My New Blogspot

I have created a new blogspot. This one will remain intact as this is how my process began and progressed.

Thanks.

My new blogspot is: http:\\reginalddiepenhorst.blogspot.com

Dus ik ging slapen en begon mijn lichaam te voelen equal and one.
Ik voelde een warmte rush as in een soort van streep op mijn achterhoofd. Ik realiseerde dat ik indertijd veel moeite gedaan heb om systemen te integreren en dat het waarschijnlijk ook niet moeiteloos gaat om ze te uitegreren. (integreren - in de gratie van)

Ik had een droom, waar ik mezelf leidde naar een soort van achteraffe industrieterein. Met een winkel.

Ik stond in de winkel en er waren twee meisjes. Eentje was een beetje afstandelijk en de andere was meer outgoing. In mijn gevoel. Maar ik merkte dat ik in de gratie viel van beide dames.

Toen we een stukje liepen om wat te regelen en de blonde erg dicht bij bleef staan, en haar gezicht er dicht bijd em ijne was, kuste we elkaar. Hierdoor stootte ik de ander voor het hoofd.

Dit vond ik uiteraard niet leuk, maar wat was ik te doen?

Nu het punt van het bezoek was het retourneren v an dvd's, die terugegebracht konden worden. Maar op het een of ander moment konden ze niet meer geretourneerd worden omdat ze niet in het systeem stonden. Ik zag dat ik een beroep wilde doen op de vergaarde gratie van de dames, wetende dat het in het gevoelsmatige terein beter voor mij had kunnen uitvallen, als ik niet gekust had met de blonde.




Ergens heeft deze droom raak vlakken met de woorden: Voordat de haan kraait, heb jij mij drie keer verloochend.

Bij het schrijven van deze droom, kwam een specifieke herinnering in mij op. Een herinnering uit Tunesie.

Er kwam een keer aan de tafel een blonde vrouw die vroeg of ik mee ging met hun naar het casino, want een van de dames waarmee zij was vond me wel leuk.
Dit was een blond en donkerharig meisje.

Ik wilde eigenlijk niet omdat ik ze niet kende, en alleen pas 1x gezien had.
De blonde viel me op omdat ze net als ik een beetje wat stoms zou doen , ze was in het zwembad gesprongen dat gewoon echt te koud was. Ik vond dat wel cool aan haar.

Maargoed ik was in geen mate fysiek aangetrokken tot hen, ze waren gabberinnetjes.

Het bleek dat het meisje met donker haar mijleuk vond. Maar omdat ik een voorkeur had voor blond, keek ik de kat uit de boom. Maar de blonde investeerde meer aandacht en tijd in mij om te zorgen dat ik het leuk had en me op mijn gemak voelde.

De donkerharige was erg afstandelijk en chagerijnig.

Ik herinner me terug te lopen met de blonde, en dat de donkerharige op een afstandje zich zat af te zonderen en vroeg waardoor het kwam. Zo was ze altijd, zei de blonde.
Ik wilde haar er graag bij betrekken, omdat ik me wel enigsinds lullig voelde. lullig omdat, zij mij leuk vond. En ik het meer naar me zin had met de blonde.

Hoewel ik me een aangetrokken begon te voelen tot de blonde, en zij mij uitnodigde om naar hun kamer te gaan, wimpelde ik hen af, door te zeggen dat ik nog graag even bij mij familie wilde zitten.

Hierna is daar nooit meer wat van gekomen. We zijn nog wel op de foto geweest met elkaar,maar die tekende hoe het was, een blonde, en een chagerijnige brunette.

Wat ik hier nu mee moet doen is mij nog niet duidelijk behalve dat ik equal and one moet staan en besluiten moet wat hiermee te doen.

Resentmentality in relation to knowing stuff.
I have an resentment to people who know quite a deal. Meaning that they know more or some more specifics than I do, which they can use in relation to fuel their startingpoint , their justification of an certain opnion or mentality.

This is somewhat fucked up, as within this I want to be able to overrule their 'specifics' to bring across that what I want them to establish for themselves.

Then looking in wanting them to establish things for themselves is within the consideratio nthat when they do not establish that point of equality within them, we will be unequal on standing ground, and I have to take action, which I rather do not do, as this entails also leaving people behind me, from the perspective that they cannot walk with me in the extent that I wanted them to walk with me.

