Attic

Attictions / Addictions

Taking a closer look at addictions and the secret mind;

I was writing about being a slave to the past. Reliving things as if I were addicted to it.

When I speak or talk or write I still verbalize stuff within my mind.

Addict -- Attic

Looking at my home the attic was always a 'mysterious' place. Things where stored behind shelves, 'Secret' rooms to store old stuff, clothes and blankets. It was nicely covered with furniture which we could roll out in the front. And behind it was 'where' all the 'good' stuff was.

The Secret stuff, The forgotten stuff, The stuff hidden by being 'out of sight'.

There is stuff which you just dont want to throw away. Memories. Things of Personal value. A book which you might have bought when you were 5 yrs old or got from a friend and dont want to throw it away as it reminds you for this single moment of that event/happening back then.

I remember always the darkness and perceived 'ghosts' wandering in the dark in the attic. Even walking up to the attic I felt this creepyness within myself.

Sometimes I dared myself to face the stuff and play in the attic. Playing with this weird 'underbelly' feeling ready for the attack or a loud scream if necessary.

That's how I remember the Attic of the house I grew up. Now I sleep in the attic. No fear. Though writing this makes me really experience again those moments of paranoid fear.

There was a room in our attic, where the heating-thing was. When I was in the attic I imagined a man or something maybe coming from that room, hiding.

We must clean our attic, know and see without fear whats up in our attic. SF and let go. For some it might be the basement, but for myself the attic was the scariest room of my house. Home. Your Save Haven.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not feel save at home and feel restricted to enter certain regions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not feel save and feel restricted to enter certain regions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared for the attic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared for the attic because I felt like Danger there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared for the attic because I imagined all kinds of ghosts and people who wanted to hurt me being there in dustless forms.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of darkness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself ot hold on to the fear memories and experiences I had about the attic in my former house when I was a kid and felt defenseless against those who are formless and could be there to hurt you, as all stories about ghosts and shit werent that nice and was always spoken of out of fear or within the sense of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to the manifested fear experience within my underbelly when I were to do things such as entering a dangerous area.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to the things of my youth and place this within myself as a form of hiding within myself as cellular memorie which will pop up so once in a while.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live fear in such a way that it compromises me because I have experienced this fear so lively that I thought it was real should not be forgotten.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition myself according to fear and do not do things just to avoid the experience of myself as fear, not seeing that fear are mind projections and are here for the ingraining of mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compound the fear experiences within me by deliberate doing things that I feared but still holding on to this fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compound myself as fear and not letting go of a fear experiences when things do not happen as it is the fear of, maybe something MIGHT happen, and thus is valid for every new occasion.Unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link smoking to the experience of fear because I secretly smoked in the attic, so my parents werent there to find out.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link my experience of myself as fear to something secret as in secret I feared stuff but said I didnt fear any of it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fill myself with energy when I am in a state of allowed fear or suddenly arising fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resonate on a fear level and create fearful experience for myself which arent real and self-created.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create an experience of fear when I remembet the stairs to the attic as it was unstable and made noise, and thus I always had to sneak up to the attic in order to do my stuff there as investigating or climb upto the roof or secretly trying to smoke.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to intensify fear when I got caught by my mom for secretly smoking having to lie to save my ass, as her sounds resonated consequences which I wouldnt enjoy or were harmless.

I had a dream tonight.

I was going to the toilet somewhere at school.
I decided to sit down and saw that there was no door, so everyone could see me.
Though I did take a shit.

Then someone I knew walked by and said something, at this moment I was sitting in the toilet, with all this shit floating around. I felt embarresed. And I stood up to wipe the shit of my back. Then I saw I had not only shitted shit, but also a bunch of dead and still alive maggots.

I woke up, and couldnt let go of this dream, wtf, what did it represent?

The night before I wanting to go to sleep, but I was thinking about process, about the blog thats isnt finished yet.

I saw in that blog that I Fear, experience satisfaction through spitefull-action, because its dishonest, but I experience this. As for all things to trigger the right right pattern, I have to see the exact word. Seeing it now, it is also a answer wherein I justify, people deserving things because... The word that triggered was the word 'uitlokken'. In english this would be 'Luring out' as In, luring out emotions and reactions, luring someone out of their hiding place.

