.

I must not Recover - I must reclaim self. I am me. I can stand up. I stand up. Here I stand.

Process of Self-realisation

2009-10-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

So I asked myself from time to time: What is the process of self-realisation?

More and more information gets presented and through that you can easily get lost if
you lose the comprehension of yourself as the presented information.

So Today I asked myself: What is the process of self-realisation?

It's the process of the realisation of self, as all that exist, in and as equality.

Of course such words can be taken lightly, but what does it really mean?

It's a process of multidimensionality to singularity. Meaning.. One has to realize and stabilize themselves as 'who they are'. Where 'who they are' stand in and as equality within each situations. No hiding, no fleeing from self-honesty.
Than that point of true self-honesty, integrated within and as self, as 'who they are' meaning, it becoming your expression, it resonates with yourself in all that you do. Thus in case it might occur that you 'forget' who you are, you as the essense is the same, stable, always, in infinity, in eternity.

Thus in and self-forgiveness you let yourself through all your defenses and all your system, changing yourself as the root, as the essense, as the source. It is then who you are.

Each system is based on it's roots, on it source. It cannot do what the source does not allow.

For this, all human, must sort out their dimensions, their inter and multidimensionality to came to that point of singularity. Themselves as who they are where they are equal to the creator and the created. Where the created is a direct reflection of their allowances. Where no more personalities can exists. It's one. You are as all, and all is equal to you.

Within this we can sort out the current shit in this world, step by step, and see the point where we do not stand one and equal to, where we do not stand as absoluteness, as our absolute self. We see the points where we still allow ourselves to be a slave, to be overmasterd by an event.

This cannot be sorted out as superiority or inferiority. You cannot stand greater than your creation and your allowed nature. No being is your master. You are your master, and become your own student. You teach and explore yourself to transform your student-nature to your equal. It's here, your point as absoluteness within oneness and equality is here.

Obviously its an extensive road ahead of us, but what can we do when we realize ourselves as the outflow and the cause? We cannot be dictated by our past allowances.
It doesnt mean that all your aspects were crap, but all your aspects have to be reevaluated, till all of yourself stand in and as your absoluteness. No polarity.

The point where you are able to move yourself as self, as all.
Stop your own bullshit and allow yourself to see what you have allowed yourself to do and to live and what you were trying to accomplish. Clear your startingpoint. And what is the startingpoint if self is the cause and outflow?

Find and see the strength as yourself to forgive yourself for all. Who can forgive you if you cannot forgive yourself? And who are you able to truly forgive, if you cannot forgive yourself? Can you truly forgive another being who might be in the same situation that you are, but not yourself? How long must others wait for you before you are able to forgive yourself? How can you truly change, if you do not allow yourself to forgive yourself and be stuck. Accept each possible outflow, as the past cannot be changed.

It might not be your perfect idea or outflow, but that doesnt mean one can not forgive oneself and change. And stand as the absoluteness of yourself as that change. So it cannot exist nomore when we are all at the same point.

It may not be easy, but find that absolute point of yourself where you are able to unconditionally forgive. Whom ever, whatever.

Forgiveness does not make the wrong right. Forgiveness is you as your own teacher realizing themselves as their student and grant them the ability to change and to stand as themselves. The point where one can stand as self-trust and move without looking back, it's dealt with, it's nomore. You are Here, start living.

2009-10-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

When a question is asked where you are specifically assisting yourself with always cover these points;

Do I cover both side of the coin and do I realize common sense?
Have I had experiences/events/emotions/thoughts linked to either one side of the coin and have I forgiven all?
Have I done corrective self-application to live as common sense?
Where do I still see points of enslavement in this thing specificly, where do I allow myself to be controlled by/with by my own standards of those of others?

The mind support us now in standing equal and one with all, use the projections and make-awares to benefit yourself within this process of self-realisation.

Pain in my occipital bones

2009-10-23T10:48:00.001-07:00

I experience making the video series a pain in the back of my head, at the occipital bones.

No very enjoyable I must say So I looked for some perspectives.

Left Mother Matrix - Right Father Matrix.

What have I been doing today? Making vids. Exposing myself like I have never really done before. I knew I had to push myself through it, because I cannot accept myself to hold in myself as sharing any longer.

I really exposed myself for the world to see me. So what has this to do with the familiy matrix?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about myself as the position i take and have within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about myself as who I am as the family I feel responsibility in and for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear losing the reputation and self-definition that I have since things are now not anymore according to how I have existed before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I attack the members of my family by creating these videos where I talked openly about my experience and shared this with the whole world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what friends might say when they will see these video's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself being in a place where I will be ridiculed or being making fun of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in a position where it really matters what others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect my secrecy about me being a desteni participant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about myself as being attractive towards female human beings within this, seeing that it is self-trust and self-worthyness that I worry about.

several dreams

2009-10-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

I was running with people and playing. We three of us, walked over a stone brick wall. We came to a point where we could not walk further. One of the being jumped to another brick-wall, and almost fell, but someone (a grown-up) supported her. I was like "Wow, I wouldnt have done that, if it werent for that person you would fell. Even kinda stupid to do it, but still, wow" I decided to cross over to the other wall a bit more cautiously. We crossed a place where we had to hang to cross over. One of the beings wasnt able to get any further. So I somehow manage to let the being sit on my stomach and with him crossed this thing over. Then a friend said: ohh Ray, I think I heard my spine crack. I looked at him, and he 'fell' in the wood, straight through his back. So he was hanging on this 'cross-over' with his back to this thing we could hold on to. I didnt say anything, but had flashes where he was crippeld. I tried to do the same as with the other being, let hem sit on me and bring him across. I woke up then.

Another dream, as there was another dream in the middle but cannot recall it.

I was somewhere in my village. There were two couches, with beings. I sat on the couch, and began 'playing' with a girl I knew. We fell down softly on the ground. And she looked strangely to me. I just wanted to be one with this person. So I tried to kiss her, she hesistate, but I made my intentions clear and we kissed. This was a person who I would never thought of to be able to kiss. As there were times we were intimate but she changed. And felt like somehow herself to be to good for me. So I was happy a bit for eventually being treated as her equal. For some reason I went to do something else, though I desperately wanted to go back, because I wanted to have sex with her too. I stood near a playfield, where people were playing baseball. One of the kids had to swing, but there were other kids who were somehow nasty to him. I looked at it to see any form of structure within that. I looked at their skinn colour, they were all black, though the boy who was 'attacked' in words was a bit more fatty. I wondered if that could be the case, why would they do something like that? I woke up.

2009-10-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Er zijn een paar punten die ik altijd aansnij in een gesprek met een being.
Deze vragen geven me altijd een indicatie op welk front ik met iemand kan praten over bepaalde dingen. Ik hou hierbij dus rekening met personen.

De eerste vraag die ik stel is: bestaat tijd?

Als het antwoord nee is, heb ik vaak geen moeite met praten of te uiten, enigsinds komt mijn moraal construct om de hoek kijken.

Wanneer het antwoord een Ja is kan ik velen discussies gaan voeren.
Ik ben er nu achter dat het hebben van discussies over dingen geen zin heeft, wanneer ze volledig volgens de richtlijnen van de mensheid leven.

Geloof-waardigheid

2009-10-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Geloofwaardigheid.

Misschien wel een van de punten voor hij of zij die zich voornamelijk toestaat om in de inferieurekant van de polariteit te staan.

Geloofwaardigheid: Het waardig zijn om geloofd te worden.

Hoe bouwen we geloofwaardigheid op?
Dmv energie - geld. Achtergrond informatie. Persoonlijke ervaringen.

In het engels is de fragiliteit heel mooi aan te geven: Het engelse woord is : credibility.
Je werkt met credits, hoe meer je vergaard, des te geloofwaardiger dat je bent.
En we weten dat de meter bij een verkeerde stap alweer op 0 staat.

Velen mensen die andere mensen proberen attent te maken van dingen zetten altijd hun geloofwaardigheid op het spel (roulette)

En de mensen die hier zelfs hun levensmissie van gemaakt hebben (obessie) zullen zien dat naarmate ze steeds vaker in conflict raken met mensen er twee dingen gebeuren: A. je vecht harder, je schreeuwt harder, en voelt de wanhoop in je opkomen waarin je er erg over nadenkt om op te geven of B. je zet je levensmissie opzij en gaat voor het behoud van je credibility. of C. Je speelt op safe, zegt zo nu en dan maar wat.

Er is een ding dat je nodig zult hebben, om te zien waar je over struikelt. Gezond verstand. Common sense. The common in both polarities.

Het verschil tussen credibility en de manier van praten vanuit geloven, meningen, overtuigingen ten opzichte van het praten van common sense = met common sense kun je niet winnen of verliezen. Het is waar. Ten alle tijden en voor iedereen.
Je gooit niets op de roulette tafel. En je gooit niet met statistieken of overtuigd mensen waarom een bepaald nummer de beste kans heeft. Je ziet het spel, en weet wat er speelt. Welke cijfers ook gespeeld worden, je woorden staan.

Je hoeft daarin niets te beschermen.
Je hoeft daarin niet gelijk te hebben.
Je hoeft niet iemand zijn ongelijkheid te bewijzen.
Het is wat het is.

Geloofwaardigheid is alleen belangrijk voor systemen. = waarde.

Zie op welke punten je je geloofwaardigheid probeerd te behouden, welke tactieken je speelt. Vergeef jezelf en laat het los.

Geloofwaardigheid = overbodig wanneer je hier bent als Self-trust.

2009-10-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

One of my primary constructs of acceptance is:

Nice/ or not nice.

As kid this was very important. I do not accept people who are not nice to me. And its the foundation of why I have constructed and worked by the inferior/superior-construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a nice/not nice-construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I work with the set of rules I have given to myself as nice/not-nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see I will blindly follow those who are nice, and reject and fight those who are not nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I blindly follow myself because I perceive myself as being nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the times and moments and the memories where in I lost character of myself as being nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been following a program of nice/not-nice, since it was the best way for myself to move myself through existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being nice, because I allow beings uncondtionally at their first interaction with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been using a fear construct of myself, created by self, to protect myself from beings who I perceive and define as not being nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been using a fear construct, because if someone was unkind/not nice to me, it meant I had to transform myself as I thought it was the world I had to amalgamate with and not myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been using the idea of 'place yourself as less' to you will never forget that your equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see who I am.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize I am equal to all, and all is equal to me.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that I live as the statement, I am equal to all, but all is more than me.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I have placed myself deliberate as less than.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am equal within this all, and all of the projection and all that my physical eyes can see, because I have been trapped within the idea of superiority/inferiority and I had to be either one of them, and not the common in the polarities.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that the energy fluctuations within my body as I experience in this moment is me as energy seeking how to place itself as and work by.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that their is nothing wrong with me, by experiencing these energies, and that the energies in itself arent positive/negative, its just how I place them, want to perceive them.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that the experience of floating energies within me, means I havent effectively direct myself as equal, and that the energies are now here because I created them to help me influence myself to walk a certain path/way.

2009-10-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

going faster.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself that I have allowed myself to desire to go faster than breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself that I have desired to go fast, not seeing that in going fast, I forget, as I am not here, as I do not see, only grasp what I want to see and damage myself in the meantime while I was not seeing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be at two places at once.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use projections of myself to create new systems of enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must use projections as pictures to be who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think in pictures, instead of seeing who I am and be.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that I am.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that I have enslaved myself as the i Am, instead of seeing the I.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that I do whatever it takes, even penetraring my own morality -construct, meaning I am and not the morality construct, but that I use morality to encaged, enslave me.

i forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that a morality-construct is a set of rules which I have given myself to work with myself in the life as seperation of myself as life.

2009-10-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I can never forget who I am, unless I allow myself to not see.
I can not forget me, as I am life and life is me.

The more you have the less effective you become.

2009-10-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

The more you have the less effective you become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the amount of events I have gone through to get here, because I wanted to measure things and because I wanted to believe I am worth more because I have done more/seen more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to measure things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to belief that I am worth more because I have done/seen more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that the desiring to measure things and the desire to believe that I am worth more because I have seen more indicates, that I want to feel special, because I havent allowed myself to realize here as self-worth, as self-certainty = Self-trust.

How I live

2009-10-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

How I live:

I live according to the words I think and speak.
Words are programs, with each their specific 'set of rules'.
These set of rules are created by myself in the course of time and understanding.
In the meantime I created an ideal set of rules. These were 'mine' in accordance to myself in and as my enviroment as my 'I do's/do not' 'I accept/I accept not' 'I will/will not' 'I agree/agree not' 'I follow/follow not' 'I listen/listen not' 'I give/I give not' 'I direct/direct not'.

This ideal set of rules to which I live by and stand as are formed through: my morality, measurement-systems, and how/who I perceive myself to be (life/SR) and my purpose/startingpoint.

Now what is fascinating about this, that when one thing change, all change. And you will live your life accordingly, BUT when your purpose/startingpoint change. All becomes invalid. As it is formed as 'who you used to be'.

Therefore SF is extensive, and you will be ashamed of seeing how you put things together. Because is the fear of being brutal self-honest not that you will see the shame within it all, how you fucked yourself?

You will not SF on things you perceive as childish or do not make sense, though the popping up of memories, sentences, sound, means there is something to it. How childish or strange or weird it may be.

That;s why the purification as words is important. To indentify the set of rules you have given yourself, and see what lies beyond.. Theirfore its common sense to say: it are not the words you have a problem with, but with the set of rules you have attached to it. As it are the sets of rules that you live, and not the word.

So Clear the startingpoint each time of SF. State who you are, and purify yourself as the words.

I am life.
I am diligence.
I am tranquility.
I am equality
I am oneness.
I am equal and one as all.

Jealousy & Possesion

2009-10-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Ok in my previous writing it became clear that I live and act as jealousy.
It wasnt a pretty picture to realize again.

You know, I came to a point in my life, and saw how jealous I was of things, but there was no use in fighting the stuff anymore or denying, or not accepting. It was clear at that point that jealousy sucks, and I have suffered a great deal of self-inflicted pain by being jealous.

Now I wasnt able to do self-forgiveness as it would be a reaction, so I went showering.
I came back and looked at some videos, obessesion and possesion.

Jealousy -> Obessesion -> Possesion.

How fucked is that..

Covering things up by anger, sadness, and you know what..

I said I was aware, but it was so prominent in my life existing and so much me... That I didnt see it. "They are jealous of me" "no they are showing me who I am" and what I have not directed. Fucking shit.

You know, it makes me so mad, that I have not lived as my realizations that I have made through these years, seeing all these things clear, as the timeloop I was in.
In all things I do I see a point of jealousy.

And yes I have directed myself as comparison, but It was never completely gone, why? Jealousy!!

I saw jealousy as an outflow from comparison.. Destroy the root, destroy the plant, sort to say. But this is not how it works... You can destroy either things, but its still there. Dimensionaly. If you know what Im getting at.

I act as if I dont live that stuff, thinking the stuff will then through "APPLICATION" Be gone. No.. First thoughts, Feelings and emotions, then through application.

I have missed a point, and therefore had to go through a time loop. And the suggestion was so subtile.. I wouldnt have seen it, when I did not said to myself: Ok, I react, WTF is going on, what is this, why is this, and how is this...

Jealousy - obsession and possesion.

You know this sucks bigtime.

This is something major in my experience. And I have to direct this, because I made the realisation earlier, I know what is best. And that sucks. Timelooping.

Een punt van wederzijds overleg

2009-10-11T03:50:00.001-07:00

Ik kreeg vandaag een PM. Het ging over een post, waarin ik eigenlijk dingen suggereerde, maar dermate al zo overtuigd was van mijn idee dat het al 'geschied' was.

Hiermee bedoel ik dat ik al zo overtuigd was van mijn idee dat het beter, en het beste voor allen is en hierna gehandeld heb zonder wederzijdse overeenstemming van een partij.

Ik had geen wederzijdse overeenkomst gemaakt omdat ik zo gehandeld heb:
1. I have an idea.
2. Im ready to realize this idea
3. is it necessary? Effective? Best for all?
4. Engage.

Punt is dat ik het gewoon gedaan heb en zoiets heb van, ok, hier heb je een totaal product, er is geen weg waar je hier om heen kan, gebruik je het niet dan geeft dat aan dat je niet handeld in het principe van wat het beste is voor allen.

Het punt waar ik nu op stuit is het volgende: angst voor afwijzing, angst dat ik zelf-verzekerd handel,maar dit afgeslagen wordt op iets dat ik niet voorzien heb, angst dat mensen zeggen wat ik wel en niet mag doen.

Het voelt in mijn ervaring, als het inhouden van jezelf, en wanneer het genoeg is, alles eruit gooien, geen rekening meer houden met de ander en gewoon zeggen. Dit is het ook met doen. Ik geef niemand meer de kans om wel of niet in te stemmen met wat ik ga doen, het is hier, pak het aan of niet.

Door de PM, werd ik in eerste instantie kwaad. "waarom val je over het niet wederzijdse instemming, wat is het probleem?" En natuurlijk zag ik ook dat ik gelijk moest geven, dat ik gehandeld heb zonder wederzijdse afstemming en misschien mensen een bot voorhield dat ze niet krijgen.

1. wij zijn met zijn alle bezig met hetzelfde ding, dus ze 'denken' net als ik. Zij zullen het begrijpen, en zij zullen het accepteren.

Dat is het voornaamste waarom ik heb gehandeld, zoals ik gehandeld heb. Zelf-vertrouwen gebasseerd op externe factoren.

Ik wilde er gewoon wat aan doen, en daarom deed ik het.

Zoals ik merk.. staar ik me blind op het schrijven op het idee en alles wat daarbij komt kijken.. en ik vergeet, ik kan niets bedenken voor het feit dat ik dit niet wederzijds overlegt heb.

Als er meer dan 1persoon(jijzelf) betrokken is in dingen, is een wederzijdse afstemming nodig. <= maar ik leef dit niet.

De juiste vraag is dan, waarom weet ik het wel, maar leef ik het niet?
1. im tired of people telling me what to do and what not.
2. I want to be god. (my law is their law, my thinking is their thinking)
3. I have a problem that I do not see, and act on this problem to somehow correct this problem, but they only thing i see is a problem, but dunno what the cause is. (what to take responsibility for)

startingpoint of the original post:
I will do this, its done, now what? (superiority camouflaged as self-confidence and as standing up)
A sense of intouchable defined as self-confidence.
It has been through a reaction of seeing ineffectivity and not understanding why things were made so 'difficult'.

Reaction = system.

Still I don't understand = I have lived and defined myself so much as being this system and working according this system, that I cannot look out of the system.

Thus = I live the opposite in reality.
But even knowing t his: I am blocked...

I looked for a video which stood out: the design of jealousy.

hmmz, this sucks..

2009-10-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

Here is I, As I am Here.

Ok what has happened today. I was thinking about being egoistic, and how things in my mind colide with eachother.

I live, what is good for them, is good for me..

I have evaluated this during the day and watch the vids about the mind, sound and another video.

Do you live the realisation of yourself I ask. If I lived the realisation of that I am them, Yes... But... Inferiority existed.

Ok lets go back to what I had to share about that.

I realized certain shit, been busy in spiritual sense and all that stuff. I took nothing really as real, but I had to prove things for myself. I came to other realisations.

The one mind, Quantum physics, the implications of perceptions as holographic.

But I had one problem...

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give in to abuse of myself.

But I had one problem...

Within that I created fear as thoughts. Why?