I observe this within and as a picture form which I just described within myself as an oiled machine, wherein both person work as oiled as possible, as efficient as possible. Bring out that which is required for both to walk as fast as possible.

I give myself room to slack within this, because I 'like' people. And unequality as standing ground makes me seperate or makes us seperate from eachother was what we are going to walk. And within that I see that I can decide within that moment to walk with them, and in some form wait for them to open up, realize it, until we both can walk the same procedures.

Meaning that even though I see that I walk this process alone, I complicate my process in such an extent that I allow myself just to wait till everyone is finished, standing in line, until they 'get' it.

This is the most literal picture-show I can give: Waiting in line, seeing you can just step out of the line, and walk towards the spot you want to be, but don't, because, you 'walk together' from your perspective.

We have a saying: Together going out, Together going home.
And this is what fuels me within this specific construct. This is honourable in lots of ways, but not self-honest in lots of ways.

So in not wanting leave somebody behind, though you push, you have to wait, that is what this is saying with me.

Resentment.

I can write this as an introspective piece of self-exploration, but this will not be the case. I will be writing this as I would actually write it to another person.

You know. Within intropection everything makes sense, and you will not use the 'analogies' that you really live, you can only find the analogies by actually expressing yourself towards one or a person.

I found this when I chatted yesterday with someone and was explaining my situation, my inner experience to/towards an certain aspect. What was not cool from the perspective that I totally didnt see the point, but quite revealing that I have lived a 'secret' deep resonating pattern, which I experienced as just 'normal'.

You know Normal are things where you have alligned yourself completely with.

The thing I said in that moment reflected a part of me which I hadnt considered in a while. Resentment towards beings who I perceive have\had an easier live than I had.
Its not that I felt it in that way, or in those words. But it was an actual expression within words, as what I experience within myself.

It's not that I have to live things consciously to make that a reality of myself, the unconscious/subconsciouspart of me is also the actual reality of myself as how I live, and though I was not really 'consciously' living this statement, I was living it nonetheless.

Intriguing one might say, and it is, its intrigiung from a perspective that in seeing it, having created an awareness of it, I can actually stand up from within it, change it, as it is not what is best for all and what's best for self.

Now, there are again two ways of dealing with this, thats seeing the actual projections to towards another, but I found that the rresentmenet I experienced wasnt that connected to towards another, it was towards myself. Like I am actually have resentment to/towards myself, and enclosed that within my beingness and seeing that part of me, as a 'part' of me. As who I am for eternity. Which is quite fucked up when you think about it, because we all know that resentment wont take us anywhere.

So now there is this awareness, and I am writing about it, what can I do about it?

The first thing I as bilingual have to do is see If I understand what Resentment really entails. I have 'saved' this words as resentment, the definition, the meaning of this word resentment within an energetic experience. Meaning the definition is not here as words, but as an experience, where I feel the word, but dont have the clarity to put that experience within words.

Then just looking at this word: Resentment, and trying to understand it, I see the following within myself: Re-Sent-Ment

Re = is an cycling occurance, an repition of something, something that will happen again.
Sent = the past and finalized word of : Sending. So it has something to do with 'sending'/'Giving'/'Messaging'/'Bringing'. It's an act of transference of one location/person to another location/person.
Ment= when I compare it to some more words, which is also within the inclusion of this word, like Base-ment, Depart-ment It's like a 'Establish'-Ment. Like A Setpoint. A place/point from where you see/view things. If I would bring this in formation with psychological perspectives. It's that point from where your perception will be influenced by/depended on. Your wor(l)ds view. Your Mentality.

Which brings me to the understanding of myself as how I can put 'Resentment' in my own words/comprehension. "Resentmentality"

This is quite a cool observation, because when I experience 'Resentment' is when I keep 'Re-sending' stuff. Putting an effort to change things, or get things done, but it has to be re-sended because it got lost, was not understood, needs more effort from my perspective to get this thing accross.

Now I looked at the picture representation of this word Resentment, and it is like a Mentality of Circeling. Coming across the same point over and over, doing the same things over and over, while it get's you nowhere, but in an other place/spot within this circle.