I do this structurally. Luring out emotions and luring out the real them in times where they think they are 'stable' and 'untouchable'. It gave me when I was young a real satisfaction, being able to see through people and catch them were it hurts, not only from a satisfaction point but also thatpeople represent themselves different than who they are.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to respect others their safety-zone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to respect others their safety-zone, though not even knowing to where there safety-zone reaches.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to probe safely where someone comforts zones run out.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to probe savety-zone of people through communicating in different manners to find out there weak spot.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing people through reactions I have caused, because I have abused the knowing of weakspots in the past, to get even with them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing people when they get to me, knowing am basing this behaviour onto the past, though when I am here, self-honest there is nothing that people could get to me, unless I am not stable as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing people and making them cry, because I have used their weakspots unconsciously and sometimes consciously to intimidate them and bring across a point, seeing that it has always been a point where they have deliberately disregard me as being their equal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear influencing myself as my process by being self-honest, as I see so much of myself which i am not clear in and as, knowing its my process and that i can take what I have created as maybe the outflows hasnt been serious, but still unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear unacceptability from others towards myself, where I am hurt in unacceptable ways.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear people being unacceptable to me, knowing this will only prolong if I keep accepting their unacceptabilities.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the luring out of things, so people are embarresed about themselves instead of making me an emberrasment for them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed for myself as process and how dedicated Iam to this, without any proof of why, just common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed about myself for walking a process while others continue with their 'lives'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed about myself as process as emberrasment brings out the worst in myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarresed about myself in sharing process with others, because I have said things without embarresment, while actually coming with bullshit, though it was the only way I could grasp the understanding of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel weak because of embarresment of myself, as I thought I had nothing to be embarresed about.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide embarresment instead of facing the point of embarresment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarressed if people see me doing something as 'perverse'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel embarressed for not being able to keep my word(worth).

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience embarresment for things I do as it suits the lived construct of being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience embarresment not seeing that this keeps me going as inferior/superior.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that embarresment is an interpretation of inferiority and thus is part or an outflow of the inferiority/superiority-construct.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that through the allowance of myself as embarresment I particpate within the inferiority/superiority-construct.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience pain in my stomach, and remembering myself where I was a kid and experience pain in my stomach, feeling it as crawling maggots within myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek salvation through the use of energy, knowing and realizing that salvation is Here through self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek salvation through the use of energy, instead of seeing that this energy is not infinite in nature and because I didt allow myself to take from myself as seperate, I took it from my own body, and the substance as food, not seeing that I am now am redapting as the physical in not using energy as I have used too.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to perceive the judge of myself as being seperate from myself as represented within my dream, perceiving be only as the 'to be judge' instead of seeing that I am the one 'who judge' through using and participating within the constructs of the mind and the mind itself.

I allow myself to digest things.

I allow myself to digest the things which are dishonest of myself and making sure that I will not allow such a thing again.

I experience some sort of stomach pain, as its swollen or full, too expanded.

Beliefs Better
Hale (hail the king?) Sleuren = dragging

How does this relate to the belief of 'better' this dragging?

The dragging of someone over the endline. It's better to drag people than to leave them behind.

Book: Social unequality

I experience myself dragging myself each day over to that point of flow. It's better than to leave things be.
I see that I through dragging myself to such a point trying to prevent unequality. I still perceive unequality as seperate from myself. As if there are outside sources to which I must stand equal too.

It feels like I drag myself to points to which I feel resistance or see unequality. As a string tide up to my stomach dragging myself forth. I perceive that also as better than, standing still, as standing still = stagnation.
I see points seperate from myself but do not experience it as being within myself as myself.

Like there is still a standard and I push myself towards this standard of how things are, but I do not stand here as myself. alone. The 'goal' is still there, not here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think its really noble of myself to stand equal to the unequals and wait till the unequals become equal, knowing that I will stand as unequality deliberate, but seemed to be the most honourable thing to do, as I understood that I was equal to the lowest point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate maintain my equality to the lowest point of unequality as this is my point where I feel and experience my perceived self, as my perceived self = inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I deliberate place myself in places where I am inferior, as this is my sense of self-worth and have been able to trust myself in a certain degree.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare my experience of self-worth as equal to the experience of myself as self-worth as inferior, facing the responsibility and 'schijnbaarheid' of myself within my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create projected scenario's about me being inferior and being dragged towards a point where I resisted myself to be there, and therefore created this resistance towards 'dragging' as all have to come from self-movement, without this deliberate dragging into a system as we now know it.

I am self-movement.
I am self-trust.
I am equality.
I am process.
I am progress.
i am all.

I allow myself to release and let go the memories of myself as who I was and how I experienced myself as equality.

Fear of influencing people for the worst.

I was replying on a spiritual dating site, where I subscribed to a long time ago. And i still so now and then reply to topics and stand within equality and oneness, being direct, though taking lots in consideration, as I feel myself now to be a sort of 'infiltrant' within their 'thing'.

I have discussions with older people allot, and I fear my influences. Meaning I know and see how I have influenced beings before and how influencial I can be. Though I stand for awareness of life, within and as equality and oneness, I still fear stuff.