I found out by closely observing myself, that some thoughts do not are equal to me as that which I wanted to accept and allow. But they were coming and going and coming. And I did have a clue why or how they existed within me. Yes I had an idea. If you have seen what is real as far as you can see things, you will see the endless posibilities that are possible. Though all very smudgy, very depended on each theory and fact. But since there was noone to give comfirmation about things, I had to do what I thought to be right... Block the shit.. Trying to keep them out.. And I tried all kind of shit for that.

It became worse when I used drugs for long periods/meaning weed. Intergrating the mind as seperate from myself. I created anxiety and all kind of shit which I didnt had any control of. So it seemed.

I came to desteni and looked around. It was saying what I was actually thinking, but hey, who says this shit is real.. So I wait. Investigate. Apply.

I put all my believes and shit on hold. I said ok, if this is the real shit, I have to reevaluate everything. SO I applied lots of SF and wrote alot of stuff.

Now sharing my stuff which is rather strange, because... It wasnt so different than what I thought it was, but if I hadnt cleared myself from some shit, I was pretty fucked up, more than I am now to say self-honestly.

The realisation of myself as this point. Standing here in actual self-trust. IS by watching the SOund --the mind is you.. something popped up.

A memory.

My grandpa died, and ofcourse me as a kid, didnt know what to do else than crying. As Kid I was actually asking myself why is it necessary to die? It doesnt have to be that way.

But ok, I had to deal with it, I accepted it.. And asked myself later on.. but what would really be the case. Where does it go? He goes back to earth, and then he can come back as a plant or whatever. Though I couldnt take myself seriously at the time, because I had a lot of issues concerning not taking myself serious as I was told to be a trouble maker and stuff, though the problems I experienced were really real from my point of view. So you disregard yourself and focus on them.

Though never really giving up on myself, I later on began intensive self-reflection.. Not as in what do I do.. But it was really more a self-reevaluating. What is going on... What is there to be seen... and if you put some effort in it, you will see it all eventually. Though not seeing I was pretty F'ed allready by self-definitions and stuff.

If I hadnt dropped the shit and gave desteni a chance. I would be 'Here', as the 'now' If you know what I mean.. I see it, but miss out a realization of myself.

I aint stating I am now complete in the understanding and acceptance of myself, but it certain I am now at a point where I can say.. Ok. Startingpoint is clear. I see again what I have to do.. only... I see more of myself. Now equal. And not something obtainable as in hard work, earning the shit and stuff.

I wasnt so wrong.. I only wasnt exactly right. lol.
But nonetheless, 2 years of again intensive stuff, but now more concentrating on actual practical shit. Yes. I can see I gave myself something that I wasnt ready to consider before. Myself as equal.

And yes you might think but it has been mentioned thousands of time... Yes.. But I didnt hear (i wrote here). I wasnt here.

There is a lot I have to do now from this startingpoint. I wanted to go to SA to clear my startingpoint. But I see HEre is HERE, if I want to do shit, I can do it here. There is a lot of info. And yes maybe have to go back again and stuf, relisten, reread, rewrite, but so what.. Didnt I want to be real? Didnt I want to say: this is me!? Than there is no fuss right? Do what you have to do...

Strangly, I feel the same, only more calm, almost silent.

Great well, I will watch one more vid and off to bed.

schrijfsel

2009-10-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Verstand als Wie ik Ben.
Ik ben Verstand.

"Doe wat je verstandig lijkt" = "luister naar jezelf"

Maar waar moet je naar luisteren als er teveel shit in je zit dat je leeft dat tegen je verstand in gaat.

Waar bestaat verstandig zijn uit zoals ik dat nu leef...
Moraal.
Het herkennen en erkennen van datgene wat je bent (en gezien vanuit mezelf zijn dit emoties en gevoelens).

Verstandig zijn heeft eigenlijk niets met verstand te maken. Het is zien. En je kunt alleen dingen zijn wanneer je een duidelijk startpunt hebt. Je startpunt is alles bepalend. Correctie: wie je bent is alles bepalend, maar we hebben nu een startpunt nodig.

Om eerlijk te zijn denk ik dat ik moeite heb met definities. Dit komt omdat ik altijd een onderscheid zie: of het is egoistisch of het is een leugen.

Ik zat te denken aan, suggesties, wanneer is iets niet egoistisch en wanneer wel.

niet egoistisch = beste voor alles
egoistisch= beste voor me zelf.

Maar heel eerlijk, als het beste voor alles is, is dat ook het beste voor mezelf, en hierdoor klopt er iets niet. want doordat het niet meer in seperatie is van mezelf, ervaar ik alles als egoistisch.

ik snap dat dit een grootpunt is. omdat ik hier echt moeite mee heb.

De realisatie van mezelf als leven.

Ik ga het toch op het forum schrijven.

I fucked myself

2009-10-08T08:51:00.001-07:00

I am someone who tries.
I don't believe anything until it makes sense, or until I have tried it.

"Have you even tried?" resonates within my mcs.
I can only be depended on my own experiences, as that is real and give me the right to talk about things in and as comprehension and true understanding of the implications.

So I live as a maximizer, I dont believe, until I see with my own eyes, or own experiences. How can one enslaves himself with half the truth?

I knew about the capabilities of leaving the body. So I had to try it.
I used hypnosis and all kinds of things. I have heavily interested in brainwave entrainment, as i thought all capabilties come from and through the brain. So I need some kind of switch to realize as myself as living statement so that I can direct and have control over my body and my being(soul).

Weeks-months, I fell asleep with hemi-sync series. Because I knew, subconsciously you will take in things even when you are asleep. My body needs to understand, and all will work out accordingly. Though I remember one thing conciously, and that is the affirmation, for half a sentence.

I am more than my physical body. Because I am more than physical matter, I deeply desire to...

This is the whole affirmation:
I am more than my physical body. Because I am more than physical matter, I can perceive that which is greater than the Physical World. Therefore I deeply desire to Expand, to Experience, to Know, to Understand, to Control, to Use such greater energies and energy systems as may be beneficial and constructive to me and to those that follow me. Also I deeply desire the help and cooperation, the assistance, the understanding of those individuals whose wisdom, development and experience are equal to or greater than my own.

Right..

I found out during SF on physical experiences that I still live the idea that all I see is an illusion, and that matter doesnt matter as it isnt real.

The phrase popped up from this affirmation.

You will ask yourself a question. How fucked can I be, if I live such things existend within me. Knowing they are not true, but still I live them. Sucks right.

I decided to write about it on the forum, because it was weird, seeing these things again. And maybe some has some more perspective on this, or experiences with this.
Not that I don't know what it can imply, I might not see what I actually have to see within myself.

There are same real self-defeating statement in this story, and I see I have some things I havent considered. This story is wrote without editing. Mostly I cover up my dishonesties in writing and forgive myself as startingpoint of feeling ashamed. "I shouldve get it by now" Obviously I don't. Which isnt really nice or fun to recognize within myself. Urgh.

Well I will shower now, and let it sink in. And do SF when I have the time for it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am someone who tries.

"I am someone who tries. But I will never do things unconditionally. I have to get something out a situation. Otherwise whats the use? I am open to expansion, though I do not see how I can expand. I have learned skills which I perceive as rather useless. What is it that I am required to do, to be good enough. That you would leave me alone?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a person who tries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a person who tries, because I do things I didnt actually didnt want to do, or didnt came from self-movement initially, but still did it, and therefore I perceive myself and define myself as a person who is open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a person who tries, this because there are no consequences within trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who tries, because doing things are scary. (are must be is and that triggered the next sf)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who tries, because I fear making mistakes, and because the acts in trying are always considered less consequential than the acts of doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is trying, because I perceive making mistakes being ok when I try, but not when I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is trying, because I didnt know initially what trying is, and I found out that trying means doing things with uncertainty, so feeling uncertain makes things ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that I am a trying person rather than a person who does, because it seems that is the best way to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that I am trying, because trying is defined within and as me as 'doing' but in the principle of uncertainty, not wanting to, doing things for other people, being forced to, doing things that would actually make you mad and angry and sad but still have to do, and that's what trying is for me, and that is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that I am trying, because it feels so easy to say so, knowing deep inside I am doing, but dont really give a damn about the result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am trying, because I want to perceive myself to not give a damn about the result, so that when I fail the expectations I dont have to blame myself for getting a bad result, or that I at least tried it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depended on the excuse of 'at least I tried', because I needed protection, I didnt want to experience these emotions and feelings I experienced within me, and needed to cope with it somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself that 'at least I tried' is better than being a direct 'failure'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things direct, because I cannot cope with the direct observation that I am a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct, because I do not know how to justify things without the principle of 'trying' and 'uncertainty'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am so screwed up in my past or as child, that I cannot live anything other than my current lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am so screwed up as a child at school, that I cannot live anything other than my current lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things immediately, and to comfort myself with the idea of trying, so that I do not have to face myself as the actual startingpoint of myself, because apperently my startingpoint was 'bad', 'not good enough', 'wrong' in the first place as people forced me to try things against my will and show them my obedience, myself as obedience, though always remembering that i am not obedient, I pretend.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I hold on to the memory of being forced into doing things, so I can threat myself and hate myself and hate humanity, for me being a product of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do things, as trying is doing without actually doing it which equals within me, not doing anything, so why not sit and wait and not doing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do things, as trying is actually not doing things and are less consequential than doing things, and because I consider things only be consequential, when I feel bad, or sad or angery, because the rest do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and give into the feeling of 'the need' to return to a former state of beingness, because somewhere and somehow I believe this to be possible, thus being able to be non consequential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and relax until I found the exact way of how I can be non consequential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and relax until I can make sure that I realize what I want to do, be non consequential.

I forgive myself that I have not accept and allowed myself to want to be of no consequence and that my actions have no consequence, because I perceive consequentions as 'bad' 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see that I fear consequentions, as all the things that were in line, were good, or normal, werent ever 'named' consequentions, only those things which you rather didnt want to see or experience.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all things that go in accordance are actually consequences, but I do not perceive them as consequentions as i consider the outflow to be natural, normal, without 'consequence'.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am sensitive to sound-injections, and that I remember things as sound, and that's why I personalized words, and fucked myself up by using words, which werent in correspondence to the actually meaning of the word, and therefore felt misunderstood.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I think I comprehend texts and words through the interpretation I make by seeing the 'feelings' and emotions and thoughts that present themselves, and agree or disagree, listen or not listen, based on the information that is presented by me and in me, and that though I saw the implications of words and how they create, I didnt realize that this system is already existend since my childhood, and that I was searching and looking for word-combination as what to speak and how to speak and what words not, just because I didnt want to give people the wrong idea, because I could self-honestly say that I am influenced by the experience of the words within me and thus, this had to be the same for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'grow' tired of speaking.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'grow' tired of speaking, because in every word combination that I sought refuge, it all was so useless.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'grow' tired of speaking, because my words were useless, and I was tired of doing things that are useless, thinking all is useless, because I have not found the use in things as myself as who I am, as my startingpoint was seemingly useless too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my startingpoint is useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek purpose as my startingpoint seemed to be useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see I have 'issues/problems' with my identity, because the identity is based on the startingpoint, and I have actually never had a stable startingpoint, as I was to busy on getting the hell out of here.

I ask myself a question, is your startingpoint not really your actual purpose?

to see this as this phrase: my startingpoint has been: Just keep doing and searching untill you find what it is, what is your actual purpose.

As purpose = equal to the consequence.
As all depends on your startingpoint.
as startingpoint = purpose.

wow thus, i feel like a fuckup, and as continously trying, as that is my actual startingpoint. I am a fuck up, my startingpoint is wrong, and its out there to find. If you do things well enough, if you just keep on going, you will eventually see.
See what?? my purpose? All I create and do is depended on this startingpoint. So if i keep fucking around with myself like that, what will I see, that things are fucked up? And that things are as they are because we all see we are fuckups? And that we fucked us up so bad, that we do not even see that our startingpoint is actually saying: I am a fuck up, just fuck around a bit more, and see the complete fuckup that you are.

Where the fuck have I missed something? where the fuck.. How the fuck can I believe so much that there is actually a book or something like that that is saying: this is your startingpoint. Is this that fucking soul-construct believe thing shit god fucking shit? I feel like celebrating a bit. I see that I fucked up myself by believing in something thats is really fucked up! jeuuuj.

Ok so now what? I must drop the shit, that when I am one and equal and the world is equal, I will find my 'real purpose'. SO My startingpoint has never been , being one and equal to and as life. It has been: being one and equal to and as life, So I can actually find my purpose.. how does that make sense? I dont know I must cool down, shit doenst make sense anymore.

Demons

2009-10-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

I am now busy with a document wherein all the videos are listed and if they are transcripted.

I came acros the video: new demons

Just as before I totally reacted on a picture. I wrote a blog on that earlier where I said I totally freaked out.

I still allow myself thus to react to such presentations, its fear, and also that it came unpredictable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by fear when I perceive something as weird, not normal for my standards, and react in and as fear within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by the experience of fear, where I feel like I must run away, or defend myself by contracting my mucsles as in 'get ready to be punched'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the fear of demons, by the projections I have lived that demons are bad, and are here to kill us.haunt and taunt us, without any reason than "just because they can"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to picture representations of what a demon may or might look like, seeing the demons with me, as showing themselves just as unpredictable all of sudden as all things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear events where I might lose control over my systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be effected by the idea that I might lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by the idea that I must overcome the fear instead of seeing that fear isnt real and thus cannot be overcome, only the illusion will be dissolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, just because I havent realized myself as I am courage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the demons within me, because I perceived myself demon-free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to hide, knowing that I am demon and that I cannot run from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that demons are more than us, more than myself, because people fear demons, and I trusted their judgements and therefore fully integrated this.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that the fear for demons/ghosts/and anything unexpected is so great, that I live this in everymoment of my life, in everybreath, and to such an extent that I am in everymoment ready to flee.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I fear death, because I fear becoming a demon.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the fear of death really kicked in when I first heard of ghosts and demons, promoted as them being bad through cartoons and movies.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I fear demons, because I do not know their capabalities, knowing that in this I say, I do not know my capabalities and therefore fear myself in certain aspects which I havent realized as myself.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I feel so bad and tangled up inside because I come in contact with demons everyday, and because I do not have realized myself as demon, I fear them, I fear myself, and fear feelings and emotions which I perceived to be able to myself over, my body over, are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am less than a demon.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the courage that I wanted to be, but because I havent dared to stand as it, I allow myself to be event driven and not live as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of demons, because I couldnt comprehend that such things can exists, as life supposed to be good and wonderful, so it didnt make sense within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek situations where I can exert myself as demon, boundless, fearless, though self-destructive in nature.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as fear so that I feel nothing in certain area's of my body as they are consumed and full with energy as anxiety, nervousness, restlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must be superior to demons, as when I asked for suggestions how to deal with demons/ghosts, people said to make fun of them, inferiorize them, and thus overthrow them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive ghosts as demons as bad as evil and not as life as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a fringing sensation in and as me, continously, constantly, as If I need to drain each drop of life from the towel that I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to act on the belief that everything will sorts itself out in accordance to who I am, and that things will work out flawlessly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself demon-free, system-free, and thus let things to rest.

I must realize self as demon, to be able to stop this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear possesion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being possesed by another entity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being possessed by another entitiy, standing in the back, with no control whatsoever, no directive princple, watching it all happen, and having to take responsibility for it as it was my human physical body, but not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being possessed by another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my body will be possessed by someone else without my permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the lifestyle that I will have no directive control over my body when I would encounter a demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will easily be possesed because I perceive myself as being unstable and therefore make errors, and I fear making errors because I cannot allow my body to do things that are unacceptable.

I stand seperate from the word. I must see who I am.

being confirmed/acknowledged/accepted.

2009-10-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

being confirmed/acknowledged/accepted.

I notice something. on the left side of my face I feel a 'lump'. Today I got a Pm where i experienced myself being acknowledged. That I dont talk shit or have bad ideas or something. On the right side on the opposite of the lump sort to say I experienced a stingy pain. I thought wtf?

I felt structurally unconfirmed/unacknowledged/unaccepted. The reason of the lump.. at the temple?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself in fighting for acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for acceptance of my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regulate myself as who I am and felt unaccepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-definition of being unaccepted and therefore created an automatic control which has manifested itself physically as a lump.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-definition of the eternal seeker for accepatance and to remind me of this manifest a lump to regulate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not notice the constant stress within my temple regions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically grasp for knowlegde and wisdom to seek self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek self-acceptance through knowlegde and wisdom and not realizing me as who I am Here as the self-acceptance that i really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear lumps and cancer, as I know this is a physical sign of me not accepting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have a issue with myself as self-acceptance, knowing this is not possible if I am here as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite and never let go once I found a self-definition that absolutely made sense as knowledge and wisdom and as the limitation that I allow myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself on being accepted that I knew I even had to accepted the bullshit within myself to be able to be the self-acceptance that I am, not seeing what I depended or relied on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of a drill, drilling a hole in my right temple to undo myself from the stress and pressure I perceive to be existend within me, accepting this as who I am as life, not seeing I accepted myself as program and live this entirely without even reevaluating the sense and nonsense of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I created lumps and stand as the acceptance of this as I need automatics in my lifestyle of being the balancing point of existence waiting till I got a green card and was permitted to actually play an active role instead of standing on the sideline, coaching, seeing, desiring to experience myself as who I truley am.

2009-10-04T04:44:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the idea that I must be someone else when I am alone and when I am with people, this designed through a program called decency, infeririority, competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I first must work my way through consciousness, as in solving consciousness first, and then step out the door and do my thing uncondtionally, which is the most ultimate self-deceit, as this can not be done, as I create an inner conflict as I am here, but am also there to pave the way, and then wanting to be back at here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have participated within an ultimate's self-rightious protective cocoon of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am using the mcs as a protective cocoon to hide myself within, as I thought I was able to birth myself as life from the cocoon of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am using the mcs as a cocoon where I first must heal myself, as I feel hurt and kicked in, using my phsyical experience of not being able to breath without pain, without the freedom of myself, without the mindfog.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I do think I am not me, because I do not generate and rely on the emotions as much as I believed myself to do so to be able to become real.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I feel divided, because the living experience of myself is seperation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as fear, and therefore feel like I must contain and restrict myself as breathing as I see the breathing experience is not without resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must deliver, and therefore feel like I must perform and put tension on my liver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have ingrained the belief of having to deliver that the strain I feel on my liver compromises the body's experience of equality and oneness, as I put so much effort in it to deliver, instead of being here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not having to see the strain on my liver, as I perceived myself to be here, though I was in my mcs protective cocoon, to work myself to here, and therefore pust myself as my body, straining it, so physical pain must occor to make me aware that something isnt right in my application.

dreams

2009-10-04T04:07:00.000-07:00

I had several dreams yesterday..

I saw my cat. But I knew it was 'dead', the picture was fainted at the understanding it was not real. Then I slumbered a bit further. it felt like I was holding my 'dead' dog really tight, and that it left me. I felt him walking away from my arms. I said: "no stay here" I didnt want him to leave, but it was ok because I knew i cannot hold something against his will.

At night I went to bed. I had a dream about a game I played with a friend. He wasnt online first and later I saw him sayings omething sarcatic. I replied but he didnt answer. Then I saw that the clan we were in, was somehow dissolved. I remanaged the clan. Which left me 'standing there' feeling awkward as in to: why did you do that? - anger -not understanding.
Then I dreamed I was with a friend, in his house, I needed t o change clothes or something. Outside was a car and he it looked like trouble. He said to me, don't go outside, the neighbor is furious. I was standing there without a shirt. I want to go outside. Fuck-warnings. Fuck-your neighbor. But it was his house, so I walked according to his rules, as i didnt want him to get into trouble. Though he still got into trouble because ofthe house he lived in, it wasnt intended to be lived in or something. I woke up. Remaining here as I am. as the breath. No analyzing, though I had to stop myself several times. No knowledge and information. No more.