Imagine that you want to cancel your cell-contract and you have sent the proper information to the proper adress. And it gets lost. All you want is this contract to stop, but you have to resend the material, untill someone does something about it or that it doesnt get lost. The resentmentality is where you are within the cycling of sending, resending. Getting each time even angrier, because you know it, couldve been different, but that difference isnt here manifested. The experience you have within this, is maybe one dimension of Resent-mentality. As it also involves, you in the position where you tell someone to re-resent, to re-cycle, to re-walk because you dont want to put effort in things, Or from pure necessity. Then also look at blame, jealousy, where you are re-circling. Re-circeling to get something -> creates or impulses Resent-ment.

I was busy rearranging my computer. There were two specifc things I want to write about.

I was the whole week busy, or rather the last two weeks busy checking everyday when the new Samsung F4 Eco-drive would come out. I wanted a 2TB drive to replace my other 3 drives. This with an obvious reason: efficiency.
Though the drives were expensive, like 100€+, so I wanted wait for the drive I actually wanted.

But this nagging experience within me, having myself already set to buy a 2TB drive so that it would consume less power made me move myself to just buy a 2TB drive right now to stop the continous waiting on this F4 drive as it would be uncertain what the costs will be and the performance.

I went to computerland, which was not my preffered shop because it was not as cheap as an other place, and I had a choice between 2 disks. One which spins at 5400rpm and one that spins at 7200. I wanted also a quiet disk, but the difference between the both was just 10€ so I decided to take that one. I needed to sort this shit out (the multiple drives and extensive unalignment of information on my computer).

In the car I was not happy, I was feeling kinda shitty. Why? I was wondering about if I paid to much for the drive. It was not the one I actually wanted. How would it perform? Would I be happy with it?

I decided to compare the price with the price the other shop would give me and if it was 'more cheap' then I would return the disk. But I didnt ask if that was possible. I would be possible right?

Then I decided in that moment that I would not return the drive if the difference was less than 20€. 20€. thats 2 hours of work. Thats fucked up. I imagined also what to feel if the drive was more cheap where I bought it than at the other store. What would I do?

These people in this shop also needed to survive, so what if all returned their goods you know?

I pondered about that for a while, and felt being trapped within this consumeristic mind-set. If you ask why, it is only because I bought something expensive, which was necessary, but also not really really necessary, but it wouldve been necessary in the future. Thats why I also didnt bought a 1tb or a 1.5tb, because now I bought something that fitted that what I want, durability. Though a bit more power consuming than I initially had set for myself, but its ok, it would consume less than 3 drives, doesnt it?

Then something came to me when I thought about the money. Consumerism... Capatalism.
Capatalism= Time is(costs) money. Which made me see that consumerism is actually: Money Costs Time. That why I am being such a cheap-ass all the time, and feel bad when buying something expensive, because I dont see money, I see time. I saw now how I was trapped specifically within Consumerism, which was fascinating.

I saw that it was actually kinda cool to talk about on a video. Seeing we are focusing on shit that costs us, and so seeing the points where money actually buys something, thus where money buys time, you will see that something isnt right. It doesnt fit the system. Or maybe better said, it doesnt fit my system. It doesnt fit my system because of money, as money only costs, and never brings really something but than an upgrade of what I had already. So I was kinda like 'cool' I realized and see the actual point of self within the capatalistic/Consumerism-Design.

Now I was busy cleaning up the disk, and wrote 'process'. An immediate memory popped up where a girl said to me 'with you, everything is a process'. But isnt all just a process? I was left without words at that moment. Because does something actually exist without it being part of a process? Without it being in a chain?
No it doesnt. I didnt see that then. I see that now. I forgive myself to flagpoint this moment and keep it living within me, knowing that I know that everything is a process, and that process will be here untill process is nomore required.

Thanks.

I wanted to write about something that just came up. Then when I wanted to start the writing, I was looking within myself 'where' to begin.

The initial point I wanted to write about was this:

I have been busy collecting all information points. I have been busy with that to know me, who I am. So the main focus has always been within the process, acquiring more information points, more information, and more information. When I came to desteni I was full of information and knowledge. And by walking the process, I eventually came to a stop of wanting to acquire more information. I had lots of information, but, I didnt know what to do with it. The only practical point I had was to share. And to share was also a very problematic-experience for me, because I knew how to explain things, but I always found inadequacies within people why they didnt want to understand. You know, I never came to an agreement with another person of why the information was relevant. At Desteni I had the chance to discuss things that were of relevance to me. And within participating and blunt self-honesty we pointed out to eachother when a point was actually really relevant or not. And within this I gave myself a chance to see actually who I am. Because My first point was. Acquiring information, then discuss information, and within discussing thing put it in practical or preferable relation to myself.