Will this be for the better of all, if I say stuff which might fuck up their system?

This has been a real concern for me. I therefore create seperation according to their position as religion and age.

I fear creating mental problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating mental problems.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, as I perceived myself sick for feeling so seperate from all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear creating mental problems, as I could see the pain and injustice within such problematics.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, as I perceive myself to be not able to express myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become spitefull towards those with mental problems, as I couldnt see how mental problems were created.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, as I projected such an existence as lunatic, where I tried to make people listen but was disregarded because I didnt fit in fairy wonderland.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mental problems, by fucking up somebodys world as I project and imagine such pain where all is perfect and then gets broken down in just one conversation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebodies personal world, as I see within myself a certain satisfaction within that.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebodies world, as I do not trust myself as I see this satisfaction within myself lurking around, while doing what I do to bring awareness, I am still influenced by this, as supression doesnt mean real change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebodies world from a perspective of pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fucking up somebody entirely, as I see this point of satisfaction of seeing people suffer.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being mean, as this is me fucking up somebodys world, and linking this to the idea of inner satisfaction of evilness, and the satisfaction of a being who is finally able to see and regard other beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the satisfaction-experience of myself as pure evilness, because I have learned to deal with such dishonesty by making it justified, as this was the only way to give it an idea of purpose.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear myself as this experience, because its linked to charming effects on women, as they like slight bad and mysterious guys who gut something up their sleeves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear myself as becoming unattractive to women, when i would let go of myself as this self-created image, as I thought I couldnt be too nice, as they would experience no 'energy'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive evilness as something attractive, as I thought I lacked something and thus wanted to make myself more attractive by copying a self-created image.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive myself as evil, as I tortured a fly when I was a kid by pulling of its lack, and finding it somewhat funny, not considering a reason why I did that, I just needed to know that i was capable of doing such a thing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear experiencing satisfaction through being dishonest, because I reflected an experience of revenge seen in movies, where it was feeling well to get even on someone who was dishonest an dmaking someone unneccessary suffer.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a fear of of death, by reflecting myself as being a murderer.


I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a fear of satisfaction, as I have linked satisfaction to an act of revenge and evilness and getting even, as I do not experience a satisfaction other than that so extreme.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a satisfaction when I see beings spreading fear, as I perceive their 'projected' power because of that, knowing I am their equal and such capabilities, and therefore fearing my influence as I do not stand as equality as All yet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience fear of having to kill someone I love, means something to me, as projected injustice of life through zombie-horror movies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself for hating myself for having to ;kill; my dog, killing as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not stand equal to death, as death kills.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate death, as death kills, and seemed so injustice.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear creating perceived justice, where I justify things as justice but are but a injustice of myself.

I forgive myself that I h ave allowed myself fearing myself laughing behind somebodies back, because I see the dishonesty though seeing these actions within my youth to ease my experience pain.

Jealousy Celebs
splenetic "Heavy lifting" (zwaartillend)

If I look at Celebs, I see 'carefreeness'. No need to prove themselves as worthy, as they are already accepted by the elite and already accepted by lots of humanity. They do not have to worry about credibility.

I experience this experience of myself when I am on a forum, other than Desteni. They are in the mind and completely as the mind. I find it hard to reply without this experience of myself.

People always say that I am too heavy on myself, that I take things to heavy. This is true. But it's so automatic. Therefore I need more information to be able to stop this.

People deserve sufering because... (we have done this ourselves)
libidinous

How does that relate to eachother.. I am heavy on myself because I see there is a lot of things I could have done, if I only knew beforehand.
I am looking for an Experience which I perceive as libidinous, which is, my point of actual release. And because I havent been able to come to such a point of real actual release, I remained heavy burdend, because obviously there is something wrong, I miss something, therefore worrying, and holding on that I must suffer more, to do my best in finding this.

I see, I opened a new read topic of 'too late' that I fear manifesting stuff, which I might regret and say its to late, because I perceive non participation as having no-outflow, but this is just a justification, which I believe to really do nothing, I will do it 9 out of 10 times, but I hesitate still. I see this is directly linked to this experience.

I see.. I have come to my senses when I initially asked 'why', why this, why that, and because I havent forgotten, I experience that in all moments. I can certainly agree that the how is far more important, but if I didnt initially asked how and why, I wouldnt never known what I have actually known.

this is actually really simplistic, also if I look at communication, if I can only concentrate on the How, the why becomes irrelevant. I have always tried to explain the Why, Why things work as they work, not How things work and their outflow. I perceived that as they 'journey' Really it still is, but a less full of wonderment journey than I have walked. But then again, would this 'why' be so important to Have to? Would I like to experience people just as Me? No. Ok, first practical step here: How do Use the why, to ensure people to look for the same things that I have?