What is self-expression

2009-10-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

What is self-expression, when expression is defined according to a certain projection of outcome? It is still living knowledge and information.

I don;t live.

How much can one things be in your face without even seeing it?

What opened this insight was the phrase: People who live knowledge and information do that to hide their fear.

The problem in this world is the belief that one has to be prepared for what to come, to be able to survive. This will be so much ingrained in the living statement of yourself when consciousness kicks in.

What to do when you have many questions and there are no answers to it that really make sense?

What to do when childeren have to think that understanding will come with age, striving to be old fast, so they at least can understand the shit which hasnt been explained properly?

the belief that one is more 'able ' to survive when they know the answer to the question, can only be justified within the belief that knowledge is power.
Sucks right? if you had told me this earlier i wouldve laughed in your face.

How can one not want to know everything when their life is not working or see so much suffering around them that it is not justified by any means possible, perceiveable with a child's heart. So you need reasons, you need answers, you need justifications to at least make it all a bit to your liking.

Yes to your liking, as how can you justify seeing yourself as disposable, when everyone thinks they are so fucking special. I am you, therefore I am special.

How can one not want to live knowledge and information when you have problems and people come with all kinds of wise words and heuristics that dont make sense. You have to figure it out, what is there to understand? They know something, otherwise why would they perceive their lives to be so ultimate?

You can ask yourself all kind of questions to dwell on to this for so long as I have. As I see that all that I have defined as I is not me. It is I waiting, hoping, wishing.

I had to laugh when people said, dont quit school, youre so smart! Why do I feel like a fucking retard who knows it all, but nothing works out they way it SHOULD be. But how must it be? It is the projections that I lived, nt me here. I Here is worthless, there is nothing new I can tell you when you look, if you consider all. There is nothing here but a kid waiting on guidance. There is nothing here but a child waiting till he again may play outside, not daring to leave the house because of all the indecent things that you will do as it is not 'proper' for one with such age to behave the way it does.

What does it mean to be Mature?
It is not living knowledge and information.
It is not reaching a certain age.
It is not have such a high level of justifications so you can only care about yourself.
It is not at the age of 18.
It is not at the age of 24.
It is not at the age of 30.

Mature is what?

So what is self-expression as maturity? What is self-expression when its even predefined?

My dad: 1

2009-10-03T01:02:00.000-07:00

yesterday we heard that my dad had only a couple of months to live.
They detected tumors in his head. I was first, silent..

After a few minutes I had to cry.. it was so unfair to my idea.
First I thought he got a second chance after the removal of part of his lung.
I thought: this is the time life shows you that you must ease down, live.

This has been a year or so. Then he came back from vacation with serious headaches.
Headaches, suppresion, startingpoint. I said, you thinking to much. But the head aches stayed. "why don't you listen? i asked myself" "I give you serious advice" I grew angry, shape up, isnt that what we were supposed to do?

I have been learned two ways to view: or one shapes up, or one is messing around. And I had this struggle within me, because of the messing around I perceived myself to do, while taking a real effort to shape up. I was to the end of my advice, I didnt know what to do. He will see that the advice I gave him will come in handy someday.

I later saw that you can only advice those who ask for help for explanation. but I couldnt SEE.

Now this is the hand at matter. I cried extensively.

From cultural perspective, we indonesians, stick to eachother as glue in the times we need people. At least, those who can 'shallow their pride'. My sis was there yesterday, it had been several years that we had such intense contact. I was glad she was here, because I couldnt take it all on by myself.

Half of the family came along, and we cried. Tears for ourselves. Tears of not understanding. Tears of hopelessness/helplessness.

My dad said: you know, one part of me accepts this, the other not. Because I cant understand how this can be. Noone can tell me, this is where you have made the wrong move. This is why. And noone could tell me in time.

Faith, learned customs, what a joke...

It made me worry about all the people in my direct environment, will they be ok?

I worried about myself, will I be stable?

I went to bed... puzzled though understanding the harshness of the process.

I woke up, asking myself, where am I, who am I, searching to program myself in my current setting i am placed in.

"get used to it" each day, each moment, we take for granted all things. Building our future on the present which is really the past.

After I had put my dog into sleep, I had a hard time, letting go. Getting 'used' to live without him, without someone to cuddle, without someone to turn to. I see now. Each moment is new and dies in the same moment. I see the programs of the past influencing your daily experience yourself. I saw it before, but not in the extent of what I see now.

I breathe. Accepting, letting go.

It makes you wonder doesn't it... Figuring things out, seeing only later what you missed. It will be hard no doubt. And maybe I can not understand it at this time. I breathe, here, letting go, and embrace the next moment. Conditional yes, until it's all embraced.

The ignoring of self-help.

2009-10-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

Im in a situation where my family is falling apart. My dad has been diagnosed with lungcancer, and after the removal of half lung, I thought all would be cool. That he had been giving a second chance in and as life. I tried to come to his aid in needs.
He suffered severe headaches the last couple of days, and the suspection is that he has a brain tumor.

I blamed myself for being so hard on him in regards to this. I didnt consider, because I didnt want to see such an event. I fear for my own life in regards to this, what if he will not be here anymore.

I cried, and I asked myself, why do the good and honest people have to die?
Though they have lived in and as a system, I cannot justify anywhere why those who tried to keep on to their innosence have to suffer for this all.

I cannot see his responsibility, and thus I blame myself. It is I who has feared such manifestations. It is I who has participated in this.

And though I am stopping myself, it does not justify the actions and consequence already being manifested. I keep remaining standing as fear, having no indication really if I stopped any of the systems within myself.

Fear is the fear of loss. = death. To lose the fear of losing something, that thing must already been lost. Then its when the fear is away and you deal with yourself accordingly. It all comes back at my, I have not stopped the fear of death.

Though I seem somewhat desensitized, I see the thoughts I had all of my life still being a live within and as the system.

I keep myself from my imaginary things. But they pop up. SF worked. Though not for this issue.

I do think, I see what has to be done.

I cannot let imagination be my god. I cannot move myself continously according to my imagnation.

Fuck this shit.

Don;t I see I feel guilty towards myself because I fear?
DOn't I see I feel regret towards the things I do, because they are influenced by fear?
Don;t I see I hold on to definitions of myself as who I ought to be, never really seeing who I am as all in influenced by fear?
Don't I see that I hold on to fear of death, because I have given things value?
Don;t I see that I hold on to the fear of death, because my identity has been based on my ability to predict, to see, integrate and predict?
Don't I see that I hold on to the fear of death, because I don't know what to do when I let go of the idea that I can predict everything?

Diary of thought: "I feel restricted"

2009-10-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

As previous thougths show me something structural. "I am not allowed", anyone can but me. Has a very bad-ass taste to it too. I transformed this emotion attached to it, from anger, to hopeless, to doubtful, to accepting, to agreeing, to specialness.
"obviously I am not meant to figure it out but its clear to see that I am not allowed to be THAT change, but I will hold on to it, and prove my worth, if only for myself as I can look myself straight in the eye and say, I know you tried"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel restricted within and as the breath, because each moment I have used to validate myself according to my references and used as a mean to 'get better' 'heal myself' 'liberate myself from my temple of doom'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a need in restricting others, as I want to force upon them what I have accepted and allowed myself to be restricted as, though justifying this by really believing its ok, because this reduce the suffer they will do unto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel locked up in my body, as I do not experience myself to be able to move freely within my body, as the breath, as expression, as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to be a saviour, as I was looking for ways to save myself from my temple of doom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think something is wrong with my body or that my body is inferior, because it seemed as only I and a few others felt so restricted by what we expereince within ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use direct inconveniences to my own liking as justifying or doing what I feel I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of fighting for my freedom of being, because within that I aint able to see that I allow myself still to be controlled by thoughts, believes and emotions as reference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination on purpose to keep myself contained in my current set of believes, manifesting ideas and pictures of who I am not or what I am and using these experienced emotions, feelings and picture as reference to deal with myself accordingly, knowing I have used this ability to fuck with myself and still doing it, and thus is unacceptable as all I produce is fear, inequality, restriction, helplessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own creative powers as thought, imagenation, as I see only ways to compromise myself even further in the act of things being knowingly futile from some perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my imagenation as I not understood what was the direct power of these thoughts, as pictures, feelings and emotions, knowing it is me as base, as directive principle, accepting such ability to see only survival, struggle and a way to see and how to fight resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagenation as a mean to break free from my restriction, knowing I seek ways out to these restriction, and therefore created fear for diseases and sickness, as I saw these as very restrictive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as creator as I do not see how to create within myself without fear, as all I seem to do is wishing myself more dead when I perceive this thoughts to be real.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I fear my willingness to stand equal to and as all things, as I fear creating consequences due to the ununderstanding of myself, and the fear that I will be punished if I stand equal to something.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I manifest myself as the idea of being weak, because I have continously participating in ideas and imagination, getting a glimpse of my creative powers as thought as polarity, and fucked up myself and others due to the un understanding of the law of my being.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I feel restricted, because I did not see how to stop.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I feel restricted, because I didnt know about how to direct myself in stopping this, as I seperate myself from myself as life.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that diffusing systems is just as painful as infusing systems, and therefore go in direct fear when I experience pain in my physical body, as I didnt see pain as support, but saw pain as a mean to be restricted, to obey to, and to understand and not ask questions.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself that I have restricted myself as the breath, because of the systems that are infused within and as me and which noone could directly see or observe.

I forgive myself that I haven;t accepted and allowed myself that these uncontrolled spasms of myself as the body is myself showing my restriction of expressions as I forcefully push myself to be stiff, quick in fleeing, fearful, self-doubting.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself that my posture support my self image of being weak and defeated.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that my posture and the way I feel support my self image of being weak, being defeated, being miserable, being unable to stand, as I feel myself forced down to my knees and on the verge of submitting as all I experience in myself is defeat is weakness in collision with my true understanding of myself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that in order to stand one and equal to all, I as self-defintion will be nomore, no more ray, no more reginald, as that is who I defined myself to be according to my pre programmed existence.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself not to see that I behave to my dominant program of personality, because I did not understood what was real and what not, seeing that I must lose it all, to see who I am, here, as who I am truley am, without the referene of pictures, emotions, feeling, thoughts, experiences, wished, desires and so on.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself that a lot of thoughts exist, because i do not allow myself to stand as ignorance, and that the situation must be corrected in alignment in equality and oneness as life.

Diary of Thought: "I have projections about leaving my body"

2009-10-01T19:22:00.001-07:00

I have projections about leaving my body.
Before coming to desteni I have tried to realize myself as being a dimensional traveler. To use it for my own convenience, not leaving my bed, but still being at college for example. To check on people. To establish myself as self-trust. To let go of the fear of death. To be able to speak as certainty, as living expression. Though seeing I only tried to accomplish this through projections, vivid imaginary, as I was to afraid to not being able to return to my body, as I feel already being here because I 'broke' the rules. And that I have been placed here as a deliberate act of suffering, as I imagined this as being a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the idea that sunette is special/different is somekind of way, because she did what I wasn;t allowed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the idea that sunette is special/different, because she managed to do what I deeply desired to express and wanted to allow myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that leaving the body through the mind would be satisfactory for me to see self-trust and to be able to forfill my desire to found out wtf was actually going on here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anyone can do it,except me, what is in direct conflict with my living statement as, if i can do it, so can you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that anyone can do it,except me, because I wasn't allowed to do such things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget where this deeply ingrained belief comes from that I am excluded, that I am the one who isnt allowed to do anything I deeply desired and know could be established as myself if I only was allowed....

Diary of Thoughts: "But I am a portal 'too'"

2009-10-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

"But I am a portal 'too'"

I perceive myself still as being seperate from the whole. I indicate to myself that I do not allow myself to make someone special because of their ability, though its an ability I havent realized as myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the portal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from sunette as she is the mirror of the expression which I havent realized as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate seperate myself from the portal, as that in itself justifies the existence of myself as being a mcs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and within myself when I see expressions which I havent realized as myself, and therefore deliberate seperate beings from myself to justify the anger and blame towards myself, as I have not seen the full measure of myself as standing as myself as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am less than who I actually am, because I see, but not be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think things that I know I am, but in the expression of myself is not, and thus growing angry at myself, because I realize I cannot allow such a thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the portal as I allow myself to feel helpless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the portal as I have not realized and manifested myself as true self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the portal as I have not realized and manifested myself as true and real self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the portal as I have allowed myself to feel excluded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the portal as I havent allowed myself to let go of the self-definition of being excluded.

Sabotizing

2009-09-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

Maite wrote about a SRA session.

This brought up a familiar point with deliberately sabotising oneself to not face the things or 'wanting things to be the way they think it is/should be'. Hiding/Fear, this sabotising is the main issue as there is no trust in testing myself. I will right a blog to stop this. Thanks.

I have been using BodyFeedback in the past, but stopped doing it, because I couldnt trust the answers anymore I was getting. As this feedback was focused on integrating (standing one and equal to emotion) and nothing more than that.

It sucked bigtime not being able to trust yourself in the application of yourself. Also it sucked to see the same things over and over again. I couldnt trust my input, a trustworthy input(startingpoint) to be able to stand equal to the output(consequence).

When I read the SRA-post of maite, I was imagining the following:
Having one day in the week with Ingrid or Jorn doing SRA. I was imagining disenging systems and being clear. I saw myself asking: Is this enough for today.. And I let myself sabotize the session if I didnt feel like to continue. Being tired of it, not wanting anymore.

It's the same feeling I experience now, Im working on a spreadsheet with Anna in regards to fileing all video's with the transcriptions and if there are videotexts available in the box next to it. It's repeating the same step over and over. I begin to become bored. I feel tension in my wings, Right side. Limitation.

This is an overall experience of myself when I engange myself in doing things, work, school, research, writing documents or whatever. I have been influenced by this ALL of my life. I feel miserable because of it, because there is a innerconflict. Seeing the necessarity to do it, but not finding any motivation (energy) to keep on doing it.

I hated myself for this. And I hid myself behind all kinds of justifications, because I want able to really do something about it. Everytime I experienced this 'moment' I went like: Fuck!! Not again. Anger, Frustration with myself. Projections were made instantly how to defend myself towards other beings for not being able to continue doing, what I had to do. The losing of an "positive attitude".

Yes, how can I trust myself as I continue as this?

But I don't see the cause, I don't see how to stop. Even though knowing its a system. Its structural.

I begin to experience pain in my shoulders, weight, responsibility.

The words that come to me in my consciousmind stays the same: it sucks, it sucks, it sucks... Over and over again. I look deeper: I don't want to. I look deeper: I can't do anything right.

I breathe.

I experience a pain in my right ear. Hear. Listening, obeying.

I'm stuck as thought. The moment is here to SF.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can't do anything right, because I do not obey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can not do anything right, because I must obey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can not do anything right, because I won't obey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the construct of wrong and right, where I have defined the word obeying/obedience as right as definition, though wrong/bad as experience as I have defined that through a morality-construct, and therefore I am fighting within myself as I as the systems I participate in and as, are not aligned and are not resonating with eachother, resulting in an inner-strugle as different energies are 'available' to which I think I must obey to. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must obey to the energies I experience within myself as I have defined energy as my life-source, and as the source of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must obey to the energies that exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must obey and behave accordingly to the experienced energies within me/myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must obey to anything or anyone, such as people, such as energy, because I have defined obeying as positive, right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must obey and behave accordingly to each energy I experience, and see who I am as the one standing in the middle and act and behave as the balancing point of each and every energy that I consciously or unconsciously experience/perceive/see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I listen to energies, which I have defined as myself as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I listen to thoughts and energy, because I talk in my mind, and do not see whether thing are me or me as energy/mcs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I get what I give.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that I talk in the mind, to receive the energy corresponding to the energy I seek/want to explore/ want to perceive, by talking in the mind as it has me thinking that talking in the mind is more smart to do, than talking outloud, as sound is not allowed in classrooms or late at night, or within playing, thought silent energy is and because I wanted to do the good thing, I trapped myself in believing that what I did was right, caring about myself as others, and standing up for myself as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that each time I talk in the mind, I receive the energy that I ask for, as I participate as energy = thus energy I receive.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I communicate as energy, because that is the only way "i perceive" and know how to do to be able to find out what is existend within me, knowing that in continueing participating within and as this, I enslave myself to my mcs as who I am as energy, and predefined programs, memories and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to trust myself that I can work this thing out in and as sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I cannot SEE directly, as all i wanted to see was an energy response and thus i could never see directly, though I could see deep within the energies I participated in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that i participate here in the construct of blaming, as I blame myself for what I have been participating in and as , without seeing what i am actually doing, and just took it for granted, accepted it as the way life is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as speech as sound with its foundation as energy as the mind, as there was no way within me to accept or to defend myself where things flow from if it is not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as energy as speaking only when I find and resonate with the appropriate energy, thats fits with the energy I want to send or receive and thus wait for the mind to dictate me and I just speak the words that come to my mind as it fit's that what I have learned myself and accept myself to do and behave as and be depended on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with myself only as energy as I could not explain to other where things came from when I spoke as a child, perceiving this as the mind and therefore accepted myself as the mind as all I was able to do was to communicate as energy.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to trust myself here as who I am as sound, as I let myself dictated through the mind saying: you are fucking with yourself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that there is a direct link/relation within and as me that I live, where I communicate within myself as energy, as I see that I continuously exploring myself my mind, as scanning, searching waiting, on actually 'output' that I experience as 'input'.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am actually waiting on the output for the mind to use as perceived input to work on myself, not seeing it is me who 'requested' the info/knowledge.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see how I am really communicating with myself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the actual initiator of the things that come to my mind, but because I havent allowed myself to see what I am actually doing as it here been here since birth I accepted it as the way things is, are and must be used as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desparate as the direction I give as self-expression, because I have defined all my expressions through and as energy.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am really good at camouflaging my actions, and that I a the master as and in disguise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am the director and that I create through and as the mind only, and that I must first state: Lift up my arm, before my arm islifted up, which is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear in letting go of my current belief set, seeing that it are all based on factual lies, and it doesnt compare in anyway to who I am as the onconditional being that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I first must state things in my mind to do things, not seeing how to stop this as myself though even seeing this being a mind fuck, because I do not see how I am actually communicating as automatics, thus do not see the monomatic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I sit and wait for input from the mind to move myself as the mind, as that is how I perceived and 'experienced' living, which has all been the lie from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the idea that I am directed by the mind and that this will never change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to seethat I am here in fact the directive principle, but somehow do not see all the implications of what I participate in.

Fainting

2009-09-27T06:10:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my dad had a state of panic. He didnt felt himself quite well. He suffer from severe headaches for almost a week. I suggested that he write. Though I have not seen him do this.

I looked up again the perspective on headaches. Suppressed/emotions/thoughts/self one weak before. I asked him, and he said immediately no. I laughed and said, just look at it, and when you find a point write about it. He also yawns continously throughout the day, so this makes it even more likely.

But yesterday we went to an anniversary from my nephew. I stood up at 01 pm, because my dad said he wanted to go at 02 pm the day before. I showered, went downstairs. And he was sleeping again. I woke him up, and he said that someone else would pick him up. I was angry with him. Because, I had to consider him wants and needs, though leaving me totally out of the picture, making new appointments with other people. I got angry because of that though not seeing a word about it. So fed up with the situation, I begin to try and fix my headset. I broke it per accident. But I couldnt find any tin or grease to use. I got even madder. Then I saw my dad feeding the fish, and I asked him, why he made such an appointment and when they will pick him up. He said in a irritated way that they will pick him up at four, and that he doesnt comprehend the way people make these appointments. I said: ok shall we call them off, so we can go, because I thought we were meant to go by the two of us? He said: oh I didnt know that. Though I told/asked him it the day earlier! So I called off the peeps, and went to the aniverssary.