Now I am beyond only acquiring information, I put everything as immediately as I can in practical perspective for myself. And because I had so much information points, I Said to myself at a moment. Just stop aqcuiring information. When things are relevant I will seek them out. I always had a keen sense of what is relevant and what not. So i initially stopped the drive for more information, but was not satisfied with that, because that has been part of my life for a very long time.
But now I see that I have so much information allready that I put in relation to myself. I begin to have aspirations for new videos.



Now just when I wanted to write, I had a memory popping up, from me as myself as my youth, where people called me, the Business man of the family.

If I wanted to do something for somebody else, I had to be rewarded with things that made me able to express myself more in what I wanted from life. Like some candy. Or a specific order of fries.
If I stand as that moment I feel like a sort of upliftment. From an ego perspective. I only experience my upper torso. Standing with my chin in the air, not seeing clearly as the most close coming experience to my eyes is that of rolling them back.

They recognized me as an skill. Now I was ready to do what I can do best. Make money through agreements.


I dont know what to do with this information exactly, yet it is cool to see another point of iunfluence with I have disregared but, makes up the bigger picture of myself as the who I am in the whole as personality.

kut spam hier op blogger.

ik wilde het schrijven weer eens oppikken, elke dag weer eens even mijn dag opschrijven dingen die ik wilde delen of dingen die me opvielen.

Ik heb vandaag weer uber lang gegamet. FF13. Ik heb denk ik al 90% van de missions gedaan en ben dan ook bijna klaar met het spel. ik heb niet gemagt, had ik graag ook nog even willen doen.

Iik heb veel geschreven en wat sf erbij gedaan, althans niet veel geschreven maar er werden weer wat dingetjes duidelijk. zoals een paar herinneringen die ik verdrongen heb en moet facen.

Ik ben erg stabiel in mijn process nu, ik ben stilte.

Het gaat allemaal zijn gangetje, het huis wordt opgeruimd, lettelijk en figuurlijk.

Zoals ik kan zien is het schrijven nu een beetje warrig maar dat komt omdta ik even moet wennen aan mijn nieuwe positie van toetsen-verhouding.

Ik zie dan ook dat ik in mijn nieuwe schrijven mijn nieuwe uitting, dingen tegenkom waarvan ik zie dat dat de problematische zaken zijn die ik ervaar wanneer ik op persoonlijk vlak communiceer.

Ik schrijf nu zoals k zou praten.

Zo zou het blijven.

Ik ga na mijn koffie even mjin tanden poetsen en dan nog even een startrek voyager met captain janeway kijken.

Mijn moeder belde me net op, en die wilde lijm mee nemen, voor mijn auto.
Cor zei dat ik moest opletten op de warmte graad, dus dat moest ze van me opzoeken, maar dat stond er niet op. Volgens mij staat dat op elke bus erop, maarja, zal wel.
Dit is de houding die ik vandaag geidentificeerd heb als mijn desinteresse -houding.

Het is niet dat ik niet geinteresseerd ben, maar ik stoor me ergens aan. Ik stoor me eraan dat ik altijd zelf moet denken en dingen moet uitzoeken, voordat het een keertje goed gaat. En als het dan goed gaat, is het vaak weer allemaal voor niets omdat er weer andere complicaties zijn. Iets om niet goed van te worden iig.

Ik heb geen zin meer om er over te schrijven eigenlijk al wil ik graag weten wat ik er nu allemaal aan kan doen. Hoe heb ik dit gecreerd en wat is de praktische toepassing van mezelf in het vervolg zodat ik dit patroon kan stoppen? Daar gaaan we de volgende keer eens achterkomen.

Reading skills

http://destenieducation.com/

I wouldve benefit from such a program so much. I am now 26yrs old, and still have problems with reading due to my processingskills of information.

Now at the age of 26 I have to relearn everything to be an effective reader. How would I have benefitted of being able to read and process information more effectively when I still was a student? Damns.