I create curiousity, I give them more information than actually needed.

How do I participate within that? I am semi loving, semi harsh, because I do not trust myself in manifesting other problems where in the 'why' is not such a cool experience to see. Eventually they will see they Why, but I must not be focused on their why's (ways) I must maintain my focus on the how, as that are practical workable answers i can give myself to work with, and the rest, is just floating around and used for fear and regret, blame etc.

Y/N: Has this been sufficient: Y

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire a carefree life, knowing I will never be able to travel back in the past, and undo my knowing by not knowing as that would be the only way to be 'carefree'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire a celeb-life, so I can hold on to my desire to not have known.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look up to carefree lives, knowing I see my responsibility and I can never unknow myself from that what I know through seeing it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire a life of ignorance, as this wouldve made me see what responsibility I had all along, instead of 'hoping' for such a responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ignorance, because I have been burded with things people normally dont see.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself that I got what I wished for, true responsibility.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I have seen and experience my responsibility through an inferior construct and thus linking it to all my experience within and as inferiority, instead of seeing that I stand equal to the responsibility that I see within myself, I didnt get more than I could actually handle.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I can take on that what I know and have seen, and therefore create an understanding as the hows in the word so slowly but surely all get to the point of their actual responsibility, Self does not allow to give more than one can handle.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to regrets, because the answers to the why's were to shocking and unrelax, fearing seeing the more 'why's' if this aint all, instead of seeing that I wont get more 'why's' answers if I cant handle myself here as practical application as life itself. I got the understanding and see the hows, first set myself here as the How as to what I know and more will reveal in due time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with the why's, because nobody could actually answers the why's and seeing my why answer being confirmated through desteni made me aware that it was real and horrible to know.

I accept myself as what I know.
I do not hold on to inferiority and fuck myself over, by the perception that I cannot handle it.
I accept that the 'desired release' I was waiting for will never come, as this is where I am and this is the responsibility I have. Now focus on the How's and see what might open up later, as the acceptance is less hurting, than wishing things away.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I have been given to much t o handle, knowing self is self and self can handle self, is self wants to be self and not more than self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to creep on myself with thoughts of why things, knowing I know why, now asking how to continue without the known of unreversal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to creep on myself as the mind, replaying words and shit over and over again, because I perceived myself to be to weak to handle it, knowing and seeing, I handle that what I can handle, and will in self-honest information providing never give more than one can handle, as this is the responsibility of self.

I forgive myself that I use the mind to reflect on certain outflows where I see outflows where I might be wrong or right, seeing that I do this as self, and if Self is reading this, self only takes in what self can handle.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive my nurture skills through the mind and use this as morality as to why I should do things, not on HOW I should do things.

I release myself of the Why in according to the Saviour construct.

I accept myself as the saviour of myself.

I am self-acceptance.

I am self-trust.

I am self-responsibility.

I am the practicality of self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make things to hard for others, because I perceived the why as more important as the how.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to make things hard on myself, as I trapped myself in why and self-pity, instead of how to stand up and live.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to see that I have difficulty having relationships, instead of seeing that I didnt allowed myself to see the way in practical assistence, but only the why, and since the why caused much irrelevance, I denied self-enjoyment and myself as living-application.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself as sharing on forums other than desteni, because of perceived reactions, Seeing I am doing things self-honestly, and that the outflow of such situations are for the benefit of all, even when this is self-inflicted pain as I have shared myself as self-honesty and take responsibility for self-honest communication. I do not allow myself to go into self-inflicted pain through projections of outflow, and wanting to walk process for them, I cant I accept that.

I accept that I cannot walk process for other beings.

I accept myself as self-assistance within sharing myself with others within their process, keeping it self-honest, expressing it self-honest, and do not allow myself to manipulate to keep them from teh truth of themselves through word manipuation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to bring people to an understanding, but not wanting to take responsibility for them being able to fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to prevent beings from being able to fuck up, thus walking their process instead of them walking on their own, and use the fuck ups to wake up, as that causes understanding in and how the fuck ups are/were created by them and them alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I must suffer for people, because I dont think all beings deserve to suffer, only those who participated, and since we all really participated, I can let go of this self-defeating thought, as I am just as accountable as anyone else for this existence. Knowing or unknowing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that people who know, have more responsibility than others, knowing that this is bullshit, as they have been responsibile themselves for not asking and not explorering, though happily participating and using thing, noone has more responsibility within equality and oneness, not even I, and thus I can let go of the idea that I alone have been responsible, and therefore must save the world, existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel burdend, because I have allowed myselft o believe that I am the only one who knows, and that all people are here more to bring me down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people deserve to suffer, as suffering feels only natural to me, and perceive myself to have become a better man.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people must suffer because I have become a better man through that, knowing this is just a opinion to make myself feel good about my suffering as this is the way i walked and have came to insights, not perceiving this to be also possible in a world where none have to suffer.

I Forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people deserve to suffer to come to insights, not seeing that beings sometimes must suffer for them to be able to see there pure form of deceit and greediness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to see that I have used the mind to create a world of suffering for myself, as I knew that I can only see what suffering means if I suffer for real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I must live as suffer, knowing its now a pattern of myself, which was the only mean to realize suffering without going through an actual life of real suffering, better here, and correct myself than having to do something later, because I cannot face the pain, seeing within this I have taken the direct princple to understand myself as suffering and that I through that see self-honestly and can see common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to perceive myself as unchangeable, because I have always said, I will never change, not seeing what change really meant, and what change actually implies, and not seeing that through the idea that I am 'unwilling' to change I create friction within myself as I am Change, continously and stable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to forget my startingpoint when I reflect on certain situations, all bringing it down to self-defeating experiences, knowing that the intent has been fucked with my dishonesties, and that I have to get to the dishonesties, but leave myself as this intent, as I had placed me already in living-expression as this intent, but havent been able to unconditionally living it, and thus therefore the intent was deceit in the beginning though, not only to serve myself, but to make their lives better as well.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to punish myself mentally through creating experiences within me, because even though I have allowed myself to bring myself to an understanding of equality and oneness, my practise wasnt absolute, blaming myself for learning how to be, which is ofcourse nonsense and self-defeating.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to punish myself mentally when I perceive other beings having formed a resistance towards me, as this punishment suits myself as standing inferior, and not seeing what is actually going on.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that when people have created a certain resistance towards me, they have not been self-honest.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that when I have a resistance towards somebody, I have not been absolutely self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek fullfillment as an experience of total extacy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create a projection of what fullfillment really is.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that fullfillment is me as 100% self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I used the inferiority construct to create an experience-based definition of fullfillment.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I find it so normal to think that people deserve things, knowing that this is a conditioning of pain vs reward.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience jealousy towards other beings, because I project my 'needs' in their 'haves'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealousy at celebrities, if I project my needs as their haves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealousy, because I projected self-acceptance as something where you are 'loved' and envied by allot of other peeps.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealous at celebrities, because I projected the xperience of fame, as self-acceptance and a reason to accept self-contentment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealous at celebrities, because of the influence they can have.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be a celeb, so I could have more influence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold on to the idea of my desire to be a celeb and have influence, instead of realising that it is also related to the fear of influence, as I see self-responsibility and created fear for self-responsibility because I experienced myself and accepted myself as inferior and thus always having the wrong influence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to fear influencing people, knowing that I will only influence those who allow themselves to be influenced, and that standing in equality and oneness, and having a position of influence, will be acceptable, if I honour myself as life and honour life as all.

I was taking a piss and observed my piss returning to earth. I looked at it and thought: Shouldn't I give it attention? An Intent? With other words, shouldn't I consciously imprint a specific intent within it?

So I stopped within myself and looked at intent..

Why work with intent?

Working with intent is an indication of seperation. So it's an indication of Self-Dishonesty. Why?

What has been the startingpoint of people working with intent?
Consciously Attracting - Consciously Manipulating - Consciously 'concentrating on an outcome'.

Consciously = Seperation

So Why Self-Dishonesty?
Because it's manipulating. Placing your own 'will' into matter. Imprinting it with energy so it fits your 'mind'.

Equality and Oneness = Input=Output

So if you need to 'concentrate on the output' the input is not equal to yourself as who you are.

So if one is consciously manipulating an outcome by intent, you know that you are dishonest. Because if 'who you are' = Absolute Self-Honest Equal and One = Output Equal to yourself. No Conscious intention needed. So working with intention, intent, shows you are not fully self-honest, as you can only give 'who you are'.

So indentify the intentions that you have and work by, face the dishonesty and change yourself so its equal to yourself in self-honesty, consider the equality between you and another, as things can only be self-honest, if this is best for all.


False Pride = Inferiority/Superiority-Construct = Self-Acceptance
Conceit = Survial-Construct = Self-Acceptance - Look at Openness - Vunerability
Resentment = Hate/Love-Construct | Victim-Victimizer
Jealousy = Hate/Love-Construct | Fear-Construct | Greed/Dependency/Comparison/expressions
Suspicion = Survival-Construct | Fear-Construct = Self-Acceptance/Self-Trust
Distress = Fear-Construct = Self-Stability/Self-Directiveness

My Experiences with SRA so far

Since Nov I am participating in the SRA.