I havent ate so I asked for something to eat. My dad was really 'sick' and suffered from hyperventilation, so someone took him outside to walk a bit with. I felt that I was becoming 'ill' as well. I didn't spoke much. And I felt that I better just went home. But I couldnt, we were just there for like 10 minutes. Then I sat down, not focussing on this feeling, then I looked at my dad. And he was looking at me, with big eyes, and said, I don;t feel well!. It was like he was asking me to help him. But I didnt know what to do. I said, what do you want to do? lay down or go home? My uncle decided for him that he should lay down, and so we brought him upstairs. But in that moment I had this fainting feeling, like i wanted to pass out, with this intense amount of wanting to cry, well I had to cry but suppressed it. Because i didnt want to look as a sissy or something. I was really unwell by observingf my dad this way and this 'i dont know what to do!! - experience'.

I beared with me, walking around, making it look that I was preoccupied with my dad, though really wanted not to give in this fainting experience. After twenty minutes we went home, and I had to breath heavily to regain focus at times. When I was back home, all was well again.

This fainting has been here for like 2 years now. And the last year it hasgotten worse. It is especially when I do things I don't want to do, but still doing it. It is especially around beings (more than 2).

The first year in psychology, I was occupied with severe panicattacks at school. Always being focused on, when will it happen again. I was still using drugs(weed) and I suffered from these attacks on almost everyday base, so it seemed. When I used drugs, it got worse, because I felt all things in my body move. Clicks, and pops in my head, my heart pounding or feeling like I didnt feel anything at all. I have been sitting upstraight in bed in several nights, waiting for death to strike.
I even typed a goodbye note. It is the ultimate, i dont know what to do-experience.

I decided to stop using drugs, as it was worse during the use (been a daily user for like 5/6 years in a row) so I knew about the altered biology it may brings, and accused the drugs for making me feel this way. "Im too sensitive to use that stuff anymore"
The year next. I had these fainting experiences. I was already on desteni, to give myself some direction. But it seems i have never been able to stop this. I used my dad's illness to not go to school, because really, I didnt want to go there, because it was so slow, and also, because after an hour, I didn't feel myself quite right anymore. So I wanted to stay home, prevent the fainting experience, and justify it with me having pride, talking shit about school, not to mention that I am just scared of this fainting experience that mostly happens when I am around other beings.

I don't know quite well what to do about it.
I know I cant go on, because these justicfications are fairly easy made, without me actually seeing what is going on, using my past experience to justify actions im doing now. But it really uncool. What would happen if I were to say: Yeah sorry, I get ill when I am around more than 2/3 beings at the time. They will never agree on that on school, and I didnt want to talk to anyone on this. I knew their solutions was on focusing on other things, instead of seeing the real problem and make myself stop this. Because I don't know quite what to do.

I have thought about several things:

Its because im sensitive to all the energies that surrounds me, influencing me. (I used this to develop my empathic-sense, wanting to understand people, placing me on their exact level)
I'm affraid of beings. Group pressure etc.
I'm afraid to go outside. Not really true, because it is the perception about having to interact with being and feeling this way again.

This is a word I must explore: sensitive

I have been looking for some perspective on fainting-experiences. And it is my body signaling me, that I still allow myself to be influenced and directed by the experience within my body... errr yes, but that means... I have to drop all the experiences that I perceive as trustworthy. That means, Im not me anymore. That means people will see a difference. That means, i dont know 'who I am' anymore! But ok, if thats all bullshit, ok, I breath in the new me, and let go of the old.

I have been translating an article that day about: sneaky thoughts in the yawn. These sneaky thoughts I ignored. because I perceived these also as my 'higher consciousness'.

Ok if thats not true, I cant allow them to direct me.

How strange it is to see these things, while reading about it time after time, and still accepting the system as it is, not seeing how more deep the stuff is.

I will write about it on the forum, to give some perspective, I have not worked it out. But I will do that.

I went to sleep, and had a dream about I. I havent seen her now for more than a half year. It bothers me. I miss her. I was checking out the invitation on a door about a Gala, a dancegala, and the dresscode was gray. But I didnt have that.
So I went inside and asked if the dresscode was that strict, because I have only black. The old woman said to me, "because it's you, we dont make any problems about it" We laughed, and I looked outside. I saw I. standing there with people after having some drinks with them, talking about dancing, and showing some steps as if she was explaining t hem to her new partner. I didnt mind that, but I was a bit of jealous. Then I saw she spotted me standing there. And as soon as I walked out of the door. She quickly said goodbye. and took off. I went running to her, as she ran as fast as she could. I was saying: hold up, hold up. She said no and continue to run. I don't want to talk to you! I said: but I have to talk to you! And I didnt give in, and continue to chase her. She eventually stopped and said she didnt want tospeak to me again, because i used "jabber" Dont know what it is, to spy on her through her webcam. I didnt know what she was talking about for real, but in my dream I understood what she said. I said, wtf, yeah I have looked at you, you know when you were behind the computer and I used it to help you (remote assistance) and then turned the cam on, with you knowing about it, thats what you talking about! Wtf are u holding a grudge onto me for? She was 'stumbled' and didnt know what to say. Because in her reaction she knew about it being true.

It made me think about the way I compromised people their privacy, by invading things that ought to be private. And the starting point of that was, jealousy, seeing if people lie to me, if they are trust worthy behind me back. If they are consistent. If they are real. If I could really trust them.

SO from a moral perspective: it wasnt right for me to do - I was bad
from a introspective view: i am not trustworthy
From a commonsense-perspective: why get angry about such things, if you have nothing to hide?

I. represents trust in my dream, and my reflective mirror of what I allow. It still shows my current relation I have with her.

it shows point of jealousy/trust/hiding things (deliberate deceit).

whats worth mentioning is that I know I can only find the real self as non compromise, meaning: me as the extremity in all things, and change that. as compromise is me as the justification i have already accepted and allowed myself to live as, as personality. The real self is to be seen in the extemity of yourself. There is the change. So I am thankful for showing this to my self, though it gives a lot to work on in this moment. Both fainting/sensitivity/the accepted nature of voices or thoughts/jealousy/trust/hiding things.

I ask myself now: Where to begin? And I begin on top.

free will is fucking with me

2009-09-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today Bernard wrote: Give up free will.

I havent considered this really. I knew about not having a free-will, though to be honest, no-one seemed to have free-will except me. When I look at it it was always me vs the rest. It looked like I was different. Free-will.. WTF?

I will wrote SF and see what comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think I am better than anyone else, because I have free-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think that I am someone better, because I have free-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have free-will because I have put things together which is really common to see for people who have been walking the same path and have been interested to find out what is going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have free-will because I experience myself as fighting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think freedom is to be found within all, when everyone has realized there free-will as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think i'm superior because I perceived myself to be the only one with free-will in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think i'm superior, because it seemed that I was the only one who had some kind of free-will, knowing this was made by the experience of myself towards and within my environment where everyone did what they were supposed to do, 'shut up and die'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am special, because I perceived myself to be the only one with 'real free-will'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am special, because people want to be special, but somewhere within me, I didn't want to be special, because 'who am I'?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold to the believe that I have had free-will, because it is so much part of my belief-system that it seems odd to give it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am greater than life, because I didnt had a clue what life was, except the intepretations I had through and in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the idea of free-will, because that would make all the blame towards others, all the deliberate hurting by others, all the things I regret, different from the perspective, that I think I have no responsibility whatsoever in those situations, or beings had no responsibility whatsoever and this I cannot except for some reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to let go of the principle of free-will, because I cannot see through my decisionmaking, how it is not I that has done it, maybe not all as free-choice but allot is, from my perspective.

"how can what I wanted to achieve and see in this world be wrong?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have a free-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to blame knowing that in existing in and as emotions, certainly self-directiveness is not the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to give up free-will because of the similiarity between free-will and self-directiveness.

just something allong the way

2009-09-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

The headaches of my father.

My father has severe headaches, has to yawn a lot.
It doesnt feel good that I cant do anything about it.

He rejects any help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up by the idea of not making it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am pathetic, because I have became sick and not them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into the system of self-pity, because I feel lost because I have lost all perspective as my only perspective was to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to moan, even though I know other people cant help me in my process as much as I wouldve liked it too.

I forgive myself that I h ave accepted and allowed myself to believe that other people hate me for being the way I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the believe that god will be saving me knowing he has let me down all of my life, and now when I need him the most he is not Here, and therefore I cannot cope with all the turmoil that is within me, because I have no easy way to clear things up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I have spent all my time wasting on things that havent been real in the first place, but a made belief by all that I wouldve like to see in the simpleness that I require.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject any help from others in how to deal with my life, because I cannot face the fact that I have been screwed by myself and have allowed myself to be screwed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I shouldnt be here, because I feel as if I am a burden to everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am a burden to everyone, because I have not been the example to my kids and to other people as much as I wouldve liked it too in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have not taken any responsibility, knowing that I have taken responsibility as much as I have made myself believe that is my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think its a shame that I have a son who isnt happy as I hoped he would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely, even though I have learned myself to believe there is always someone with me, though I dont feel a think in my time where I perceive myself in absolute need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desperately desire to be in the arms of someone who can make it all ok, even knowing there aint such a thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other people what they have to say about me, my family, or the ones I have responsibility with or to.

I forgive myself t hat I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was a better father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could do things over and then be a better father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I should be ashamed for me calling myself a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I shouldve been a more better father to my kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am a bad father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I should be ashamed for being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I should be as my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for who I am today here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic when I think that I should be myself in the way I really think and how I want to live my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I shouldnt have been married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I shoudnt have been married because I feel the urges to have sex with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate other systems instead of trancending the systems as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my son hates me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that maybe I should die, so people are better of, because I allowed myself to believe that there is no place for the sick, as I have always looked down on them, or looked down on people who were different than my ideal picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslf to fear being direct and clear, because I perceive that as being rude and not as it should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashmed for myself knowing that it is not justified in anyway to live as this any further, because its my life and I have to right to be me in self-honesty and equality to all as one.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te willen dat mensen rekening met me houden, maar aan de andere kant dit wel heel erg waardeer.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te willen dat ik mijn leven anders had ingericht, wetende dat ik weer hier zal eindigen omdat ik mezelf niet toe sta om van mezelfte leren.

Why do I believe I can change the past?

2009-09-21T04:30:00.000-07:00

Why do I believe that I can change the past?

I found out that I live this belief, and that I have not been letting it go, because it is so much part of me, that it feels like it is real.

I see that in believing this, I can hold on to things, but it is this believe that is holding things in place.

I feel like I am living in the past. Could this be the opening?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the believe that I have been sent back in time, to make things work out ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time to make things ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time as a punishment to experience my ownn dumbness and inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time to be punished for things I have done that I believe to be due to a karmic debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time to show people what I can do as this has been done to teach me a lesson.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time, to get a piece of my own medicine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time, to shut my big mouth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time, because all that I experienced seemed so different than what it is supposed to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time, because I felt so alone in what I was experiencing and nobody seemed to remember or recognize what it is that we should be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the possibility that I have been sent back in time, and that therefore I must become the initiator of a world movement that brings us all together, united as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the option that I may have been sent here through time, to sort out humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the option that I may have been sent back into time, to take on this one mans job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the option that I may have been sent back into time, and that I soon will here, if I fucked up or did what I could do, and that things will go back to normal as it should be, and thus also my real expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to rule out the option that I might wake up in the next moment, as I realized it was all unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself living in a dream of which I do not seem to be able to wake up from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself to be living in a dream, because I cannot really say whats real anymore within my experience, thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself to be living in a dream, because I have this feeling this cannot all be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself to be living in a dream, and thus I do not have to take self-responsibility, as it is just a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself to be in a dream, because I dont want this experience of pain and agony that I cannot break loose from to be something real, as it feels like an upbuilding terror, absolute horror, the ultimate experience of where you do not want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself to be living in a dream, because therein I can hide myself from this terror and absolute horror that I experience within myself, not daring to bring it to the surface as it is nothing I wished for others to experience themselves within, and thus not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somewhere desire to experience this terror that I experience, because I cannot evuluate if this terror is real or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somewhere desire to experience this terror, because it feels like the only real thing here in this moment of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as I have protected myself from this terror, as I am preparing myself for the final blow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as I am again in the position where I have to stand in the final blow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from this feeling of the final blow, because I dont want to believe such a thing, as it seems as if I am making it all up, that I am believing what I want to believe, and nobody acknowledge it in my direct enviroment that this experince is existend within themselves.

optimizing yourself as the now or as the here

2009-09-21T03:28:00.001-07:00

Opti=option
mi=my
z=seems somewhat as a change, reverting the positive to negative or the other way around as in a transistor, but really smooth.
ing=being

I like optimizing. In every situation or in every aspect of myself I try and optimize myself, the acts or the process. This is prominent in my existence.

It started with computer, seeing how to optimize their process. Getting the most out of it without jeopardizing the durability. Then eventually I went over to tweaking,which isnt without risks. Though I did it, because computers are not that durable when it comes to technology, thus if something gets fucked up, you get a new component. which will again benefit the starting point of wanting to optimize, then eventually again tweaking, and so the circle is.

Now I have pinpointed two exact things that resonate through my life.

1. I am effectiveness, waste is unacceptable.
2. I am optimization, uneffectiveness is unacceptable.

So... what I see is that I have been trapped in a construct. Time. I optimize myself in the now. Optimizing, optimzing, optimzing, Failure, optimizing, optimzin, optimizing Failure.

Being here, gives the oppertunity to see directly the failures, and it are these failures of programming where the real optimization lies. There is the birth.

I can go through my life being event drivin, but I can also change here. And yes, it doesnt resonate with my curiosity to try out things, but if I can see the failure beforehand, why not act unto it, instead on waiting for the actual failure before I do something about it.

There is a rule is the optimization/tweaking-lifestyle which is prominent in all 'tweakers'. It's like a golden rule, which you know is true somewhere, but you cannot live it, as it goes against yourself. This rule is: If it aint broken, don;t fix it.

To be honest its common sense, something that aint broken, cannot be fixed.

But its the definition of broken that I live.

If something is not as good as it can get, it's broken.

And then there is an obvious problem, how good can it be?

From the perspective of my mind, there no sure way to answer that, its trial and evaulation until it is to your satisfaction.

So when I am satisfacted?
When its a common optimization, something that works for all, and stand the test of time. It's flawless, beyond debate, only those who object, havent tried it. No superiority/inferiority. It's also fast, most preferable instant. Well to be honest, I am only satisfied when things are instantaneously.

Instantaneously:
In stand always and direct

So, I ask myself, within the construct of time, can there really be instantaneous things?
No, as it is subject to time.

So what is the statement I live?

I am instantaneously.
I am direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the construct of time as time is event-driven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the construct of time, as this reality as setup as event-driven reality that is in accordance to time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I participate in the time-construct as who I am as the living statement of myself, I will create much unneccesary conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being in existence as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for who I am now, because I have allowed myself to be trapped in ideas, thoughts as memories, and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this life I am living, because I have a sense of responsibility that I must not seperate myself from other people, which means, living as how they live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been fighting with myself, because I havent accepted and allowed myself to see the outer as the reflection of my inner in all forms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see what this fairyland that people live as ideas practically entails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind, because it shows me where I am not one and equal to and with as myself, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the mind, because it shows me what events will have to take place, in order for me to see who I am as unequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as the mind, as I know it goes in to who I am Here as who I am as the directive power and the responsibility that I am within this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my beingness as here, because I see a lot of failures coming up, which I do not dare to take on here immediately, as it means I must lower my shields, open up, and face things head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I am building up resistance within and as me, because I know I have been able to be direct, but havent, and therefore live as time, as I live as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have been intune with all the subtile things, that I have lost 'track' of the real issue that it concerns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, that i am here, and not as the living thoughts and emotions that I have of the past, as I am a child, regretting, blaming, shaming, and thus trying to change my childhood instead of being here as who I am as all developments layed out in the physical programming of myself of becoming an adult has been completed, and it is not in my power to birth myself HERE as a baby and doing it all right this time, as it means I must create a physical death, knowing I would be stuck in the same position that I was earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have the power to do what I have to do, but not doing it, because I stare blindly back and feeling hopeless about the things that I have experienced without nothing to do about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stuck in the inner struggle of, I can change, but I cannot change my past, but I believe it to be so.

Pinpointing

2009-09-21T03:07:00.000-07:00

I have the urge to directly pinpoint problems or issues. And lots of the time I have like: yes this is it! though later seeing it was something else. They are all important, but it's a state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can directly pinpoint an issue or problem within myself or in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think directly pinpointing an issue or problem is good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can directly pinpoint an issue because in doing that, I perceive myself as that potential that life really has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can directly pinpoint an issue because it strokes with all the knowlegde and information I have taken in and that I desperately wanting to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have the clean ability to directly pinpoint any issues or problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have the ability to master a clean and pure ability of directly pinpointing an issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will be myself in mastering this ability, knowing its from the startingpoint of becoming superior to what I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will be superior in mastering the ability to see directly and pinpoint an issue, because I perceive other who can do this as being superior to who I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to accept the construct of superiority/inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to accept the construct of superiority/inferiority, because I have been learning myself to perceive things through that, through participating in that construct and using the projections and ideas by others to use as and for my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am inferior because I acknowledge that I have issues, here, and therefore I cannot, may not continue of myself, because there is no reason to create more mess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must continue with one issue, though several thoughts comes into play, which obviously have something to do with this, but I cannot trust it, as I cannot see if I am diverting my attention or are really assisting myself in getting this done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the more I dont want to do things, to more that is the thing I have to push myself through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I pinpoint directly every issue and problem within my comfort-zone without question or effort, though it is all that lies beyond the comfort zone that it is that is holding things in place and this will cause resistance, thus obviously the consciousmind will never go there directly, as I have learned myself to keep myself save and protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that it is not the directly pinpointing that is the problem, but looking beyond my comfort zones, as I have no idea when it is my comfortzone or not, as I see all issues and problems as they are, issues and problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that that I blame myself in my statements of SF, because I want to optimize myself as who I am now, instead of who I am here.

My blogs

2009-09-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

I have decided to make smaller blogs. I have tons of concepts, which I never really publish as they are not finished. Thats why I decide to make smaller blogs and work things out less massively. I notice in a lot of my blogs that new subjects come and those I will now imm. place in other blogs.

a song that popped up after releasing/working on the god-construct

2009-09-20T15:48:00.001-07:00

When I was little, and still, I like to sing.

We sang songs about god in church and it was very nice to hear when all people are singing in a group.

this was the song:

thank you, for this new morning;
thank you, for this new day;
thank you, that I, with all my troubles, can turn to you;

I was thinking about gratefulness, and that I havent experienced the gratefullness that is unconditional. Then this song popped up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be gratefull for each new morning, each new day, each new moment, because I aint gratefull for the terrors that life has brought me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be gratefull, because I cant be gratefull for a life full of makeup-wonders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be gratefull, because I cannot be gratefull for pain and agony.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gratefull, because people say I should be gratefull to god, which in my experience is just an asshole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be gratefull because of someone other then myself, because I have allowed myself to let myself in with the superiority-inferiority-construct, and I could not perceive gratefullness within the placement of yourself as superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my grudge to god, knowing that it is useless and noone will ever answer for these crimes against life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be gratefull, because I had no one to turn to and even god abandoned me, so what should I be gratefull for?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bound my expression of gratefullness to the superiority/inferiority-construct, as searching for means to be able to express my gratitude through constructs of make belief and absolute dishonesty towards self, towards life, towards all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the idea that I cannot be gratefull because I must be gratefull to god, and that is something I cannot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that I will never experience my expression as gratefullness and gratitude, knowing that its an expression and that even though it may seems a bit odd, it is who I am as life when I am one and equal to life as all as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself as gratitude, as it seems something that I musnt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself as gratitude, because I let me in with the belief that I should be gratefull or otherwise I am a spoiled kid/human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself as gratitude, because I perceive myself to be a spoiled kid, because only spoiled kids are acting as if they know it better and question the authoritiy of adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am a spoiled child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am a spoiled child, because I accepted and allowed such definitions of myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am a spoiled brat, because people have said that I as a child was troublesome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me in the belief system that people who have observed you as a child are always speaking the truth about you, not seeing its their perception of their own system which they have projected unto me, and thus I believed myself to be their system, as this is what self-responsibility was all about for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself take part in the construct of belief that other people always tell the truth about who you were in your childhood and since you must be who you are, this is the perfect example to hold onto and to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let myself go as the definitions as what I have defined myself as what I was 'supposed' to be as a child, as all I have defined is based on those thoughts emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the experience of gratitude is something different than the opening up I have towards animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only experience gratitude when I really appreciate what others make loose in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only experience gratitude when I almost have to cry because I cannot comprehend that there are persons who can be as who they are as my projections I have of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only other persons can unlock my deepest expressions as this is how I love perceived it to be, sudden, magical, deep, intense, unconditional.

memory

2009-09-12T03:19:00.000-07:00

Through memory we accept ourselves to be enslaved and enslave others in definitions, as how we perceived it to be and our experience. It is a reference-program, always based on what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be one and equal with. Thus having a bad remembrance of somebody, this will always be the reference point for future communication. Though even when you are not aware of it, your system and their system is much aware of what is going on. It is unacceptable to place beings in such a placement where they are not real, but a memory, but some definitions. It allows us to keep doing what we have been doing. It allows other people to not stand up as that what you give is but an altered reality of what is Here to see.

Its fascinating when you look at people from the 'old' perspective and from the HERE. Sucks to see that you made people so conditional, even though you might perceive the memory as good or wonderful, are they still that person?

My quest for knowledge, a story

2009-09-09T06:49:00.001-07:00

My quest for knowledge seems to be a bit strange when I will write about it, but nonetheless I will do so just to have it sorted out.

I was sitting on the toilet taking a shit. And I was very busy in my mind, talking, observing, figuring out, and then I said to myself that this is not necessary to do, so why am I doing it? I answered to myself that I have to keep myself occupied with thinking, and that I am using these moments to practice. It was rather strange that I came up with the word practising, but I followed the logic.

When somebody does something 'stupid', one thing that has been often said, and was very offending to me was: You really don't think huh? So the logical conclusion from that is that one gets smart by thinking. So because I don't wanna be dumb, I think, and I practise thinking. Why practise? Because it is said, that for me to be(come) something, one has to work really hard for it and practise it. Without practise one cannot master it in perfection. So I don't wanna be dumb, so I need to think, and practise thinking so I get/become really smart. Why really smart? Because the more you think, the better you can think and the faster you can think, the circuits are layed out, and used and therefore become more faster and more optimal.

Ok, but I was on the toilet, thinking about what to analyze, how to continue with this blog, so I stopped the thinking. I observed myself as shitting, and I had diarhea. "move as the substance, know how it moves" and I remembered "diarhea is a release, when it is caused by food, you know the food isnt supporting you in the process" So I observed. I ate two fish this afternoon. But I really only enjoyed one to its fullest degree. The other one I just ate, because it would be a shame to waste it as I bought it and there is nobody who will eat is as I am alone for another week. So ok. Release, non support, the second fish was not supporting, the diarhea was also not like I shitted out two whole fish, just like a half or so. Ok conclusion drawn. I finished. Whiped my butt and went to the kitchen.

I wanted something to drink, but I asked myself, what do I really want to drink. I want in need for any sweet, or anything bitter, or salty, or neutral as water. I just wanted something to drink for when I am upstairs writing this blog. I see that I had made a habit of just drinking for the drinking, having something to do (which as I think about it now, resemble a bit the thinking at the toilet. DOing it to have something to do) I forgave myself.

Though I wasnt really finished with this thinking at the toilet. I made some tea and observed any thoughts. I was thinking about, how I talk in discussion, how I talk in general, I forgave myself that I didnt have the courage to really live as the living word, and live mostly in silence and as the experience of myself in the moment. This had a deeper base. Stupid-thinking-expressing in words. I don't like to talk about things if they are not right. Some people told me that I come across as a preacher.

I like to say the right thing, in the right moment. Why? isn't this what real smartness means? I observed my thoughts a bit more, and eventually come across to the words which I heard in my youth several times: "You don't have to know everything!" Clearly this states hiding, secrets, me not being 'ready' or 'good enough'. As I remember my childhood, i was always exploring, making sense of things, especially things I didnt understand. And secrets where the most 'obsessive' thing of me. I couldnt miss out on things, because It might come in handy sometimes, as people will say that I do not have to know everything. I made sure people had no secrets for me. I know every pot and can in my house, where what was stored or kept. I did investigated all possibilities of hiding places. And found shit that wasnt meant for childs eyes to observe (porn). I was obsessed by the first girl I fell in love with. Spied on her, every single moment I had, with or without friends, I had this idea that... "To love is to know" (resembles the thought of "saying the right thing at the right time" in a romantic perspective don't ya think) Thus to show my love, I needed to know all about her, what she was doing, being involved with her without she really knowing, though I didnt keep it a secret that I spied on her, and she didnt seem to mind it at all. Her parents did so that was a bit scary, but made it more worthwhile when I didnt get 'caught'.

I see it all builds on to the next thing, very abstractly in a sense, but very specific within my experience and feeling. And when I came to a point where I felt again abandoned by life, I said: fuck this shit. I have to know it all, because to know it all, makes me real. Maybe the only realest person on earth, but I will do it.And from 'childplay' the quest to knowledge began. Outer knowledge, inner knowlegde, life, earth, universe, death, energy, and all things one must take in consideration as one who wants to be real can not be reserved in any kind of way.

Feeling abandoned & non-transparency = mixture of bad habits.

hesitation

2009-09-02T20:20:00.001-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in taking action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my construct of hesitation, as I have used hesitation to see what self-honesty is and what is deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that hesitating as in thinking things over to see what is going on and to make a choice is not bad,good, or profound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire people who do things without hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see hesitating as one of my virtues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that my whole day is build upon and around hesitation and not on living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I feel a lack of direction because I allow myself to follow my constructs and experiences within and as hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a build in construct of hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have relied on hesitating, because it allowed my to wait to take action just a lil bit longer though every moment counts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that allot of insecurities I have manifested for myself has been because of hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as the living example of hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have a problem with letting go, knowing this is an act of hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because that is part of my act of hesitation,which i experienced as something profound and something that is worth 'living'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have created a lot of emotions and feelings, such as hate, anger, love and fear because of the act of hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that hesitating is cute, and the cure to my existence, my purification process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the relief that I have when I do not hesitate and thing go well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have failed in lots of my objectives because I depended on hesitation of myself and of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have envied beings who do not hesitate, because that is the true experiences of myself as strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I hestitate allot because I seek counselling from my thoughts, emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in speaking and standing up, because that is what true hesitating for me meant, wait and observe and do this a little bit more.

I delete the construct of hesitation as self-doubt, dissolve the energie and thoughts that revolves around this matter or construct or are in relationshipwith it, here, now, quantum.

I clear myself of any energy leftover due to this deletion of this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I cannot do proper SF when I am as hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself as being burdend due to the deletion and non hesitating direction of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as heavy and that I therefore must fear myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that this heaviness that I experience is out of fear, and seeing stability as who I am here and fearing this stability as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I experience myself as this because I expect an energetic change within and as my physical human body when I do delete systems or forgive myself in a negative way, so that I can keep my self-doubt and self-fear, and hesitation in place.

29-08-09

2009-08-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

Als je iets doet, doe het dan als wie jij bent.

Dit kwam in mij op toen ik met mijn handen in mijn haar zat en me afvroeg wat ik nu moet gaan doen.

Het is hopeloos in mijn gevoel, zoveel dingen die ik eigenlijk moet doen en regelen en onderzoeken, maar ik doe het niet. Als ik tijd heb, en veel uitgezocht heb, dan ga ik even gamen.

Ik wacht op de SRA.

Daarmee kan ik wat leren.

Maar het schiet voor mij niet op.

IIG niet Nu.

Waarom voel ik me toch zo...

Teveel informatie, te weinig richting.

Is dit zo..

Ja eigenlijk wel. Ik weet van alles, kan van alles verzinnen, maar ik weet niet waar ik mee moet beginnen, want ik zie er ook niets van als ik het 'klaar' heb. Dan moet ik ook nog die dingen buiten de zelf-realisering doen, ik heb geen focus, ik doe maar wat. Ik doe daar een beetje en daar een beetje. Maar niets komt af. Niets is blijvend.

Vandaag dacht ik: Ik moet doen wat het beste is voor mij... Dat is een rare gedachte, maar mij... in equality en oneness is wat ik moet doen. Toch is de focus zo external... Ik denk alleen aan ons.. Maar ons voelt aan als seperatie.

Ik als wie ik ben moet in EnO zijn dat zit de verandering.

Dat moet ik doen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om in een droom te leven en dit geaccepteerd heb als wie ik ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik niet aan mezelf mag denken, omdat dat ego is, omdat dat slecht is, en dat ik dit idee geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik alleen aan anderen moet denken, omdat dat goed is, en dat ik dit idee geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dta ik alleen aan anderen moet denken omdat dat eervol is, en dat ik dit idee geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik alleen rekening moet houden met anderen, omdat dit beter is, en dat ik dit idee geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik aan mensen moet denken, omdat dit 'liefde' is, en dat ik dit idee geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik aan mensen moet denken, omdat ik anders hen niet mijn liefde geef, en geaccepteerd heb om dit te denken en te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik aan anderen moet denken, omdat ik anders laat zien dat ik een egoist ben, wat betekend dat ik oneerlijk ben en mezelf boven mensen plaats, en dat ik dit geaccepteerd heb om te denken en te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om alleen aan anderen te willen denken, omdat dit het makkelijker maakten om dit gevoel van mezelf te verdringen en het leven zoals ik dat zag te accepteren, en dat ik dit geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet aan mezelf te denken omdat ik dacht dat ik minder ben dan anderen en dat ik dit geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet aan mezelf te denken omdat als ik aan mezelf dacht ik vaak tot onredelijke conclusies kwam, en dacht dat dit aan mij lag en dat ik dit geaccepteerd heb als onveranderbaar.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om alleen via een omweg aan mezelf te denken, door eerst aan anderen te denken en dan mezelf achteraf in beredenering neem.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik niet aan mezelf moet denken, omdat ik dacht dat er andere mensen bestonden die meer zijn dan ik, en ik niet wilde dat ik mezelf boven hen plaatste.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik niet aan mezelf moet denken, omdat ik niet wilde dat de oneerlijkheid die ik in mijzelf zag, ooit geleefd werd of bekend werd bij anderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om de boosheid die ik ervaar vast te houden met betrekking tot het niet lukken om mezelf te beteren en dit te leven als wie ik moet zijn, onwaardig.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf als minderwaardig op te stellen, omdat ik met die persoonlijkheid meer aandacht kon opeisen en aandacht stond gelijk bij mij aan liefde, comfort en acceptatie, en dat ik dit geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik ben leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf minderwaardig op te stellen ten opzichte van alles dat ik alles leven ervaar en zie en dat ik dit geaccepteerd heb van mezelf om te leven.

Ik ben leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf minderwaardig op te stellen ten opzichte van alles dat ik ervaar en zie als leven, omdat ik niet kan zien dat leven mij als wie ik ben kan accepteren als zichzelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf minderwaardig op te stellen ten opzichte van Leven, omdat ik angst ervaar in en als mij, dat ik echt zal zien dat wie ik ben nooit leven geweest is omdat ik dit mezelf ontzegt heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf minderwaardig op te stellen aan leven, omdat ik niet kon zien wat de waarheid nu is in dit leven, vanwege mijn emoties en gevoelens, gedachten en ervaringen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mijn persoonlijkheid als minderwaardig niet te willen trancenderen, omdat ik bang ben voor eventuele reacties van mijn lichaam, en anderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mijn persoonlijkheid als minderwaardig niet aan de wilgen te willen hangen, omdat ik dan zie dat ik mezelf voor de gek gehouden heb terwijl dit niet nodig is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik mijn persoonlijkheid van minderwaardigheid niet mag trancenderen, omdat ik dan 'anders' ben en anders zijn is 'slecht' en dit omwille van anderen en mijn angst, dit mezelf toegestaan heb en geaccepteerd heb om dit te blijven leven, terwijl het niet echt is, en slechts een schouwspel.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mijn emoties en gevoelens en gedachten zo echt te maken, zodat ik langzaam maar zeker ben gaan geloven dat wie ik ben minderwaardig is ipv dat wie ik ben = wie ik ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik mezelf opgedragen heb om mezelf minderwaardig te voelen en dit te accepteren als wie ik ben, omdat alles wat ik zie minderwaardig is aan zichzelf en dit daadwerkelijk ook accepteerd en ik dit dus zag als normaal en nodig om te overleven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik mijn minderwaardigheid-persoonlijkheid en leven in stand hou door angst, intense angst te creeeren en te leven van alles dat onder de kop, superieur, geplaatst kan worden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik mijn minderwaardigheid in stand hou, door superieure dingen te denken, en hier op te reageren zodat ik steeds mezelf als minderwaardig affirmeer zodat ik mezelf hierin bezig kan houden, omdat ik weet dat als ik dit niet doe, ik los breek en dat zag ik als 'slecht' en 'onwenselijk'.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om minderwaardig te willen zijn, omdat ik dit kon ervaren als goed, als geaccepteerd, als waardig.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat je iets waardig kunt zijn door je minderwaardig op te stellen omdat ik dit geleerd heb in films en veel ervoer in de oneerlijkheid die ik zag, en daarom ook niet superieur wilde zijn, omdat dat die oneerlijkheid als basis heeft.

'Cleaning up the shit'

2009-08-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

I hate it to clean up somebody else his shit. And I hate to live in somebody else his created shit.

I hate it, because it wasn't necessary in the first place. But it's Here.

In accordance to eczema, I was trying to change my enviroment so that they would clean up their own shit.

But there are things that must be cleaned up by myself. Even though I wasnt directly responsible for the caused situation, I have the shared responsibility to clean up this shit too. If they don't clean their shit, and I won't clean their shit, who will clean it up then? Who will do it, if I do not do it?

That's making somebody else again responsible for cleaning up our shit, which isn't fair to them, but is in their responsibility to take care of, because eitherway, things have to be cleaned, have to be purified, have to be shiny and sparkly.

So I have to be stable in the statement of: It's not fair, but I have to take responsibility, It's not fair, but somebody has gotta do it.
And this without judgement, blame, hate, and use the anger to become self-directive in this matter.

At this time I have the urge to yell, and get rid of this suppressed anger by letting it come to the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to clean up someone else his shit because its not fair to me and justify doing nothing because its not fair and have accepted and allowed myself to live this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to clean up people their shit because its not fair to me and create hate towards them and justify doing nothing because of this hate that is existend within me and have accepted and allowed myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for other people their shit but doing it nonetheless and make me hate them and get angry at them justify the desire with this hatred and anger to do nothing and have accepted and allowed myself to live this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and hate those people who do not take their responsibility in cleaning up their shit, which means I will eventually have to clean up their shit, and this make me mad, and justify doing nothing because of t his anger and have accepted and allowed myself to live this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the persons for which I have taken responsibility but continue to create more shit, which I eventually have to clean up, because they wont do it themselves and have accepted and allowed myself to let this anger influence me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at other people who haven't dedicated their lives to themselves and dedicate themselves to be real and created hate and anger towards those persons and justify standing still because they are not one and equal to the way I live in this moment and have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by this anger and uncomprenhension of things and live this consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at people who desire from me to clean up their shit, while they are in a perfect condition to see that things werent necessary to clean up if they were seeing what they do, and justify this feeling of unfairness to do nothing and letting me be influenced by such acts and accepted and allowed myself to live as this justification.

I go further in dutch.

Schoonmaken

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan schoonmaken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan de gedachte dat ik iets moet schoonmaken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan de acties die schoonmaken inhoudt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om het idee te hebben dat ik een hekel heb aan schoonmaken en dit idee geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om het idee te hebben dat mensen een hekel hebben aan schoonmaken en dit idee als mezelf geaccepteerd heb om te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan schoonmaken, omdat mensen vaak dingen schoonmaken terwijl het niet eens vies is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan schoonmaken, omdat mijn ouders tegen mij zeiden dat ik dingen moest schoonmaken, terwijl ik dit onzin vond, omdat het niet eens vies was.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan schoonmaken, omdat mijn ouders tegen mij zeiden dat ik dingen moest schoonmaken, en daar had ik geen zin in, om dat schoonmaken altijd te lang duurt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan schoonmaken, omdat het niets met onderhouden te maken heeft.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan schoonmaken, omdat mensen altijd mopperen wanneer ze moeten schoonmaken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet op te willen ruimen, omdat dit gepaard gaat met schoonmaken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet op te willen ruimen, omdat mensen altijd lopen te zeuren dat ze op moeten ruimen terwijl er geen eens rommel ligt of is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet op te willen ruimen, omdat mensen dit vaak voor het plaatje doen voor anderen en hierdoor gestresst raken waar ik een hekel aan heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet op te willen ruimen omdat ik hier een hekel aan heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet op te willen ruimen, omdat ik een hekel heb aan mensen die perse alles opgeruimd willen hebben, alsof ze er niet tegen kunnen ofzo, of dat het hen beinvloed.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet op te willen ruimen, omdat ik een hekel heb aan het gestress van mensen die doen alsof ze op "moeten" ruimen, terwijl ze dit puur alleen voor gezichtverlies doen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dingen niet op te ruimen, omdat ik een hekel heb aan opruimen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dingen niet op te willen ruimen, omdat ik hierdoor mezelf van mijn vrienden onderscheid en dit fijn aanvoelt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dingen niet op te willen ruimen, omdat ik niet dezelfde definitie leef als anderen mensen met 'puinzooi' 'rotzooi' en hierdoor een hekel gekregen heb aan opruimen omdat ik niet begreep waarom dingen opgeruimd moesten worden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dingen niet op te willen ruimen, omdat ik hiermee anderen een plezier doe en dat wil ik niet, dat gun ik hen niet.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan ent oegelaten heb om niet te willen opruimen omdat ik mensen g een plezier wil doen met onzin en dingen die niet echt zijn of geen enkele waarde heeft.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te willen opruimen omdat ik een hekel heb aan de complimentjes die mensen kunnen geven alleen omdat dingen 'opgeruimd' zijn en dit niets te maken heeft met WIE een persoon is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te willen opruimen, omdat dit door mensen alleen bepaald wordt in het WAT is iemand en ik niet de focus wil leggen op WAT ik ben maar wie ik ben, omdat wat ik ben niet goed genoeg is voor mensen, maar hierdoor ook automatisch wie ik ben volgens hen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet mijn zaakjes op orde te willen hebben, omdat dit in het voordeel is van het systeem, en ik als voorbeeld gebruikt kan worden van manipulatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet mijn zaakjes op orde te willen hebben omdat dit indruist tegen mijn idee van onafhankelijkheid, alleen al omdat mensen je hiervoor kunnen bewonderen, terwijl ik dit onzin vind.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet mijn zaken op orde te hebben, omdat ik hiermee school een plezier doe, en dit wil ik niet, ookal betekend dit dat ik mezelf in de vingers snij

A Letter to myself

2009-08-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Me,

I'm writing myself this letter, because I have times where I do not understand anymore. It are the times when I look around and ask myself what it is I am doing. Why I am doing and for what I am doing. In those times I allow myself to take a step back. Let everything fall in place again, and then continue as I did. Though the times that I have to step back and let everything fall in place seem to come much quicker, and sometimes hold on for days untill I again stand in the crowd and do what I do.