We have not much stuff to work with, first month really more establishing effective communication with the muscle.

Since two days I have lesson 2. Which is working with information.

I tried 3 sessions already and finding a way to comfortably walk through the information.

All I can see now things look great as I can support myself now more directly. I will work through more points and eventually start making vlogs, this will be fun.

Ray

I live in and as Two worlds

Today I found out that I was still not standing as t he words: self-directiveness.

I was really tired, not so much sleep and a burial. So I went to bed.

I dreamed about me being sick, and that I had a really hard piece of flesh at the solar plexus, like a flat tumor only in the flesh. I was feeling this and supprised. I doubted my application of SF and how I have been living. My mother and sister where then in the room. And they compared my body to that of my dad.

(my dad recently died, but in my dream i was the one who was more sick then my dad, he was quite ok)

And my mom was saying stuff about my body where i went in a : omfg-mode, this is real, I gonna die. Not really scared, but mad and suprised that it has come this far.
i saw my dad standing next to my sis, and I was thinking like: WTF how can this be, my dad is dead, how can he stand there?

I slowly drifted back to the awareness of the my real human physical body. And then It striked me. It was so real! I was living in two worlds at the same time. In the one I am applying myself Here as corrective application and standing one and equal to the physical, and in the other one I am full of doubt and fear and comparison. I saw that In the physical Here, I apply myself as self-directiveness But not really seeing how. In the Mental There,, I do not feel any self-directiveness, I feel lost and weird and fearful.

I saw Again the realisation of myself as where I am moving towards and becoming: Singularity. One World. And that I have to apply SF and corrective aplication as this one world, to integrate the lessons I learn from this Second World.

I was still tired and asked myself to why beings find it so normal to compare eachother with another. Was it that beyond this all, we know we are Really One and Equal, but didnt see how and in what Extent?

I drifted back into sleep, with another dream, but this I cant remember, All having to do with death, as I have been to a burial today, just 2 weeks after I buried my father.

I had difficulty remaining here and not getting mad at the church-thing. How people believe we BELONG to God, and that the church uses the fear of so many good-willed people to be and become fearfull beings always in the waiting row for death and judgement. I breathed through it. I 'Saw' the Here, But I couldnt stand as Here, I was only here as breath, but not as the entirety of myself as breath, Here.

I still have a question in regards to what I have experienced one day.

I stood still for a moment, and all the world looked mechanical. I saw everything walking accordingly, no doubts or questions, they did things because they were programmed to do so. Asleep within. I got scared that I now really lost grip on reality, because I didnt feel a thing at all. I saw. No emotion or feeling. But I brought myself back to where I was able to 'feel' again. Because it just didnt seem right. I asked myself for years now if it was because of the drugs or attainment level through meditation, was I experiencing the HERE of myself as a Complete system, Complete seperation, As manifested God, the one who was aware?
They had a name for this it resembles the 'syntoms' of : Solipsism

I Also had A Time, where i didnt feel myself breathing though I was, I was directing myself in and as the breath, though I didnt feel anything anymore, not even the out or inbreath. This was scary too, So I brought myself again 'back'.

As far for these questions, I realize again the process of our becoming of in and as singularity.

I didnt feel self-directiveness, because I was applying myself in two seperate worlds, Not really seeing what I was doing. And "Where" I was.