Nobody told me this process of self-realisation was going to be easy. But even though I knew it was going to be hard, I did it anyway. The reason why is not so difficult to be answered, because I know that I will do everything that has to be done. It does not matter for me if the ride will be bumpy or makes me see things, which I never had been able to see or wanted to see. Because even when I do see this fear, it's not sufficient enough to not want to be real.

In those times of stepping back, I often ask myself the question: Why?

Why is it that I do not see any change? Why is it that I do not seem to get anywhere? Why do I do this, if I see only the same? Why is this anger within me never gone? Why is this sadness always within me? Why do I put so much effort and time in it, when all I do gain is 'nothing'?

Well, the answers to these questions are the same. I have not understood what Equality implies. If I am equal to and as the change, what is there to be seen? Where do I want to go when wherever I am is Here? What will I see, if all that exists is me? What is anger, knowing I have never stood up? What is sadness, when I see that I have to stand up? What is there to be gained, if all that is Here is who I am?

It seems like I am giving myself riddles, but are these answers really riddles?

There is a responsibility that I have to take. And that is birthing myself as all as equal to who I am.
All that exists within this world, are expressions of myself. And all I want is for each expression is to come to their senses and birth themselves in self-honesty and live equality. But if all these expressions are me.. who has to be the startingpoint? Who is it, that must take responsibility in the first place?

The reason why inferiority exists within me, is because I am living as less to other expressions of myself. The reason why I desire to be superior, is because I cannot allow myself to be less than my other expressions. Is it not that to perceive myself as superior, it means I am inferior as I cannot accept that I am equal to myself? Is it not that I perceive myself as inferior, because I know I do not stand equal to all that I am? But then really... How can I be less or more than myself? Am I not equal to all of me? Isn't common sense to say, that superiority is inferiority in disguise, because I cannot accept myself as who I really am?

There is nothing to be Gained, There is nothing to Get. It is giving back to myself which is myself. Is this expansion of awareness a gain? From a system-perspective it is, but in self-honesty it is not. How to gain yourself? It would be more likely to say, that I will regain my senses.

It is hard to comprehend that I am more than I think I am, but actually less than I desire to be.

The above phrase is the perfect example of myself as the mind. Because is it hard to comprehend when I say to myself: I cannot be less or more than to that I am equal to?

I need to stop fucking around with myself as the mind, as I know perfectly what is Here to see and to be done. Getting equal to myself. Regaining my senses. And only through that real change will occur and I can actually state that change is who I am and that I am Real.

Thank you Mind, for all the capabilities that you have allowed myself to participate within. But I cannot allow myself to perceive myself to be less or more than to which I am actually equal to. I thank you. But it is time for me to stand up. And though you have been my best friend, though you have stood by me and have giving me everything I needed in those moments. I cannot allow myself to see you as who I am in equality and oneness, as all I can perceive through you is the conditionality that I have allowed myself to believe in. I know I do not stand equal to you and accept you as my creation just yet. But I will. I work with you and through you to see what I do not accept as myself. I won't abusive you as you are my equal. But it is for me to stand as all that I am. And I abuse myself if I keep participating through our constructs. And yes... I have created you, but look at what we have done. I cannot allow myself to continue as this. And I cannot 'keep' you, asI have created you to not see what is Here. I must stop playing games, and we need to understand eachother to part in gratitude and with no hard feelings. I will become you, and change the way I have lived. We will let go of everything that is keeping us from realizing ourselves as who we are.

I have created an entity of myself. I have created my mind as an expression of myself. An expression which will not stand equal and one to all that I am in equality, as all that I am as real. And I see that this entity, this being, is who I am as protection, as fear, as a mean to gain. So I need to regain my sense. I cannot accept myself to be living in pure protection and fear as this is what I have done. I see what I have done, And I see what I have to do.

This is a letter to myself.

I

My experience of today

2009-08-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I finished the Family and holiness blog. After that I was quite furious and decided to take the car out and support me through voicing. It was really good, though I see I want really comfortable talking in such a way, because I have opened up a basic point of myself which I have hided for so long.

I said to myself after finishing the blog: I won't pretend anymore that I enjoy myself!

It was harsh though honest. I have been keeping myself from the system, I have secured my place here by not getting caught. If I were to speak with a psychologist earlier, I wouldve been on drugs for sure or maybe even been locked away. So to come out of this world of pretence and acceptance of myself of why and how I pretend has been.. interesting at least. Fear of death. Fear of anything was present. Fear of heartattacks.

I have applied SF an self-corrective application in the moment, and pushed myself through this dizzyness and uncomfortability. It was nonsense, but scary as hell.

Now several hours after this, I feel myself even more. Though a lot of SF has to be done, because I have opened up a mayor point within me which was so obvious to see but I never let it really go. Why? Because I knew, but I couldnt see. I could see but I did not want to, because it would anger me, and the anger would come out after all of these years, therefore i was uncomfortable with it, but it was necessary to be done.

It was all bullshit. Again and again. And I tried to let myself stand as this bullshit,but this cannot be, it was dishonest, and I have to stand in self-honesty so I have to retract myself from this bullshit perception that I do enjoy myself, because I don't.

It was a heavy day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to proclaim that I do enjoy myself while I ain't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I do enjoy myself, while I don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I enjoy participating in certain things, just to keep everyone happy and let them live in this world of pretence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I do enjoy myself and keeping up an ego, while when I am alone I feel myself much better, because I can finally drop the act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to influence myself through thinking I enjoy myself while I am getting this mad and furious within me, because I know I am only saying that so I can be kind in words and not make them face me as theirselves as who they are within this world as actuality.

Ik-heb-geen-zin systeem

2009-08-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Meestal als ik een beetje moe ben of niet ergens een punt inzie heb ik geen zin en creeer ik tegenzin.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om me druk te maken over dingen waar ik geen zin in heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om me druk te maken over dingen waar ik zin voor 'moet' maken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om me druk te maken om afspraken te maken, omdat ik vaak afspraken gemaakt heb en er toen geen zin meer in had.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om me druk te maken over gemaakte afspraken, omdat ik vaak geen zin heb om die afspraken na te komen, omdat ik eigenlijk geen zin heb of 'iets' beters te doen heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om me van te voren druk te maken over eventuele afspraken, omdat ik vaak afspraken niet nagekomen ben omdat ik er geen zin in had, omdat de afspraken die ik maakte vaak tegen mijn zin in waren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om afspraken niet te willen nakomen, omdat ik me vaak geforceerd heb gevoeld om een afspraak te maken zonder dat ik het er mee eens was.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om afspraken niet na te willen komen, omdat ik vaak heb moeten instemmen met afspraken die een eenzijdig waren en ik niet inzag waarom ik een dergelijke verplichting na moest komen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om afspraken niet na te willen komen, omdat ik vaak heb moeten instemmen met eenzijdige afspraken, waarin ik gedwongen werd om te luisteren anders had dit nare consequenties voor mij.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat ik een hekel heb aan verplichtingen, omdat de verplichtingen mij opgedrongen zijn door de maatschappij/systeem en niets te maken had met hoe ik mezelf kon en wilde ervaren in vrijheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat ik vaak veel dingen tegelijk wil doen en ik vaak te laat kom voor de afspraken en dit negatieve consequenties heeft gehad.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat ik mensen geen reden wil geven zodat ze kunnen gaan flippen of mij verantwoordelijk houden voor eventuele kwaadheid door verwendheid die zij ervaren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat ik weet dat velen hun afspraken toch niet na komen en dit geen zin heeft.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met mezelf, omdat ik me niet altijd aan hou.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met mezelf, omdat ik weet dat ik boos word op mezelf wanneer ik de afspraak door omstandigheden niet kan nakomen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met mezelf, omdat ik nooit het nut gezien heb in het maken van afspraken aangezien de afspraken altijd een reden waren voor eventueel conflict.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik wel afspraken maak met mezelf maar dit niet ervaar als afspraken, omdat deze afspraken in en als mezelf, geheel gebeuren van uit mijn eigen beweging en moeiteloos gaan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat deze afspraken nooit in volledige overeenkomst zijn met mijn andere bezigheden en afspraken die ik met mezelf gemaakt heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat ik zie dat afspraken vaak gemaakt worden vanuit moreel/moraal en niets te doen heeft met de uitting van een persoon als wie ze zijn en wat ze echt willen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat ik geen zin heb in teleurstellingen die andere mij bewust of onbewust aandoen door deze afspraak.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken, omdat de afspraken die ik veel al zie, niet in overeenkomst zijn met leven en met wie de personen zijn als wie ze werkelijk zijn, en hierdoor veel stress en onzin ervaren slechts vanuit hun gevoel van moraal en gerechtvaardige zelf-pijning onder het mom van discipline.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen creeeren met mensen, omdat afspraken vaak enkelzijdig zijn, omdat ze afspraken gemaakt zijn met instanties die opereren vanuit een 'hoger doel' als organisatie dat niet in overeenstemming is met het leven in onconditionaliteit.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met mensen, omdat ik de conflicten al reeds voorzie omdat ik nooit voor mezelf durfte op te staan in een manier dat ook echt eerlijk is en onbuigzaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met instanties, omdat ik vaak geen zin heb om die afspraken na te komen, omdat dit niet in mijn eigen planning past.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken omdat het maken van afspraken veel emotie in mij oproept.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken omdat het maken van afspraken veel verzet in mij body oproept en het gevoel van een last dat op mijn schouders rust.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met mijn lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om geen afspraken te willen maken met mijn lichaam, omdat mijn lichaam en ik niet goed communiceren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om bang te zijn dat mijn lichaam mij wilt af/uitstoten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om bang te zijn dat mijn lichaam mij wilt uitstoten en mij in de steek laat.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om bang te zijn dat mijn lichaam mij niet meer moet.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om bang te zijn dat mijn lichaam mij alleen toestaat om te verlaten, maar niet meer samen te smelten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om bang te zijn dat mijn lichaam mij niet meer toestaat om samen te smelten vanwege de herinnering aan mijn vorige leven met uittreding.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet in te zien dat ik het misbruik van mijn lichaam heb toegestaan door te participeren in velen dingen als gedachten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik het gevoel heb dat mijn lichaam mij saboteerd.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik het gevoel heb dat mijn lichaam mij saboteerd door de gemanifesteerde ziekten die ik sinds mijn geboorte al heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik het gevoel had dat mijn lichaam mij saboteerde met gedachten waarvan ik dacht dat die uit mijn hersenen kwamen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik mezelf gevangen voelde in mijn lichaam omdat ik mijn fysiek met het fysiek van andere vergeleek en zag dat mijn lichaam zich gemanifesteerd had als inferieur, als ziek, als verminderde mogelijkheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik niet kon zien dat ik samen met mijn lichaam de mogelijkheid had om ons beiden te manifesteren als datgene dat we werkelijk kunnen zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, vanwege de moeite die ik heb met ademen en de conditie waarin ik mezelf vergeleek met andere lichamen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat mijn lichaam niet zo groot was als wat ik zou willen en minder flexibel is dan ik zou willen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat mijn lichaam niet zo flexibel en aanpasbaar is als ik zou willen en afhankelijk is van plaats/tijd.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik niet zo 1,2,3 de minder leuke dingen aan mijn lichaam kon veranderen, zoals mijn huidskleur, lengte, haarkleur, haarstijl, nagels, piemel, tanden, connectie en pijn en ziekten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik niet alleen een innerlijk conflict heb met mijzelf als de mind, maar ook met mezelf als mijn fysieke lichaam en de percepties erover/van.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik ver superieur ben aan mijn lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik ver meer superieur ben aan mijn lichaam, omdat ik alles sneller kan als de mind, en mijn lichaam mij ervan weerhield om met de snelheid van mijn gedachten te kunnen functioneren, wetende dat dit slechts een perceptie is, en dat ik niet gezien heb dat de mind nog langzamer is dan mijn fysiek en eerder reageerd op gedachten dan ik voor mogelijk hield.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf zoveel meer zorgen te maken over mezelf als mind, als competitie, als gevoel, dan met mezelf als lichaam, omdat ik al geaccepteerd heb dat mijn lichaam minder is dan de mind.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf zoveel meer druk te maken over mijn emoties en gevoelens en gedachten, dan over mijn lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf zoveel meer druk te maken over de negatieve percepties die iemand heeft over het menselijke lichaam dan te zien wat het menselijk lichaam precies is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf zoveel meer druk te maken over mezelf dan over bijv mijn lichaam, omdat mijn ego het niet aankon dat andere systemen meer konden dan ik en hiervoor mijn lichaam verweet ipv te zien wat er daadwerkelijk aan de hand is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf wijs te maken dat het nodig is om te verzetten wanneer ik ergens geen zin in heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf wijs te maken dat het nodig is om mezelf te verzetten tegen mensen wanneer ik ergens geen zin in heb en zij eigenlijk willen dat ik meedoe.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf ervan te overtuigen dat het net lijkt alsof mensen het zonder mij niet aankunnen of minder plezier ervaren/directie wanneer ik er niet ben of wel.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te overtuigen dat het zo is dat mensen mij om hun heen willen hebben, omdat ik hun uitcancel.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te overtuigen dat het zo us dat mensen mij in hun omgeving willen hebben, omdat ik hun uitcancel, ondanks er nooit wat veranderd.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te overtuigen dat ik mensen nodig heb in mijn omgeving om mij uit te cancelen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te overtuigen dat deze wereld zonder mij iets had gemist.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat het voor deze wereld niet meer zou uitmaken of ik er ben of niet.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken en te voelen dat mensen altijd wat van mij moeten wanneer ik met hen praat.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat mensen altijd wat van mij moeten, in de egoistische zin.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat mensen altijd wat van mij moeten, omdat wanneer ik met hun praat daarna over mezelf en mijn proces ze snel weg gaan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat mensen altijd wat van mij moeten, in de zin dat ze me even kunnen gebruiken, en dan weer weggaan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat mensen altijd wat van mij moeten, omdat ik anders niet inzie waarom ze met me willen praten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik moeite heb met praten omdat ik niet wil dat mensen denken dat ik wat van hen zou moeten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet in te zien dat ik sf schrijf in de vorm en manier die het meest past bij de huidige transformatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat mensen als de MCs leven als informatie, dingen die in formatie staan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat mensen als de MCS kunnen transformeren, wetende dat dit de dingen die in formatie staan te her schikken, te veranderen zodat andere informatie in formatie staat en dit geleefd kan worden vanuit een MCS.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat de dingen die leef en ervaar, komt door de dingen die in formatie staan in en als mijn MCS, en dat ik mij transformeer zodat ik de dingen in formatie kan zetten die evenredig zijn aan gelijkheid in dit leven voor alles en iedereen en nu ook als mijzelf geschikt en niet volgens mijn MCS.

Streng zijn

2009-08-12T03:53:00.001-07:00

Ik heb eerst gezocht naar het engelse woord zodat ik dit meteen in het engels kon gaan schrijven.
Maar ik kon streng, in en als mijn ervaring en perceptie, niet vertalen naar onbuigzaamheid(rigid) dus ik ga dit eerst voor mezelf uitwerken in het nederlands en dit woord purificeren.

Streng zijn voelt niet lief aan. Ik had een hekel aan mensen die streng waren. Waarom, omdat ze niet lief deden.

Streng betekende : niet lief zijn, niet willen luisteren, jezelf meer/beter voelen.

Streng is in en als mij dus een volledig negatief woord.

Wat zijn de positieve kanten van het woord: directief zijn, duidelijk en kort en bondig zeggen wat je wilt zeggen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet directief te zijn, omdat ik niet niet lief wilde zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat strenge mensen niet lief voor me waren en niet naar me wilden luisteren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik geen klootzak wilde zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik een hekel heb aan mensen die zich superieur op stellen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik een hekel heb om mensen onnodig pijn te doen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om het innerlijk conflict tussen streng zijn en niet streng zijn momentelijk leef.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik mezelf niet wilde opstellen alsof ik beter ben dan anderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om streng zijn te zien en te ervaren als iets demonisch.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om streng te zijn naar mezelf maar niet naar andere mensen, omdat ik schuwde voor eventuele consequenties die ze zouden kunnen ervaren hierdoor.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat mensen die streng waren, voornamelijk streng waren uit boosheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn omdat ik nare ervaringen heb met mensen die streng zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn en hierdoor dus maar alles toegestaan heb omdat ik niet zag wie ik ben als mijzelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan strenge mensen, omdat iedereen bang is voor strenge mensen omdat ze altijd in posities stonden waarin zij mensen konden demoniseren/kleineren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mensen die streng zijn, omdat ik alleen de behoefte had om streng te zijn wanneer ik boos was of opzettelijk mensen met de neus op de feiten te drukken en hen te kleineren zoals ze mij gekleineerd hebben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn omdat ik mezelf aangepraat heb dat streng zijn niet goed is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn omdat ik een hekel heb aan mensen die gaan kruipen voor strenge mensen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik niet mijn vader wilde zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik niet mijn vader wilde zijn omdat ik hem als streng beschreef wanneer hij praatte vanuit zijn egoisme of partij koos voor anderen om zichzelf te beschermen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat mensen die streng zijn niet zien dat ze zichzelf proberen te beschermen tegen de pijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik streng zijn niet leuk vond.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te zijn, omdat ik mezelf niet wilde ervaren als een of andere kneus die niet snapt wat die aan het doen is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om boos te zijn op mezelf wanneer ik mezelf verlies in de expressie van mijn boosheid in oneerlijkheid en strengheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat dat niet mijn ideaal beeld is van hoe ik moet leven, omdat streng zijn volledig negatief opgevat wordt in en als mijzelf als deze wereld.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te ergeren aan mensen die streng zijn, omdat ze niet weten hoe ze anders in een situatie kunnen omgaan en niet weten wat ze doen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om om een hekel te hebben aan mensen die streng zijn, omdat die mensen, dulden geen tegenspraak.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een hekel te hebben aan mensen die streng zijn, omdat zij niet zien wat ik zeg door een perceptie van zichzelf als strengheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet meer streng te willen zijn, omdat ik weet dat de definitie die ik leef van strengheid zorgt voor een innerlijk conflict die mij veel pijn en verdriet doet.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat mensen die streng zijn alleen maar streng zijn zodat ze anderen kunnen controleren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet meer streng te willen zijn, omdat ik streng ben voor mezelf in wat ik denk, doe en zeg, terwijl ik anderen op hun beurt laat om zelf tot awareness te komen van de strengheid in en als hunzelf naar hunzelf in eerlijkheid en progresiviteit in het creeren van hemel op aarde.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet meer in een relatie te willen zitten, omdat ik weet dat ik dan streng zal moeten zijn in en als mijn uitting in volledige acceptatie wat ik nu niet durf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet meer in een relatie te willen zitten, omdat ik weet dat ik mensen ga pijn doen en ik dit niet wil veroorzaken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet meer in een relatie te willen zitten, omdat ik weet dat ik niet kan zitten maar zal moeten staan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om al mijn vrienden in deze wereld te willen verdoezelen en niet meer te willen zien, omdat ik weet dat wanneer ik moet gaan staan als mezelf als leven ik streng zal moeten zijn, dat ik volledig leef als een negatief aspect van mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om streng zijn te schuwen vanwege de ervaringen die ik in en als mij leef en de hulpeloosheid die ik ervaar wanneer ik mezelf niet in en als strengheid kan voortbewegen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik streng zijn ervaar als puur manipulatief.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik misbruik toe sta in en als mij, omdat ik niet durf om streng te zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te willen zien dat ik misbruik van mezelf toesta door niet streng te willen zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te willen zien dat ik mezelf gevangen hou, door vast te houden aan mijn moraal van niet streng willen zijn omdat ik dit als negatief ervaar.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te willen leven als strengheid, omdat ik weet dat ik zo boos ben in en als mij, dat ik dit projecteer op anderen en de gevechten die ik zal krijgen al voor me zie en ervaar.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet mezelf in strengheid te willen uiten, omdat ik wil dat mensen zich kunnen ervaren als wie ze zijn, en dit niets te maken heeft met mij als persoon in de uitting van mezelf maar dit wel als probleem zie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf niet in strengheid te willen uitten, omdat ik mezelf niet toesta om manipulatief te zijn, wetende dat mensen die zich uitten in strengheid dit bewust en onbewust doen en ik dit gewoon weg niet kan toestaan van mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik het wel redt zo door niet streng te zijn naar anderen wetende dat ik hierdoor dingen creeer die onnodig zijn en schadelijk zijn op de langere termijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet sreng te willen zijn, omdat ik niet wil dat mensen alleen maar naar mij luisteren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet streng te willen zijn, omdat ik niet wil dat mensen alleen maar naar mij luisteren en te doen alsof ik hun superieure ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om een entiteit te creeeren die mezelf als strengheid is, omdat ik ditzelf niet heb willen leven als de uitting van mezelf en hiermee de verantwoordelijkheid afschoof op iets/iemand anders zodat ik mezelf kon beschermen van de pijn die ik al reeds ervaren had.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik al eens strengheid heb geuit, wetende dat dit een perceptie is van mijn ego, en dat ik hier nooit gelijk aan gestaan heb, want anders was het een moeiteloze en eerlijke expressie van mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te willen ontdoen van mijn strengheid door drugs te gaan gebruiken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan ent oegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik mijn strengheid heb verbloemd door drugs te gaan gebruiken die mij assisteerde bij het toestaan van de onzin in dit leven en de problematiek die ik zag maar niet wist hoe dit te veranderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om alles af te schuiven op een construct van inferieuriteit, zonder te zien dat dit werkelijk had te maken met mezelf als strengheid en ik dit onder een specifiek, doch abstract woord heb geplaatst zodat ik mezelf wederom kon verschuilen van de waarheid van mezelf als wie ik ben als de uitting van mezelf als innerlijk conflict en systematiek en angst.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf goed te voelen wanneer ik streng ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik me beter kan voelen wanneer ik nog strenger ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat het verkeerd van me is om streng te zijn in de woorden die ik gebruik.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat het verkeerd van me is om uberhaupt streng te zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om boos te zijn op mensen die conflict in en als mij veroorzaken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dingen waarin mensen zich gecorrigeerd hebben, dieper in te wrijven, zodat ik er een ego-boost uit kan halen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dingen niet te willen zeggen uit angst voor conflict, omdat ik mezelf niet als de stabiele factor heb gemanifesteerd.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te twijfelen aan mijn woorden die ik schrijf, wetende dat het niet de twijfel is aan de woorden, maar twijfel aan mijn applicatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om conflicten uit de weg te gaan, door mijn woorden zo te gebruiken dat ik niet diegene ben die het conflict in de ander trigger.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om me zo te vormen dat ik voorzichtig ben om een dergelijk conflict te triggeren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet direct te zien wat iemand zegt wanneer ik in een defensieve stand sta.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik met opzet niet gereageerd heb op matthew omdat ik in een defensieve houding zat, en heb ik mezelf dus in strengheid directie gegeven zonder toe te geven aan de impulsen van een reactie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mijn process bij te houden door te reflecteren op oude gebeurtenissen en dit te willen vasthouden zodat ik volgens een systeem kan leven ipv mijn expressie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te reageren op de kwaadheid van anderen en deze kwaadheid te gebruiken als reden voor zelf-twijfel.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te reageren op de kwaadheid van mensen die ik getriggerd heb, alsof ik de verantwoordelijke ben van de kwaadheid in en als hun, wetende dat ik zo geleefd heb en dit het construct van niet streng willen zijn in stand hield.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik mijn strengheid moet ervaren als duivels en demonisch.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb mezelf veilig te willen stellen tegen anderen en eventuele pijn, en hierdoor mijn strengheid als mijzelf te willen verbloemen door lief te zijn en woorden te gebruiken zodat ik niets trigger in een persoon, omdat ik mezelf hiervoor altijd schuldig gevoeld heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan ent oegelaten heb om mezelf schuldig te voelen voor het creeren van een conflict in mezelf en in matthew.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf schuldig te voelen voor het creeren van situaties waarin iemand zichzelf praktisch kan assisteren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat ik alles moet negeren wat andere zeggen, omdat dit strengheid voor mij inhield als de ervaring in en als mijzelf door observatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik pijn als plezier heb ervaren en innerlijke conflicten ook.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik pijn creeeren leuk vond, en daarom mezelf afzijdig wilde houden van eventuele triggering in andere mensen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik graag pijn en conflict creeerde om een sense van enjoyment te krijgen, omdat ik wist dat het niet nodig is, maar zo makkelijk ging.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik reageer op conflict omdat ik plezier ervaar, movement ervaar in conflict.

Family and holiness

2009-08-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

Family it feels as if it is a small-world-system.

You have self, existing in a small-world, and then again existing in a bigger world.

So to change the world, the small world, there has been something which I knew, but haven't considered. I was listening to osho and he said: "When one person of a family gets holy, the whole family gets holy" And fuck yes... This has been one of my perceptions!

A direct influence is possible in the family. Not in the big-world as i Thought. What if I would be the one that saves this family? What if I would make big money and all of my family would survive? What if I became a master, wouldn't that smoothen the way for all in my family? To be the family of all families?

It's fucked up. You try to take on the responsibility for all these beings in your family, but all within the context that your family exists as. You know that you cannot go into certain stuff because it would never be accepted. You know that beings are so busy with themselves that they do not actually care about what you are trying to do or see what you live. Taking on the responsibility for others is an ungrateful job, nobody sees it and you cannot mention it, because they have to see it, but they never will, they will take it for granted. "Ah thats just the way Ray is" And it stops there.

I ask myself how long I have been bothered by family matters? I have two families. The family of my mother and the family of my father. But I do not belong to either these seperate families. I placed myself as and in the family of the world. One family where we are all part of without seperation.

Thus in essense of the way I perceive things, I am part of the three families. Where I am considered as the picture they have of me. Being to preoccupied with anything they do. In the one, and in the other families. There is no difference.

So fuck... handeling my life through believes of my primary family, reflecting on the secondary family, trying to live in the tertiare family is such... nonsense and beyond comprehension of yourself when you look at this in and self-honesty.

Just by considering the other family as your primary family would totally makes you a different person.

And from the perspective of this holyness. It would only be for the primary family within my feeling. Why I ask? Because that would make sense. Stupidity.

But it are these experiences and perceptions of your direct environment as primary family that you have shaped yourself as. Trying to establish yourself as yourself in self-honesty with nobody in the family to do the same. Letting them be, just speak, but in caution. And I know it is me who will do it, but it is fucked up that nobody is doing the same. Not even your parents which you wanted to see as an example. Isnt that how it's supposed to be?

So reading again about the family construct, and seeing what parents havent realized when they brought me/us into this world. Isn't it harder for us to overcome this bullshit that they have allowed, only because they are not willing to change themselves? But.. For them is just as hard as for me to change... For them it hasnt been different.. For them it wouldnt be different. SO one must break the cycle. So one must actually stand up and be that change. And those who follow, follow, and those who want to stay in their secure place, stay in their secure place..

Why wait for everybody to come out of their secure place in order for me to do what I have to do. Taking smaller and smaller steps, just because You don't want to push them out of their secure place.

Who am I kidding now? Them? OR myself? Don't they actually wait for an example? Don't they actually wait for someone to come out of their secure place? Don't they actually wait and expect me to do their job which they havent been able to forfill for themselves?

My mind gets foggy as I am writing this. Less and less things it has to hold on to. I have less and less things to hold on to. Only fear. Only fear of why should I be the one? Why should I be the one who will succeed? Why should I be the one who fucks it all up for them and actually change this world in what is should be? Must I wait first for my parents to die? Must I first wait and watch them die and then be ashamed and feeling powerless, because I have not showed them who they are and might've transcended shit and actually enjoyed themselves by stepping out of these bubbles?

All I feel now is myself being caged within my head. This energy is staying in my head region. Saying: Pls, reconsider what you are thinking and will be doing. Pls, reconsider the impact this will have. Pls, reconsider and stay secure.

I won't. I have had enough of this bullshit. I am holding myself down and back. Having to stay as the kid which knows nothing. Who's dumb. Who's 'smarter than anyone else but doesnt do anything with it'. I am tired of it. I am tired of this bullshit in holding myself back. Feeling myself fucking sad and can cry when I see an act of kindness and understanding. Having the urge to cry when I actually see someone expressing that who I am. Its fucking nonsense. It's fucking fucked up. I just want to curse and shit, because I am not mad but very angry at myself for allowing myself to participate in such bullshit. PRojecting shit just to keep myself in place... "ow no, I cant go there, I know what will happen then" Yeah so? Fuck that shit. Ain't I doing things in the interest of all? Why are they so fucking special? Why are they so fucking special that I have to hold myself back?

And you know what's more bothersome? Having to cope with the sadness and bullshit and not standing up and lend them a helping and practical hand when you see them in their struggle to survive, the struggle to overcome their own bullshit, the struggle of fear of not being accepted anymore by any family when do fall out of their character.

I was just thinking, but I wrote fucking, As the word fucking represent some release within me as anger, that I am fucking mad, that my parents arent applying themselves. I don't want to be better then them, but they will think this just because I came to my senses. I want them to come to their senses too. And I am trying to walk this process of self-realisation with them. But if they are not applying themselves it becomes fucking insane. I am insane of all the bullshit, I am insane because of their struggle. I am insane because people do not do what they are supposed to do.

How CAN I live kindness of myself, as people around me keep holding me back just because these fucking acceptances and allowances of perceptions and systemprograms and misery and fear and regret that I have to take responsibility for because they have not come to their senses.

I am now places blame. Blame to those who are not willing to stand up. Blame to those who I perceive am holding me back. But that again is bullshit. It is me who is doing this. But I cant experience this way, because I blame them. Blame my family, blame the families. Blame humanity for this fucked up world we live in. I blame those who are not ocming to their senses. I blame those who are not willing to stand up. I blame those who are not willing to give up their shit to prevent new shit. I blame those who are arguing about my life and the way I live because they do not do it themselves. I blame those that make me to come out of constructs. I blame those that make me feel like crap. I blame those who have designed this world. I blame everybody for making me feel as if I am not sane. I blame those that question my sanity. I am pissed of. I am pissed of that I have to do things which werent necessary if all went well and honest. I am pissed off because I have to stand as the change for people to be able to live a normal and honest live. I am pissed off because this is not how I wanted to experience myself in this world and do this things. I am pissed off because I have to change. I am pissed off because I do not feel responsible. I am pissed off because I cannot see this dishonesty within me why I do not feel responsible and get to the point of actually standing up. I am pissed off. I am angry. I am sad. I am not understanding. I am questioning. I am doubting. I am not considering. WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS DISHONEST POINT. WHAT IS IT. WHY Cant I see it. I am willing, but I cannot do it without the totallity of myself. FUCK SAKE. COME OUT. COME OUT AND LET ME SEE WHO I AM AS THIS DISHONESTY IN THE COMPRENSION THAT I AM ALL OF THIS.

I don't want anymore pictures. I don't want anymore faiths of belief. I dont want anymore this bullshit of dishonest ways of thinking. WHAT DO I NOT SEE!?!?!

Fuck...

[Mercy] An un expected change...

2009-07-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had written something in regards to the microchip perspective, but decided to wait and see if I was clear on this. I closed the window and lateron was scrolling in the PF. I saw a post I had not seen. (I seek the post out on selection mostly) It was a post of Bernard where he said: Mercy is the belief that the consequences will change just because I have changed--understand that even when you change--you have to live through the consequences for as long as it take to bring all home to self as one and equal.

I see now, that I have lived, as 'asking for mercy'. I remembered the dream I had, where I cried and felt helpless and described it as very intensly, but it was really an scream/cry for mercy. The resemblance of the dream explained by chief, the killer as my greatest fear and 'bernard' as the biggest desire. The merciless and mercifull.

If I look at things I have done, in this life particular, I think of visiting the beings, and tell them I'm sorry. They may not even know anymore, and I do not know to what extent this would actually help me or them. It's the guilt I have been coping with all along, which never seems to fade. I didnt want to experience punishment for things I had caused, because of ignorance and selfishness. But since its effecting me in such a way and there is no way I can solve the past, I can only stop. I have been walking around punishing myself, blaming myself, judging myself and it will never stop. I cannot undo the past, but I can prevent it from happening. That's why I decided to change. Yes I see now, Yes I hear now, Yes I feel now. But who can make it stop now? Only I.

So can I be mercifull on myself:
this require deep introspection to see the common sense and do the corrective self forgiveness and self honest reflection to reveal all patterns of deception based on mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mercy exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing good will cancel out the bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that changing myself will change the manifested consequences for me, and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change the past, because of my believe in time-traveling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that their is one being that can swipe away or change the consequences of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief of mercy, as that would maybe change the experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be merciful on beings, though they have really hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that being merciful is taking responsibility for others and their actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my search of salvation was a search of mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am 'mercy'-worthy, because I have changed and tried to bring people to the awareness of whats here and stop continueing manifesting consequences that they might regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'god' will show mercy, for the things I have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mercy as I believed it to be exists, because of my religious imprints/constructs to which I was not aware of in this extent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to empower those seeking for mercy, not actually considering the common sense, when 'I am God'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I will be complyed to the system, I will gain mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a change in manifested consequence, because I do not see what I have manifested allready, and because I have difficulty in this life, I do not want to experience more that is really unneccesary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived as longing for mercy, because I see this world doing whats its doing without stopping, and creating more and more of a mess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in mercy, because others live as such and I have copied this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that lying is showing mercy and a real act of kindness in some cases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to say ssorry to beings, because I wanted the manifested consequences of me and my actions being stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to say sorry to beings, so that they can 'show mercy' when they see how much I regret it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as regret, otherwise I thought myself not to be worthy of mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself in such a way, that I have not seen, though professing as I have seen it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, as I could not forgive myself in certain ways, as I did not saw my responsibility due to allowed and accepted beliefs based on a god or other mind constructs which takes away my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other beings, as they showed me mercy does not exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that punishment is the way to 'attain' mercy, as punishment may manifest regret, and regret the cry for mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask for mercy, because I have perceived much in this life to be my fault and my responsibility to fix it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask for mercy, because I did not know why I am, who I am as a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am here as punishment and this is actually hell, and this because I have shown no regret or was not worthy of the act of mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think its bad of me to be busy with self-realisation, though the system, as where i should 'belong' states there is no room for people like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think mercy is necessary for person to self-realize how lucky they are they may walk on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that because people showed and told me I am a bad person, I am unworty to be here in the physical, and unworthy of the physical, though I am still here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I should beg for mercy, because I perceived myself to be not worthy of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of love, because the acts of love, were compromising my expression as I saw it would end up nowhere without beings listening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can not be an example, because I have done wrong, though I was able to stop in person and wanted to help others who did not yet see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not worthy of being God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not worthy of being a God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not worthy of being the perfect example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being mercifull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having mercifull beings around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having difficulty within myself and project it outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not to become a murderer, because I have defined a murderer as being unmercifull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire mercy from beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek salvation within drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek salvation within marijuana.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek salvation within weed or hash.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my body doesnt tollerate drugs, because I got sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my body doesnt tollerate narcotica.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stomach pain, because of fear of manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stomach pain, because I think I havent applied myself well enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stomach pain, so I can feel uncomfortable within my process and find time to do other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think wisdom and knowledge will save me, just by knowing it, and not placing it in formation as myself as who I am, Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for salvation within energy, as the 3rd eye, chakra's, mudra's and healings.

I forgive myself t hat I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for beings being wrong all the time, so that I dont feel stupid when I make a mistake.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to let go off the idea that I will be able to manifest in quantum speed, here, in the physical.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to let go off the dream that I will be able to save humankind and find the truth behind the truth, as this would give me fame and pride for my family.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to let go off the fear what might happen when I do not project anymore into my future.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to let go off the emotions which I have manifested in my human physical body because of I perceived life to be painless.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see I am capable of doing this process and keep on track as the way I am doing now, though seeing I can be more effective which is my own choice.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see I can be independend from whatever I think I may require, asI am all that I am as my allowances of life within my life and body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated by my body that is heaten up, because of the itching and pain I experienced due to eczema, which has been part of me since I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated by my body, because of the perception of me being boiled alive just for fun, or just so I taste more better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated by the pressure that I experience in my 3th eye, just because I associate it with being wrong, or not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself that I am almost there, everytime I do SF or realize something, so that I hold on to the perception that this is really what I want and that I better finish it, because it wont be too long away before I really would self-realize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself that I am almost there, because people told me I am further than them, and speak in such a way that I should be more further than they are, and because I wanted to be special in some way, I started to believe this and live this, though not actually, because in stating that I am almost there, I am trying to convince myself that I might be the one, seeing that I am, or I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and generate energy when my body heats up, because of the outside temperature, because I perceive myself to be not being able to sleep this way, and thus compromise me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and generate energy so I wont feel relax, or begin to tighten up, feel tense, when the outside temperature is more than I would prefer in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and generate energy when the temperature outside my body is warm and heathens me up, because I associate this with periods of non enjoyment, or where I really could not enjoy myself, while others could, making me feel bad, diferent and punished by god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and generate energy to heathen myself up, when the outside temperature is more than I prefer or perceive that I could handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when its warm, because I perceive myself to be not able to handle such extensive heath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when its warm, because I had to put clothes on when I was a kid, though It was warm already, and didnt require any clothes, but was forced to without seeing the neccerarity of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and warm myself up, when I think about people saying I have to do things for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tighten my lungs and therefore force myself to keep the angriness and sadness inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dive into my past to seek information that I havent have in my conscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold in my anger and frustration by pulling my stoamch and lungs together and not breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the grudges that I have to my childhood teachers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an indigo, with two seperate mcs within me, because I feel my body sometimes being seperate, and a lot of 'signs' of indigo, I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tighten up in my body, because it seems so normal and automatic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in being relaxt, because this then is perceived as me being artificially relaxed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it;s good to force myself into finishing things that I have started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think its positive that I force myself into finishing things that I have started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think Im weak when I do not finish off what I have started directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think im weak when I do not finish things directly when I start them, because I feel like I need to be obsessed by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my behaviour is compulsive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my behaviour is not compulsive though seeing that what I do is compulsive.