I will do SF as this realisation and release the doubt existing within me if I am on 'track'.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live the realisation of the process of singularity within each breath and get lost in and between the both worlds, instead of choosing the physical in and at all times.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live the realisation of the process of singularity within each breath, because I didnt want to see that I was living in two seperate worlds and what the process was really about.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live as the realisation of me as singularity, because of this other world I live in or sometimes stand in between.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been standing and functioning as a balancing point between the physical and the mental not choosing where to express myself and how to express myself because I couldnt see what Iw as doing and standing as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds who are in a collision course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowedmyself to live in two seperate worlds who are in a collision course, where the physical will remain and I am still choosing to hold on to both as I didnt know what to do about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two worlds at the same time, without noticing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two worlds at the same time, and me trying to balance them so that the collision of these worlds will be delayed or somehow slowed down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds where in one world I just am, and in the other world I must be superman, not choosing sides, but asking myself and doubting myself which world to choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds where I fight for both, because I cannot tell the difference which one is real, because to me they are both so fucking real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in two seperate worlds, because I find it scary to choose either one, because I do not want to give things up and seeing after that it has all been a waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I live in and as two worlds, and why I have difficulty with myself HERE, because parts of me are scattered all around these world, and there is no real feeling to choose from or a list which world one should live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must hold on to the worlds, because I dont want parts of me being missed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must hold on to the worlds I live in, because I dont want or can afford myself to miss a part of my beingness going lost or to waste within the transition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must hold on to the other world, because I have devolped myself within that world, and things were working for me there, now seeing I have to go back to where I started and integrate that in the world that I understand now to be illusionary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop such self-trust in the other world, that I have difficulty standing as Self-trust in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympatize my holding on to the ilussionary world, because I have become so skilled within that world that I fear ending up, feeling and being nothing anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympatize my holding on to the illusionary world, because I had such big plans for myself which are in the physical and without a mcs quite the biggest bullshit stories ever imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to the illusionary world, because I have only known the other world by looking at it from the world I created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to the illusionary world, because I cannot image what it will be like when its gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to the illusionary world, because in this world I really meant something to my own standards and wanted to invite all into my world of perceived unconditionality, but was in fact a world of good camouflaged conditionalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to this illusionary world where I fear and created and fitted all emotions and feelings in so that it would be 'good' and 'right' from my perspectives and standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sympathize my holding on to my illusionary world, because in the real world my memories and intentions mean jack shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and imagine what it would feel like to be completely equal and as the physical, knowing I cannot know or see this I have to do this to see and completely let go of my illusionary world of great make beliefs wonders and fairytales, songs and dances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and imagine what it would feel like to be completely equal and as the physical, knowing I can not do this as all will be illusionary, I have to be, not to think and wonder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the loss of wonderment within my life when I give up my illusionary world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the consequences of the loss of wonderment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the consequences when things will never be the same again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the consequences of my actions without even seeing what it is what is really here as consequences, because I have shaped and fitted all consequences right and perfectly within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the illusionary world a world of where I am as my b eingness and not of pretence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the illusionary world of a world where I accepted and loved by all, and that no pretence could exists because only for the right people skills would open up, and those who are willing are able to 'get' these skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I will experience myself, knowing that the current experience of myself is of only two worlds, one I do not see full, and one I see full but is illusionary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that my application is quite effective as my illusionary world gets emtied out more and more, but feeling empty because I perceived that illusionary world the world of my true beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that things will be easy when I have completely undone myself from my imaginary world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my second world, because I fear becoming totally dishonest in ways Ihave not imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my second world, instead of seeing that the fear of becoming totally dishonest as who I am here in and as the physical is just a justifcation, an excuse to not give it up and live Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the imaginary world, because I do not know what lies beyond imigination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not caring anymore when I let go of the imaginary world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not caring anymore about my parents if I let go ofthe imaginary world, because I have not seen the real I here as the physical as and in its totally so I think about doom scenarios, just to justify myself being here as this 'omhulsel van twee werelden'.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and about my beingness and what I have to do and stand as.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and my preoccupation within my former lives.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and preoccupation within my former lives, so i can use that as blame and as cause to stay within my imaginary world, because in becoming the physical all of that is not valid anymore and gone and useless.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in stories about myself and my preoccupations so I can correct myself in where I went wrong, seeing now I have completely missed the boat and that I have to reconsider everything again as who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live thoughts, because thoughts was all I could trust.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live projected feelings, because that was my understanding of myself as purity and sincereness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live projected feelings and emotions towards others because that was my understanding of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself by attaching a feeling to the word unconditionality, instead of seeing that unconditionality isnt even a feeling, its a realisation.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en toegelaten heb om zoveel dingen welgeemnd te zeggen zonder dat ik echt begrepen had in hoeverre ik mezelf een perfecte slaaf gemaakt heb van mijn eigen kunnen en doen.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to talk about shame, not seeing I am the one who shouldnt be ashamed for what I did, I did all in the perfection of myself and have manifested myself almost as my own perfect slave.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to say that the physical is nothing, because when I experienced hurt and sorrow it was within the physical not seeing that it was my perfect entrance to welcome myself into my imaginary world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to say that I am nothing, seeing what I have been able to do on my own and almost perfected myself as my own slave which is what one could call quite an achievement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a world within inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a game that is so serious and that is taken so seriously, as I am seriousness in its totality as it is pure self-dedication in what I do and stand for.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have build my world of illusions and imaginary things since a young age, and that I have had the possibility and ability to create this world so perfect and fervently to my understandings and who I am as self-dedication and giving things all up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to flirt with the idea that I should stick to my creation, as it is my perfect creation of enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn, as this was my willingness to dedicate all that I do to self, not seeing how I have been fucking with myself and dedicate myself to fuckedness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flirt with the idea that I have to continue in a wolrd of illusions to experience that ultimate energetic experience within sex, seeing I enjoy sex less and less and it becomes more and more dull, energized by some hope that each time me be a real time release of myself of who I truley am, and feeling deceived after each participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive expression as energy expressions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that real expressions are real intens energetic movements.