19-07-09

2009-07-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

These last days I experience a feeling of intense sadness. Though I feel stable as who I am, I feel this sadness in the background. Yesterday when I drove home after coming back from friends, I really could cry, though it's just momentarily.

I dreamed that night, of a girl holding some kind of baby, the baby was misformed though I felt, as the girl which was holding it, a very deep caressing feeling. I hold the misformed baby, misformed as if it was physically so disformed that it even didnt look like a baby. It reminded me of a potato, knowing this is influenced by a post I read by SilverFinger. Then someone took the baby inside, and I was soo sad, that I was crying very intensivly. Like crying as you don't know what to do and cant do anything about it.

Today I read some more stuff on SRAT. And I am very excited to commence with it. Within mastering SRAT I can actually give myself direction in that thing I was intended to direct myself when I first came in contact with muscle testing and integrating emotions. To gain 'systems' respect I wanted to do Psychology. But I didnt finish it. Now I am doing some study on social-reintegration stuff. Actually not to profess it, but to really have a 'system-certificate' to be able to set up some counceling-therapy business which involves muscletesting. I see that SRAT will help me understand my resonance, and gives me more insight/practical things to work with. Though I experienced some fear, because I have to 'demonstrate' myself at the farm. I have to wait before I can make a deal with school, about early departure so I can go to SA, so it was already my intention, but now that I will be doing SRAT I experienced fear.

There's a lot going on in my mind. And thats why I am writing now. There's so much I still have to do. Have to investigate, have to work out. And what differs is that I normally would get really angry in such a situation and resist it, but now its more an experience as, 'will this ever end'? I see that the more I forgive, the more intense it all becomes. It also become clear, Its like I already see what to do and how to do it, where it would lead me, but to an certain extent.

I experience lately a lot of pressure in the 'eye of consciousness'. Veno's Structural Document will be redone again when I will commense SRAT. It will be great.

I will begin to write another song. I will see what comes.

2009-07-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

He added: “Remember, hear my words, don't look at my deeds. The deeds necessary to be done for a moment are not who I am.” I closed my eyes, slowly but surely moving to the silence within and answered: “Monkey see, monkey do. Through example I am standing, I am speaking - as will you. This time I understand that it will be done through words only, as I have realised: I am the living the word. Actions and deeds will be necessary for a moment, yet I understand I am not my actions or my deeds.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf bang te maken voor het feit voor punishment van iemand anders.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf bang te maken voor dat gene dat ik diep in mij als alles in g elijken ervaar.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mijn fysieke lichaam te gebruiken als excuus om niet te zijn wie ik ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om dit wat ik nu voel en vaker gevoeld heb te verdoezelen door angst, angst voor punishment, angst voor anderen, angst om gediscrimineerd te worden, te gekleineerd te worden en om te zijn wie ik werkelijk ben als elk woord dat ik spreek een direct resultaat is van datgene dat ik leef in gelijkheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf bang te maken en daardoor afhankelijk te maken van energie, en de energien van anderen en me hierdoor aangetast voel.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te willen wachten op anderen omdat ik mezelf niet waardig genoeg vond om mezelf te zijn, voortkomend uit een ontwikkeld idee van moraliteit.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te willen wachten op iedereen die met mij gaat voor equality en oneness omdat ik mezelf ingedamd heb door de illusies die ik heb moeten ervaren als lessen, als pijnlijke lessen, en als littekens die ik dagelijks zou moeten uitdragen als wie ik ben, wetende dat ik geen idee had wat of wie ik was in die momenten en dat wanneer ik mezelf een slaaf maak van het verleden in niet zal zijn wie ik werkelijk ben hier in dit moment, en elk moment hierop volgend.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf niet te pushen en in mezelf een gevoel te creeren dat mij beschermd van de verdriet die ik werkelijk als allen voel.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezlef niet te vertrouwen als wie ik ben en te willen leven volgend de normen, omdat ik niet verder kon zien, niet verder durfte te zien tenzij het voor mij uitgelegd is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf niet verder te willen ontwikkelen als mezelf, omdat ik bang was om hierin een statement van superieuriteit te maken, terwijl ik slechts mijzelf laat birthen als wie ik ben als de unlimitless van mijn wezen als creatie als wie ik ben in volle glorie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om te denken dat mijn fysieke lichaam gemaakt is om mezelf tegen te houden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf van mijn weg te verwijderen door alles wat ik mee maak en de opzettelijke acties van anderen die mij pijn en verdriet wilden doen en wilde indammen door hun ongeloof van hun eigen wezen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf seperatie als zelf-support op te leggen, wetende dat ik dat juist niet kan doen als de statement van wie ik ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mijn angsten te zien als goed.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan ent oegelaten heb om mijn angsten te zien als een mechanisme dat ik in mezelf geplaatst heb om mezelf goed te kunnen leiden in de weg tot de gewaarwording van mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om de dingen die ik doe niet te zien in de context van wie ik ben, maar vanuit een construct van moraal, goed en slecht, beter en best, wetende dat wie ik eben als de statement van mezelf ga voor gelijkheid in en als eenheid voor alles, in hoeverre dat ik alles begrijp.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om de grenzen die anderen hun opleggen te blijven zien en te leven als mijn eigen grenzen, omdat ik niet wilde dat ik als superieur gezien werd aan hen, terwijl het t e maken heeft met de gewaarwording van mezelf als wie ik ben als leven en niets te maken heeft met superieuriteit gezien ik wezens en dit bestaan niet wil laten zien hoe goed ik ben, maar om hen te laten zien wat de mogelijkheden van hun wezen is wanneer zij op houden met toetegeven aan datgene dat ze werkelijk niet zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan ent oegelaten heb om de grenzen van mijn ouders te zien en te leven als mijn eigen, omdat ik mijn ouders niet het idee wil geven dat ik hen overstijg.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om toe te geven aan mijn eigen angsten voor anderen mensen, omdat ik weet dat zij mij kunnen ervaren als een gevaar omdat ik hun limitaties overstijg, wetende dat dit als wie ik ben niet in de opzet bedoeld is om hen te kleineren, maar om te laten zien wie zij daadwerkeljk kunnen zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf te willen blijven identificieren met de grenzen van het systeem, ipv mezelf trouw te blijven aan waarvoor ik sta, limitatie of niet, opdat ik limietloos ben.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om niet te zien dat ik vasthou aan mijn verleden en de dingend ie ik gedaan heb, zodat ik een excuus heb om te stagneren en te zeggen, ik deed me best, maar in werkelijkheid dat niet durfte.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om de limieten die ik mezelf op gelegd heb te willen blijven leven, omdat ik niet wilde dat ik anders werd dan anderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om het levende voorbeeld te leven van limitatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om naar mijn limitaties te grijpen of een beroep te doen daarop wanneer de ervarin g van mezelf anders is dan limitatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om mezelf niet te willen laten inzien dat in elke actie dat ik neem, de grenzeloosheid van mezelf verwoord zal moeten worden, opdat ik ben als het levende woord, limietloos, programeerloos, maar dat ik ben wie ik ben in en als onconditionaliteit.

Realisation: Fear of death

2009-07-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

I still experience fear of death.
Today I was sitting in the car, and wanted to let go of the fear, but I couldnt.

Because: I FEAR to be dying, when I do not fear dying.

It's like I live as this statement: If I do not fear death, I want to be dead.
Like I have to fear it because otherwise I would die, because it doesnt bother me, and thus I desire to be dead if I would like go of this fear.

I REALLY cant see how I have managed to get to such a conclusion.
So I need to fear stuff, because I think that when I do not fear those things, I will seek them out, I will go and experience it on surposely. And because I see no use in dying whatsoever, I keep this fear intact.

I really have to look in this further, because one thing is sure, it doesnt make sense, but I experience it to be 'only the logical conclusion'.

It is rather strange.

The buddy system

2009-07-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

I wrote a message to Jorge to buddy up.
In writing this I experienced fear of rejection.
It was accompanied by the thought : Maybe I aint ready for this, what if...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a questions, because I fear looking stupid or dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I made myself belief that Questions are dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because it reminds me of sitting at school, being afraid to ask a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because it reminds me of sitting at school, being afraid to ask a question because I was scared other people might find the question dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I am afraid that people may find me dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I fear being seen as dumb as people who are dumb are considered worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I fear being perceived as dumb, because I perceived people who are dumb as worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I fear being perceived as dumb, as I made myself believe that I had to be smart no matter what, because I don't want to be worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I dont want to be perceived as being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I dont want to be perceived as dumb and therefore being perceived as worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask a question, because I fear being dumb and therefore worthless which I perceive a reason for people to treat me as unequal or may perceiving themselves to be superior to me, more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I have to ask something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, because I perceive asking to be unneccesary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask something, because I consider myself to be inferior to someone who already know the answer to the question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I ask something, because I consider myself to be less to someone who does already know, because I perceive knowing all to be the most powerfull thing you could have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear when I need to ask something, thinking this asking or the necessary to ask, makes me incompetent, not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask questions, and be treated as inferior to those who already know, as if I am less than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask questions and react with fear because I dont like to feel rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear when I ask a question, because I feel sad by the projection of being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear when I ask a question, because I fear being rejected and being hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear when I ask a question, because when I asked sincere question and have acted in and as courage, I was rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear of rejection, because I felt hurt when I asked maaike if she wanted to hook up with me and said no, feeling powerless and feeling like I have lost my dignity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when I ask a question, because I felt dumb and stupid and powerless, when I gathered all of my courage to ask something, which I was really afraid to ask but did anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear when I ask a question, fearing to be rejected even though its a honest and sincere question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking things, because I as a child had to ask for things and getting permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking things, because I fear not getting their permission and thus not being able to express myself witht he permission of someone else, thus stating I am inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking questions, because people have rejected me because I asked questions, which were not 'mine' to ask, or for which I was to 'young' or for which I shouldnt receive a proper answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear, when I remember being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear, when I ask a question, because I fear being rejected or being denied to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to ask questions, to which I know would be affirmative or confirmative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask questions to which I know the answer would be affirmative and confirmative, knowing in asking these questions I try to avoid feeling rejected or feeling inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to do things without them being affirmed or confirmed first by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to allow myself to express myself without my expression of myself being confirmed or affirmed by others, making my expression depenended on them, and therefore have to plan my expressions because they are relying on other people their judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move as myself in the moment as who I am and how to express myself as myself, because I am taught to ask permission first, because I am taught that without asking first, the consequences of you acting as that is non-desirable for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acting in the moment, because when I did this at my father his work and wrote his name on boxes, my father got furious, though I was only wanting to help him, and making things clear to others that my father has worked hard, and because of his reaction I feared him, because my motives were 'dumb' and non-desirable, and thus was I did was not good enough and being kind and helpfull from out myself as I thought it would be right or cool was a illusion,and therefore I could not trust myself as myself anymore when I wanted to do things on my own as myself without confirmation or affirmation of others that what I do, is good or desirable, not a reason to feel bad, or experience fear or feel inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acting as myself in the moment as myself, knowing that when I stand as myself as all, and see whats best for all, not only taking myself into consideration, I can trust myself as all I am in that moment, knowing only from there each reaction will lead or learns me to see what I have not seen, and this is not so when I stand only as myself in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, anger and frustration when people do things, to which I have not anticipated yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because I reacted in anger due to stress and things were complicated by others, such as my son.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards my son and express my anger towards him,because of the stress that I experience, due to my perfectionism, me thinking I have to prove myself and thus be perfect, and due to my lack of understanding why people do what they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid, because I have done things as writing on those boxes without taking into consideration how my dad would react or feel when I did that, only focusing on acknowledgement of him as who I am as thoughtful, but then experience my thoughtful ness to be rjected and thus i felt stupid.

What demons has taught me..

2009-07-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

Considering the last interviews en perpectives I have seen, extensive SF and forcing myself to be here, I realized the following..

I have programmed myself as an addict. I programmed myself in such a way that I could not see clear what I have programmed myself as. It didnt matter how much I read or how much profound knowledge I 'acquired'. All I acquired was that I could not see.

I have changed myself in several ways throughout this lifetime, trying to fit in the system. And the strangest thing, what I considered at first to be the greatest thing, was me balancing myself. Being in the middle of right and wrong. Forcing myself to stay there. Fighting against this opinion, then fighting against that opinion, just to remain stable as the both opinions but not actually choosing either one of them.

It was all I could understand at that point, how to create 'equality' how to create 'oneness' within myself and as myself. It worked for awhile and I was satisfied with the results. well, not really though, because It became hard, really hard.

Within this balancing of yourself you see that other people become a burden. They do anything they can to create a massive explosion of yourself. Taking you with to fun rides, or exerting their anger and somehow hoping therein you would snap.
But as you have dedicated yourself to remain as this balancing point of yourself, you are in a continous struggle. Fighting with the desire to 'snap', fighting with the feeling of enjoyment. And herein you find yourself as being most stable.

But in my experience, my programming, to be able to stay in this balancing point I had to stand as inferior. The reason why was simple. Both of the sides, both opinions, would mean I find myself as my opinion more superior. Therefore to choose either one, would mean being superior and I as myself didnt see that as the solution for an equal society.

So remaining as the balancing point of myself in order to take my responsibility to do whatever I 'could' do. I created much inner conflicts. These inner-conflicts were necessary for me to remain 'opinion-less' which equals 'balanced' from my understanding.

But this balancing of myself became a real burden. Because even from that point of view, I didn't fit in, I didn't fit in the system. So even being balanced from this point of view, I had one big fight going on. Me against the world-system.

What I have seen within 'demonic-events' is that people had a point of reference. They did what they did because of that, and now were exerting their total beigness as they were possessed or consumed by standing as the total sum of bad or either good. One point they hold onto, and really fighting or doing this with their total beingness. So it was 'best' to remain balanced to make sure you wont be doing that yourself.

But being 'silent'/'obedient' was not me. So while trying to stay balanced, you try to direct other beings as you. But you cannot be real directive or straight forward. Because In doing that I wouldnt remain as my balancing point-perspective of having to be inferior. So all you can do is try, over and over again, holding yourself back, because you may not lose yourself. And not losing yourself, wil become your discipline.

But inside, because things do not change, and you really do all you can to remain as this, you will boil from the inside. And you know, you have to control yourself, before its too late. You have to try harder, doing more your best. Remain in the middle, make sure you're stable as yourself. Because you know, If you would release yourself from that, if you desert this discipline. You have become Demonic yourself.

You experience this demon of yourself everyday. But you hold it within your body as the cage. You cannot unleash the beast, it would be against that all you have worked for. And to see equality and being self-honest, you begin to fight even harder, because now its not only remaining as the stability point, but also to fight with your demonic being, which is really you, yourself. And when you see that point, you know all you have to do is seek a way to trancend or remove this demon of yourself. The anger, the sadness, the regret, the pain, and though you know this is the only thing you can do from your perspective, each day, becomes harder, and harder, and the sadness, anger, and pain just keeps building up. But you cant give up. Its not even possible, though you sometimes wished you did.

Physically I became worse. Emotionally I felt worse. And now I see why this is.

Ingrained within and as me, I live two things. You cannot gain anything without giving something equivalent in return. And "I hate to waste things".

So what did I need to cage this beast within and as me? What did I need to remain stable? What did I need to save humanity/this world against myself?

Energy.

And where does this energy come from? By consuming the/my physical.

You cannot gain anything without giving something equivalent in return. So I did not see.. I sacrificed the physical, to create energy, and to use this energy, to contain myself, to fight against and for myself. This became gradually worse when I used THC for a prolonged period. I lived in this world, but couldn't live really. I didn't want to eat, and my physical appreance became worse, much worse.

I stopped using THC for a year now, but my physical appearance didnt improve. I felt the same, so in that I see the drugs wasn't to blame.

Now I see the following, in regards taking all the systems that exists within and as us, and the mind:

I'm an addict, which provides myself of drugs. I need this drugs to be able to control myself. I am dependend. I made myself depended. I made myself depended, because it was normal. Everyone did it, and because of that I could not see it as drugs. Everyone believes in this drugs, and everyones is using. To not use is even against your physical programming. You are programmed to automatically generate this drugs. This may be through pictures, through words, or even generating drugs by the use of drugs. You provide yourself of drugs,without being aware of it, and you are not aware of it, because it's normal. Nobody sees, but everybody knows. We are demons. Demons who are addicted. Demons who are depenended. We consume the physical to generate our drugs. Drugs that is needed for our mind. Drugs that is needed to control. Drugs that is needed to believe. Drugs that is needed to fight. Drugs that is needed to concentrate. Drugs that is needed to sport. Drugs that is needed to keep the flow of drugs constant. Drugs to keep us preoccupied. And because we are all on drugs, we cannot see that we use, how we use, or even how we provide ourself of this drugs. It's done automatically. Unless we see and stop. Unless we see how we create and generate our drugs. Unless we see what we sacrifice to keep something intact, that does not exist if we do not sacrifice the physical/ourselves anymore.

And yes, we are somewhat depended on this drugs, but use this drugs as selfsupport and make yourself stand up, and not allow yourself to be an addict. Be yourself, you don't need drugs, but how will you ever know, if you have not ever stopped this automatic cycle? There is only one way to find out. Step by step and move unconditional as yourself as the independed being of drugs. Lets rehab. Let's actualize ourselves as equals to the physical. Because where will we be, if there is nothing more to sacrifice?

From the perspective of saying: I hate to waste.. I see this somehow keeps my format of drugs using intact. I automatically generate drugs, but what if its already generated what to do? you will use it, just because you dont want to waste, and this keeps the cycle going. When I look further, I see I store energy, around my waste (fat). Coincidence?

And thus, I am my own demon now. Changing myself.

Today I drove my car and was singing, but I held back, I couldnt sing as myself. I said to myself: I need to express myself as my self-expression of who I am... And then I asked myself: How do I know what my self-expression REALLY is, if I do not stand one and equal as all?

So what have I taught myself? I can't really claim to express myself as myself and not as a mind consciousness system when I do not stand as one as all as equal.

So untill I do: I must consider myself as not being my true self, and keep changing myself until I'm one and equal to and as all. HERE.

update proces

2009-07-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

On friday I had a realisation. It was about seeing that all that I am, all that I was trying to hide, all that I see around me, has been self-abuse. Since friday, that day, I have major Diarrhea. Reminds me of the time when I had a stomach-collon infection when I was younger. I had to lie down all the time, otherwise I had to go to the toilet. It has not been this way luckily.

The realisation came through me thinking about the morning 'after alcohol'. That there were some structural things happening in me, and I have investigated it, seeing alcohol from the perspective of self-support. Something changed. But I cannot really say what. Maybe its the gratefulness for me being able to see what was going on within me and what my life thus far has been showing me.

Now its not over. And that maybe not really so cool to see. Theres this sadness that is in me, and someposts I read on desteni, that made some 'hope' flew away.

It really saddens me that we, I, fucked up so much.

I have been on a site, a dating site, since a while, not for dating purposes, but more to see what kind of people are there. The thing I liked the most was a forum, and it was only for a certain kind of people(systems). I Wrote in 2 days 8 articles about, who I am, Self-honesty, self-expression, self-responsibility, Self-movement. Oneness. Oneness and equality and self-exploration. Thus far it seems people dig it, thus I represent a lot of common sense. It was really nice to push myself through the resistance of sharing myself and our proces of self-realisation in oneness and equality as all. There will be much more.

At the moment Im really busy on the good&bad polarity construct. Its so extensive.

I havent have a buddy on desteni yet. I dont really know who to assist or support. It will come, otherwise I would just pick someones, as I must be able to assist and support all.

Well this is an general update.