Being Sick

Being sick is not fun. It influences your application and the freedom of yourself as movement. Its a reason for people to make fun of you, or be digusted by your body. You can not roll with everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that unfun things happen to you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have fun, because of the fear of sickness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have fun and therefore fear being or becoming sick.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that if I am not having fun, it means that I am out of the picture, because its 'normal' to have fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sickness, because I do not perceive events where I could enjoy myself or really have fun, or being filled with extacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have fun, and because I do not experience myself as having fun, I think I am sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to create a world without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where everybody is happy, because I perceive myself to be sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where I am not there, because I perceive myself to be sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where I can look at everyone within enjoyment, and without me because I 'am' sick.

Sick, S - Ick , Sonder Ick, Zonder ik , = Without I.

I forgive myself that I have come to a world where I perceive myself not to have any place within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have come to a world where I shouldnt be.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the possibility that I have been positioned wrongly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a possibility that I have might made a choice to be the man who I am today, here, perceiving himself sick, ready to remove himself, just because it seems I cannot cope with others and enjoy myself as they are able to do.

"I had a really hard piece of flesh at the solar plexus, like a flat tumor only in the flesh."

Tumor - Humor
Solar Plexus - My city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself away by denying myself of Humor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a world without humor, which seems so unme, so impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, as I was tired to perceive myself as the clown of the nation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, as I was tired of this emptiness within me, while laughing and seeing more people gather around me just to experience some fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, because I perceived myself to be missing something, as this emptiness and doubt couldnt fill me up and my hollowness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as humor up, because that seemed the moral way of dealing with myself when I came aware that this world was nothing to laugh about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up as humor, because it seemed only moral to do such as thing, and if that was necessary I would do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and work with a moral-construct and apply this to myself as self-enjoyment and humor, because I saw that I had sometimes very sly comments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and work with a moral construct, and deny myself of self-enjoyment because of my slyness, due to shyness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have been trying to cover up my shyness by becoming slyness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have a tendency to rhyme within my lifestyle and how I must act accordingly, because that is how I created myself I see in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that I have holding on to myself as this idea that I do not exist as humor, because my humor was something false and hurtfull.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as self-enjoyment and as the humor that is me, that is equal and one, and self-honest.

I am self-honesty.
I am self-enjoyment.
I stop the moral-construct.
I stop existing as morality.
I am.
I am Here.
Life.

My mother and sister where then in the room.
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize the self-nurturement that I am.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted myself as Caress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the shyness of my mother and sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the uncertainty that I see within my mom and sis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom and my sis, for abandoning me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom and sis, because they have done things to me, which I found so "irradical". (dunno this word just came up)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the experience of myself where I felt abandoned by my mom, and abandoned by my sis, and the abandonement of my sis towards my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that great deal of my life revolves around the fear of abandoment, and the hate towards those who abandon.

"And they compared my body to that of my dad."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to my fathers, because I am taller than he was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to my fathers, because he didnt had the same diseases as I had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my dad, because he died recently and that felt like an abandoment.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my dad, because I smell like him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my dad, because we bothe njoyed laughing very much and very loudly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there was something wrong with my dad, because he could laugh about things that werent funny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my dad is myself at a further stage in life back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my dad, because it looked that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever having to replace my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming like my father, because I wanted more out of life, I didnt want to work only, and I didnt want people having to be proud of me for my accomplishment, I wanted to be me, not my dad.

I let go of the comparisment between my father and I and the humor that seemed so similiar.

I forgive myself that I h ave accepted and allowed myself to judge my dads humor, because he was my dad.

I accept myself as humor.
I accept myself as the stable factor within my life.
I accept myself as life.

"And my mom was saying stuff about my body where i went in a : omfg-mode, this is real, I gonna die."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dieing, because it a sign that I killed myself.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I always knew we were killing ourselves, but that I didnt know exactly how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and hold on to the idea that curiosity kills, as I perceive myself to be curious.

"i saw my dad standing next to my sis, and I was thinking like: WTF how can this be, my dad is dead, how can he stand there?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the disbelief that the mind is picture based and the dimensions is totally black.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the disbelief that the dimensions is not picturebased somewhat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the disbelief that I have forgotten all about myself in the dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project deceased people as pictures so I can see it within the minds eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have forgotten about my statements as life within my previous SF-series.

I am life.
I accept a reality that is not picture-based.
I accept myself as a being that is not picture-based.
I accept myself as myself.
I accept myself without a mind consciousness system.